Mind the gap......

What a beautiful day! There is something about the smell of spring and some sunshine that makes life seem much easier to deal with isn't there? Blue skies and a brisk breeze and I do barmy things like clean my car....CLEAN MY CAR!! Yikes, vacuumed and sprayed and rubbish turfed out, then I cleaned the courtyard and swept and there was nearly a whistle around but a cat had ripped a bag open and ewwwww I had to breathe through my teeth and try not to breathe in much, so whistling was out of the question.
I won a beautiful leather sofa on ebay ....whoohoo! Deep red leather all soft and smelling glorious, wipeable and squashy and a 10th of what the previous owners paid just 4 months ago. I LOVE E.BAY!! When the rest of my lounge is looking as though it deserves to have such a splendid piece of furniture in it, I shall take pictures, maybe even let a child or two sit very still and politely on it, we'll see. Or, I might just do it right now.....



I almost found the house to pick it up from first go too, almost- but not quite, more like a pleasant scenic route than getting hideously lost, when the sun shines and you live where I live, taking longer to get somewhere is almost a treat, when the little kids are at home with one of the big kids and my husband comes with me it is most definately a treat. We have got to get out more!
I am feeling something akin to panic about my dad, it is a horrible feeling that life is just going on, it's passing so fast and the weeks are already flying and I hate to think that before I am ready I will have to just put him somewhere that isn't right in the front of my mind, or the middle of my heart. I am so angry that normality is right in my face and laundry still needs doing and people still need feeding. I feel that I just want to yell that " EXCUSE ME BUT MY DAD ISN'T HERE " and tell everything to just stop and wait.


I look at the picture I took of me holding his hand and am so relieved that is so clear, I can see every vein and line..... but I won't see it for real anymore. Not in this life anyway and the human part of me, the feeling sad about what I am missing takes over and it is so sad. How are we supposed to deal with that and then clean pee of a toilet seat? Listen to endless whining about who had the blue cup last? Care about whether Sophie is friends with Rachel today or not?
Why is it, when dad was alive, I never once saw anyone that looked like him? Never mistook a greying older man with an old man's jumper on for my dad? I never took a second look at a man at a petrol pump before, now he is everywhere, in front of me in the street, parked outside the school. It's such a cruel trick of the mind. As if this whole thing weren't cruel enough.
There isn't a sofa grand enough in the world to even begin to fill this hole. I know that one day it will all seem less raw, I just hope that although the gap he's left will never be filled, perhaps I can manage to learn to live around it and in the meantime, not fall in and hurt myself too often.