Dear God, I hope there is a hell.

Not the hell fire and brimstone of catholic and other religious kind, but one of eternal skin crawling misery,where you are aware of greatness and beauty, but you can't be a part of that. Ever. I hope that hell means a heightened sense of right and wrong, a clarity of those things you have done that hurt others and whatever pain they suffered at your hands may it be inflicted on you, only worse. Much worse. Know and understand exactly what you have done, be genuinely sorry for having done it, and then feel that suffering, live that misery, cry that howling sorrow.
I have held onto and believed in that scripture that says " But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea" ( Matthew: 18: 6) When my boys were hurt I didn't, couldn't, spare a moment to hate the monster who did it. Reading that scripture gave me strength to carry on and heal the damage. I believe that in all things there will be justice and I hope that I am right when it comes to the man who harmed my sons. He escaped justice on this earth....I am sure that his day will come and that, for now, gives me some peace.
Thursday is therapy day. It is clear to me that this time, now, is the time for me to get well. Today was a session full of revelations to me. I seemed to spend the hour talking, talking...fast. As I was talking I heard myself saying " ooh..oooh... I hadn't thought of this..." and would then be able to explain something new that had come to the surface, something that until now I maybe wasn't ready, or able to deal with.
Jan asked me to explain what this pain has been like and if I could describe what it felt like as it comes out and leaves me. It is a physical thing, it is solid and black, tubular with barbs and it starts somewhere above my belly button and ends just below my throat. Pieces are breaking off and bit by bit I am coughing and screaming it out. I think that it has to break because if it were to try and come out whole, it would kill me.
When these creatures who hurt children, do what they do, they don't just physically hurt that child. They destroy whole families. They kill innocence and joy, they eat away at souls and cause festering wounds in minds and bodies. Damn them to my choice of hell.
I am slowly beginning to feel alive. This morning as I walked home from the school run, I actually felt life in my legs and felt the air going into my lungs. I haven't taken a proper breath for 17 years. I have held in so much that there hasn't been room to breath deeply. My whole existance has felt like being underwater, knowing that everything is happening but all of it has been sort of 'removed'. What a pitiful waste of 17 years of what should have been living. I grab onto the fact that I have had enough wits about me to make sure that no-one else has had a wasted time. My boys didn't lose anywhere near as much life as they could have and I was so careful to keep the real horror from anyone else that it didn't contaminate other lives. But, here's the huge deal. WHAT ABOUT ME? How sad that I have lost so much. Years I can't get back and feelings I can't feel. I am so excited that at last it IS time to do this. No more wasted years, no more missing the great things that are there to be had.
When I went in to my appointment today Jan said " Helen, I can SEE you are getting better, you are actually melting......you are throwing off that weight before my eyes"
THROWING IT OFF!!! I have to say that I feel so different, I feel as though I have already got rid of the weight that has been holding in this misery. When I see in a shop window that actually I don't look too different yet, I am enormously suprised. I shouldn't look like this anymore because I don't need it. I don't want anything shut away or hidden anymore, I want it gone and I want this fat off so that I can be the person that has been cowering inside for 17 years.
Then I went to the park and saw a friend who I haven't seen for a couple of weeks, she said my face was different.....I can't wait til everything is as different on the outside as it is on the inside.
I bought a book today, its a great book, written by Louise Hay, it's called 'Heal your Body'- in it it you can read how our attitude to life can cause our ailments. I looked up the things that have bothered me for years, look at this, remember how I talk about my hernia? The size of a babies head right in the middle of my stomach. ( Hernia- Ruptered relationships, Strain, Burdens, incorrect creative expression)
My throat that hurts and gets blistered. ( throat- the inability to speak up for one's self, swallowed anger. Stifled creativity. Refusal to change. A strong belief that you cannot speak up for yourself and ask for your needs.)
Itching skin, years and years of undiagnosed hives and welts. ( itching- desires that go against the grain. Unsatisfied. Remorse. Itching to get away or get out).
Overweight. ( over sensitivity.Often represents fear and a need for protection. May be a cover for a hidden anger and a resistance to forgive. Running away from feelings. Insecurity. Self rejection)
Hemorrhoids. (Anger at the past. Afraid to let go. Feeling burdened)
Acne ( Not accepting of self, disliking one's self.)
Amazing. I am becoming a new me. I shall soon be thin and be able to sing again ( is it weird that my once rather pleasant singing voice has been missing for years? I can't sing anymore, just can't get the sound out....I hope that comes back!!) my hernia shall shrink and disappear. My skin will be clear and non itchy. No more pain in the arse. I shall be like a butterfly, albeit an elderly one, but I am so excited. I wish I could shake, like a dog fresh out of the water, and throw off this weight. Patience has never been a virtue of mine and I think after carrying it around for so many years I have done my time. I want it off me and gone. I have lost the equivilent of Seth so far. A mini person. I need to lose the combined weight of Isaac and Eli and I will be me. Just me. I can hardly wait!!
Tomorrow we are going away, a mini break with mum, Leah, Julie and Berian. We'll scatter dad's ashes and release some balloons. We'll be back on monday. I shall of course take my laptop but, unsure if I will go anywhere with connection, may not post until I get home. Miss me. I like being missed and positively preen at mentions of praise and slendidness. We are going to Tintagel on one of our days out.....I love it here, I am so excited to show H some more of this beautiful country!! Look at the pictures and imagine being there too.