I really, really thought that being a mum would get easier as time went by, the more kids I had the simpler it would be.
Oh dear.
Actually, I now can tell you all that raising Daniel was a sinch, then I sort of lost it along the way. Have I just got weary, am I more relaxed? Am I too old? WHAT?!?! I have to say that I find it more amusing as I get older, things that would have made steam come out of my ears with Dan make me pee with delight with Elijah. I can stand back and appreciate the artwork in indelible marker on the pristine walls ( appreciate or not care? Is it the same.....probably not) There is something a bit amusing about swearing from the mouths of babes too these days. Not when ( or if) they were to swear at the 'right' time of course. An expletive if they drop a toy would be horrifying but an episode like we had tonight cheered me no end ( eventually).
Seth is having a phase. I hope it's a phase because it's not fun and I won't like it if this is actually how he intends to be forever. I am saying it's a phase and determining that it will be. He hates going to school, he has the hardest time with playtime, has no idea how to play with other children the way they want to play. His face when confronted with a sturdy 5/6 year old begging to play is something akin to horrified- with a touch of glee. He so desperately wants to play but gosh darn it, there are no instructions for playing, in the playground, with other kids. Look at them for heaven's sake, they just run around and shout and drag each other by the sweatshirt...where's the fun in that? So, we have the run up to school time, every morning it's a new reason why he can't go, we've had most every illness and we've had the fact that it's just boring and he knows everything he ever wants to know.
Today he had a dry foot. " My foot is dry so I have to stay home" Hmmmmm. That's OK son, there's rain forecast for later, take your shoes and socks off and run around in the puddles, problem solved, time to get dressed.
When we get to school, after we have taken Isaac to reception class and stuck his name on the packed lunch board and his name on the what to have for snack board, when we have waved goodbye and kissed and taken him back into his classroom 7 times and eventually peeled him off me and attached him to his helper or the teacher or Carol who is nice, we go to Seth's classroom. In his classroom, after I have kissed him 19 times, hugged him 8 times, picked him up 37 times and then actually managed to leave him there, he learns all kinds of fabulous things, he is almost at the top of the group for year 2 in most subjects, even though he is barely through half of year one, even though he is almost a year younger than the other children in his year. He is learning a huge amount, very quickly. At the same rate that he learning all these marvellous things he is learning the stuff we don't want him to learn.
He is sooooooooooo mean, when he comes home, having been the bit scaredy sort of quiety nerd person all day he feels it only fair that he should become the tough mean big one.
" don't even look at me Isaac or I will kick you in the head" " get out of my way Jerk or I'll punch you in the face" Lovely. Not the kind of thing you can ignore, at all. Ordinarily I think I would have an answer, right now I find myself wishing I could just say " try it buddy and I'll slap you sideways" Thankfully, so far I have managed not to say that as Seth is too quick, too sharp and he'd use that as quick as a flash the very next time he felt like taking his frustrations out on the Isaac boy.
Tonight, I could hear the conversation from outside the room they were in and it was sort of like this....
" I don't want to play with you jerk...get away from me"
" " ( that's Isaac not answering he also obviously didn't take a blind bit of notice of Seth )
" I said get away from me or I'll kick you, just get away you jerk"

ME "Seth, the way you are speaking to Isaac is mean and totally not acceptable, be nice RIGHT NOW or YOU will come out and he gets to stay right there and play"
" Don't you even try to talk to me jerk" ( this was to ME....ME )

Oh......OHHHHHHH!!!! Right that's it......now, I was sitting at the computer, and to get to where he was I had to stand up ( yes, really) and walk almost in a straight line and go down 5 stairs across and up 3. Super nanny be damned, I was going to get that kid and show him what for. He was going to know for sure that he isn't going to speak to ME like that and get away with it and while I was on the way I thought a particularly loud and terrifying roar was in order.
Marvellous, to help me with the loud and terrifying roar, as I stood up I smashed my left foot into the computer table, my bare foot, should probably mention that. The good Lord somehow managed to muffle the words that tried to scream out of my mouth, all that came out was the loud and painfilled roar and a sort of weepy sound mixed in, I stumbled down the stairs and across and up the 3 stairs and by the time I got to the bathroom I was just a hobbling, frustrated, ' burbulurballerber' ing idiot.
Angels are watching, their silent notes taking. As well as stepping in and watching over my kids ( if not my feet) what a shame they are having to be protected from me!! ( and also, angels, while we're at it, could you not, do you think, find it in you to protect my children from me by filling me with Godly love, surrounding me with peace and serenity? why would breaking my toes and having me near faint in pain be the best way to stop me battering the bejeebers out of them? )
Anyway, when all was settled and calm, Seth, Isaac and I had a chat about how we should speak to each other.
We discussed how it just isn't right to be so mean to each other and we should say nice things....Isaac grasped it immediately.
"We not say Jert at me, Seff not say stupid jert at me, ( actually he lisps so he said , "thay Thupid Jert" etc but it gets ridiculous when trying to write it all just as he says it!) we not say bloody, we not say shut up....deffaly not say futtin' do we mummy, never say futtin' nat a ferry bad word Seff, we not say FUTTIN'" I thought he would burst from the excitement of saying so many forbidden words all at once!
I remember being 5ish and discovering that a bitch was a female dog, oh the joy of being able to ask mum 30 times a day if " that dog is a bitch?" or if so and so's dog was actually a bitch, you know a girl dog, a bitch?
I was sent upstairs to wait for punishment when I was 6 because I had learned that crumpet was something other than a toasted tea-time treat and wore it out until mum's ears bled.

I am sure that Seth is doing nothing more than taking out his fears on Isaac when he is at home and feeling safe. He's just so good at it, my teeny little bespectacled brainbox. I wish he could be happy at school and we are all working at it. I also wish that there werent mean kids in his world. I am pretty sure that no-one is mean to him. He is watched quite closely and I am told that he is popular and that the other kids love him. I see how happy they are to see him every morning but he sees things so differently to us somehow. His world is very different to mine and when he tells me things his side of the tale is so far from what I have actually seen. To him though, what he feels is real, what he understands is how it really is.
This mothering thing SO doesn't get easier ( does it mum?!?) no matter how many kids you have, no matter how old they are or where they live, no matter how tall they get, what size they become, being a mother is just the hugest and most demanding job we will ever have. It is also ( thankfully) the best job, the most rewarding job. I am very, very happy I did it six times. I am also very, very happy I stopped when I did!!! My heart is full.