I've held off writing about this experience because it is particularly personal to me and also could sound as if I am whacky! However, it Is my blog, this was my experience and it made me feel so much better that it is worth recording and keeping for my children to read later.
I wrote earlier that our family all seem to be keeping the worst sadness to ourselves, rather than risk upsetting the calm and collected composure of another we are all having our howling moments alone and trying to deal with them as they come and the best way we can.
About a week ago, I woke up at 1.30 and felt alll but crushed by how sad I was. I could hardly breathe because I just love my dad so and the realisation that he really ISN'T here for me to see, tease, ask, look at or take for granted anymore was just to huge to accept.
Now H is marvellous in his own way, he is a cleaning, cooking, ironing, shopping marvel, no household task is too menial or dull for him, probably because anything less than orderly and organised is painful for him, because I am not my normal have it all sorted, ready, dealt with person, he is in a spin- so if he takes over, it WILL help me, but it will also restore his routine, he will know that all is well. He doesn't do emotions. He is the tree from which my little asperger boys have fallen. He has given me a pat or two, he has said that as often as I need to go out is fine, he has taken over the reigns of the household with an iron grip ( I just hope I don't have to break his fingers when I feel ready to get back in the drivers seat) but he can't help with the pain of it all. I'm not saying he won't, he truly can't. So, if I cry I have to do it when he can't see or hear, if he sees or hears and then can't do what I need him to do, I find I hate him for a while and he can't help it, not fair on him or me.
So, I lay very still and very quietly and let my soul have it's release. It was physically and emotionally quite the most painful time. Suddenly, I felt the most extraordinary feeling, not a hug but my whole body, from head to toe was squeezed, comforting and safe, calming and reassuring, but never before have I felt anything like it. I know it WASN'T my dad. I didn't see anyone but I heard, " He is alright, I promise. But you will hold him back if he is worried about you." I knew he was near and could feel that he is is more than alright, he is a different person in that he is happy, truly, unreservedly and completely happy and smiling .
I am still sad, but just for us. I don't worry about him, I don't think about what he won't do anymore or things he can't see. I think he can see everything, he understands now what it is all about and probably, he feels a tiny bit sad that we can't see what he does. We all have work to do while we are here and his work was done.
The great thing is, I am beginning to see him as he was again. The sights and sounds of him in the hospital are fading thank goodness. When he pops into my mind, I remember the real him, the him I knew always. That's a great thing.