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Better out than in!
I can feel this working and although it is physically and emotionally painful, this time I actually am sure that the pain is for a reason. Whenever this has threatened to surface I have been overcome with sadness and fear and then I have managed to squash it, push it back down, ignore it and carry on. The time has come for it to go. I have no idea why this time is different, except that I have H and he can ( and does) take the slack on the home front. It won't all crumble if I curl up , I haven't yet, but I most definately have zoned out on the every day hum drum things. It is enormously helpful that I can stumble my way through a day and find that at the end of it the house is still standing and is still relatively pleasant to be in. There are clean clothes and alomst always put in the right rooms.
I have managed to bluff my way around the tasks that are mine, we have taken in turns doing the school run this last week and it has been a true joy to not have to be up and organised and out of the door by 8.10am every day. Walking ( darn it all) has been a soothing and peaceful experience in the spring weather and actually, by keeping myself to myself and therefore not having to exert too much effort into being sociable and talkative, I have felt huge progress this week in expelling some of the rotten misery that has been my greatest emotion for so long.
Last night was probably the worst night for a very long time, it's the sudden onslaught that is so terrifying, the going from normality to viscious slamming of such painful emotions, so long hidden and ignored. Just looking at Seth and seeing not him, but a tiny Dan, suddenly feeling all that pain that there wasn't time for so long ago. The guilt, the exquisite sadness that comes from having seen such evil and having been so hopelessly unable to stop it.
When a child is damaged and abused, it is not just the body that is assaulted, the very soul and spirit are offended and the healing is so long in coming. When it is YOUR child that is so hurt, your child's soul that is crushed, the pain is impossible to comprehend or accept.
My boys were so damaged and so pitifully hurt by this monster that there was no time for me to feel anything but a determination to succeed in healing them. No room for hatred or pity, no possibilty of just hiding and weeping for what was lost.
Pain though, of the emotional and spiritual kind is like a poison, a boil. It can't stay inside, it has to be lanced and until that happens it will just fester, sometimes rest and hardly be noticeable but at some time or another it will swell and it will burst.
My time has come and I am so grateful that I am able to do this and feel comfortable in the knowledge that the world can carry on without my running it for a while. ( I have a feeling that it won't be too long before I resent and question that fact however!!)
I am seeing very clearly that the body and soul are so linked that one is so affected by the other as to be astounding.
With each 'episode' of expelling yet another hidden memory, I see ( and feel) physical evidence that my body is affected as much as my spirit.
I have long felt that my legs are too heavy, weight issues and size apart, my legs have felt filled with lead for years, walking has been too hard, stairs have had me standing at the bottom wondering if I can actually lift my legs and climb them. Every step has felt so tough. That feeling is going, I can walk and feel as if I am going somewhere, I can walk and see what is around me instead of silently praying that I will just get to where I need to go without crumpling in heap.
As each memory forces it's way out of me, there is a pain in my throat that is so intense I can literally feel those emotions ripping their way out from deep inside. My back goes into spasms and my stomach heaves with enormous force. This pain, is quite literally, physically leaving me.
I have chosen not to have anyone see me when this happens. In the midst of it, I long to call for H or my mum or Julie, my sister, but actually the need for me to be rid of it is greater. If there were anyone to see me, I would stop it. I would force it back down so that no-one would feel the need to take upon themselves what is happening. This doesn't deserve to exist and so by ridding myself of it, on my own, it has nowhere to go, no-one else to hurt.
I have been thinking about the wish list and have come to the conclusion that I have pretty much everything I could wish for. When this is over, and it will be over, I will have everything I need. I won't have everything I want...who does? There will always be 'things' that would make life easier, more fun, more exciting, more comfortable and I shall be, as always, thrilled to aquire them, but the things I need are right here with me.
You can't beat that can you?
I have managed to bluff my way around the tasks that are mine, we have taken in turns doing the school run this last week and it has been a true joy to not have to be up and organised and out of the door by 8.10am every day. Walking ( darn it all) has been a soothing and peaceful experience in the spring weather and actually, by keeping myself to myself and therefore not having to exert too much effort into being sociable and talkative, I have felt huge progress this week in expelling some of the rotten misery that has been my greatest emotion for so long.
Last night was probably the worst night for a very long time, it's the sudden onslaught that is so terrifying, the going from normality to viscious slamming of such painful emotions, so long hidden and ignored. Just looking at Seth and seeing not him, but a tiny Dan, suddenly feeling all that pain that there wasn't time for so long ago. The guilt, the exquisite sadness that comes from having seen such evil and having been so hopelessly unable to stop it.
When a child is damaged and abused, it is not just the body that is assaulted, the very soul and spirit are offended and the healing is so long in coming. When it is YOUR child that is so hurt, your child's soul that is crushed, the pain is impossible to comprehend or accept.
My boys were so damaged and so pitifully hurt by this monster that there was no time for me to feel anything but a determination to succeed in healing them. No room for hatred or pity, no possibilty of just hiding and weeping for what was lost.
Pain though, of the emotional and spiritual kind is like a poison, a boil. It can't stay inside, it has to be lanced and until that happens it will just fester, sometimes rest and hardly be noticeable but at some time or another it will swell and it will burst.
My time has come and I am so grateful that I am able to do this and feel comfortable in the knowledge that the world can carry on without my running it for a while. ( I have a feeling that it won't be too long before I resent and question that fact however!!)
I am seeing very clearly that the body and soul are so linked that one is so affected by the other as to be astounding.
With each 'episode' of expelling yet another hidden memory, I see ( and feel) physical evidence that my body is affected as much as my spirit.
I have long felt that my legs are too heavy, weight issues and size apart, my legs have felt filled with lead for years, walking has been too hard, stairs have had me standing at the bottom wondering if I can actually lift my legs and climb them. Every step has felt so tough. That feeling is going, I can walk and feel as if I am going somewhere, I can walk and see what is around me instead of silently praying that I will just get to where I need to go without crumpling in heap.
As each memory forces it's way out of me, there is a pain in my throat that is so intense I can literally feel those emotions ripping their way out from deep inside. My back goes into spasms and my stomach heaves with enormous force. This pain, is quite literally, physically leaving me.
I have chosen not to have anyone see me when this happens. In the midst of it, I long to call for H or my mum or Julie, my sister, but actually the need for me to be rid of it is greater. If there were anyone to see me, I would stop it. I would force it back down so that no-one would feel the need to take upon themselves what is happening. This doesn't deserve to exist and so by ridding myself of it, on my own, it has nowhere to go, no-one else to hurt.
I have been thinking about the wish list and have come to the conclusion that I have pretty much everything I could wish for. When this is over, and it will be over, I will have everything I need. I won't have everything I want...who does? There will always be 'things' that would make life easier, more fun, more exciting, more comfortable and I shall be, as always, thrilled to aquire them, but the things I need are right here with me.
You can't beat that can you?
posted by The other me | 4:42 pm
3 Comments:
Many Hugs, Helen! That's all I have for you! ~HUGS~
Nana, Johnny, and Yann commited suicide and abandoned me. Then Aunt La had a stroke and died. I reach for your hand, I listen, it's going to be ok, Helen. Maybe we gonna get through it. Prayers, and compassion. Hugging you!
Helen,
I know you haven't seen me around in a long time (if you even remember me at all!), but I couldn't resist commenting to tell you that your strength is an inspiration. I can't imagine what you must have gone through (and still do every day). Your ability to take all the gory details from your boys and tell them they're rid of them forever is genius. But it IS now your turn to be rid of them forever. Your boys are strong, adjusted, and with good heads on their shoulders. They trusted you then and they trust you now. Your feeling better will only help them.
Keep on! Even though you don't know me, I'm behind you!
Rach
rachelporcaro@byu.net
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