Cross eyed and worn out.

That almost sounds like a description of a much loved teddy bear, it's not though, it's me.
My doctor set up ( in record time I might add) an appointment for councilling. With my record of keeping in the sad stuff and getting on with the every day stuff, she thought that the chance to let the misery out, while it's still new and still sad ( rather than stuffed down and festering) might be a good thing.
I knew I was on to a good thing when I walked into the rather lovely annexe that has peaceful, tastefully decorated rooms with comfy chairs and cushions galore. Thick brocade curtains and pictures of gentle and quiet places. I'd have felt better if she'd have just said " take an hour my dear, sit and listen to the absolute silence in here" and walked out. She didn't walk out however, she sat there and I can hardly remember what she said but whatever it was it must have been the right thing, beforeI knew it, the thoughts that I hadn't been completely aware of came tumbling out , along with the snot and the hiccupping bulurbles.
I'm all for a bit of self indulgent howling in front of a stranger , nothing quite like dumping all those deep and dark secrets onto someone who won't feel the weight of responsibility to make it alright. Not a glimmer of the 'rabbit in the headlights' expression seen so often on the face of my dear husband at the very thought or mention of emotion. No guilt unburdening, marvellous, everyone should try it. However, is there anything quite so exhausting? Honestly although it makes your heart feel lighter it definately makes your eyeballs feel as if they are turned inside out. Although my appointment was 13 hours ago I still feel as if I have been through the mill and back . And this is good for me?!?!?
Mum saw her doctor today too, first time since before dad was ill, she said she cried more than she has since he died too, hooray, better out than in we're told. In that rather marvellous, stiff upper lip British way, our whole family seem to be doing this ' I'm fine' thing, no-one letting anyone else see us cry in case it upsets anyone who is managing to hold it together. I imagine that at some stage there will be an impressive let rip of female emotion .....poor H, I do hope he's somewhere else when it happens!!
The boys must have been busy bees at school today because marvel of marvels, after dinner and a bath they all fell asleep incredibly early, every one of them in bed and out like a light by 7.15. Isaac was punishing me for something, I'm not sure what.....he was beyond tired and very cross and so, to make me sorry, he took himself upstairs and fell asleep outside the bathroom, on the floor, with yellow blantit. Seth fell asleep sitting like a pixie in H's chair, upright with legs bent up and head resting on his hand. Elijah snuggled me and asked for bed.......thankyou sleep fairies, sandman, angels......you did your job well tonight!! If there's any of that magic left can I have some too? Please? that nasty insomniac twitchy leg demon has been back, I don't like him, I like the sleepy, ooooooh nice bed, gentle fan, read 1/2 page of gentle book and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ......that one.
So, I am off to rest my worn out mind, my boggling eyeballs and buzzing ears , bliss.