All out of brave.

Today we went to collect the death certificate for dad, made the appointment to register his death, had lunch in the hospital cafe as a sort of closure to the whole experience, took chocolates and a card to the nurses who excelled themselves in the care of my dad ( and us, it has to be said, was it my tantrum or the fact that the ward re-opened, who knows, what does it matter?)
The funeral is almost organised, the clothes and finery are found and bought and almost ready ( thankyou my friend Julie you will never know how much you helped us with that one!!) Child care for the bits they won't go to is arranged.
My dad is no longer at the hospital but over the road in the nice Funeral home, which is incredibly comforting to me...I didn't know how much the idea of him being in the hospital was freaking me out until he wasn't there anymore.
I suddenly reached a pitch where I knew that my ability to be straight backed and calm looking was about to abandon me completely.......my part of this 'stage' is done, my legs became heavy, my heart weary and I knew that I just had to come home and be mummy or Helen. An hour was enough, followed by 45 minutes on mum's sofa. Ready for a new day.
Tomorrow, mum is going out with Julie and Jane to choose family flowers, I'm staying at home, after 3 weeks of standing upright I'm ready for a day of being a crumpled heap. Crumpled sounds so good to me.
Dear Leah says every now and then " I think I am all out of sociability" just when she is sick of looking at people, talking to people and being nice....... Today I am all out of brave, a few days before the final, public goodbye on monday to gather a new reserve, a store of brave to get through what will be a glorious and emotional day and I'll be fine again.
The outpouring of love for our family is mindblowing, a stream of such genuine and sincere love and exclamations of love and respect for this man who, lets face it always, ALWAYS said it as it is, it has been so wonderful to see how much he was loved by so many.
I want to share one story with you about dad because it is one known and remembered by so many who knew him.
He was a chorister, would conduct the music in church and gave it his all...Leah and he would conduct the Hallelujah chorus with knitting needles until they were fit to bust. He never stood and mildly waved his arms, his whole body leapt with the music, he loved it. I swear there were times when his feet would leave the floor--- He also expected people to watch him when he conducted and many is the time he would wait, just a split second, before beginning, just to see if he was being taken seriously! On one occassion it was clear that too many people were thinking of other things, dinner maybe, the weather? Who knows, anyway the singing was feeble, he stood for a moment and waited until people noticed he wasn't conducting, when they did he admonished us all and reminded us that singing, in church, was meant to be a way to praise the Lord " we'll START AGAIN, and let's do it properly!" you've never heard such singing, the roof was raised.....I suspect there is some singing in the heavens already and I bet he's not letting a single angel start until he's ready!