All this in one day!

What a packed day today has been, starting with a councelling appointment at 8.30am. This woman is great, either that or the relief of having someone neutral to talk to is so enormous I get in, open my mouth and spew stuff I had no idea was bothering me!
Today, I somehow got talking about the first one, the man I had my 3 big kids with, that got around to how useless he was in times of great need. The biggest time being after the abduction of Dan and Jordan. I have understood that for him, and many others, it was just too diificult to accept, impossible to hear about and so I'm actually not angry, or sad about that anymore. I think to myself that because I see how great my boys are and how perfectly well adjusted and happy they are, I am over what happened to them. Not so.
All during that heartbreaking time, I promised them that they could tell me anything and I would take it from them. No matter how frightening, how bad it made them feel, no matter what it was, they could give it to me and I would keep it, take it away, make it better. I did that and I am proud of how well I did it. 4 years of the most horrific and nightmarish images, memories, pain and fear...from them, to me.
I got to talking about what had happened because Jan, ( my therapist) didn't know any of it. So as I began to tell her, of course I cried, because it's all still inside, every single bit of it. It's not that I still feel so sad about it now,but recalling those years brings back every emotion. In telling her, there were other details that, to her, sounded horrific, but to me, had at the time seemed insignificant next to the real horrors I was living.
As I talked, and cried....and remembered I suddenly said " Ha...all of this, all this sadness and all these memories, they would never fit inside a skinny person would they?" BINGO!
I know that a lot of my hanging on to my weight has been a result of being so miserably treated by the first one, what has always puzzled me is that even now I am married to a man who has never, ever made me feel small about how I look, who is genuinely bemused if I hint at a feeling self loathing, why do I still hang onto it?
I am hanging on to all that sadness, I promised the boys I would take it and stop it hurting them. Somehow I believe that if I let it go, it might find them again. I sort of feel I am doing my job if I hold onto it. My body is holding it in. It takes a big body to hold all that misery. I think my fat has made me feel safe.
I hope that the time has come for me to trust H to make me feel safe. To believe that there are other ways to keep a promise to my sons. Daniel and jordan are better. I made them better. I have done a good job. Holding on to what I know, and what I felt all those years ago is hurting me now and it's time I try and find a way to get rid of it . I hope also that my body can let go of its need to surround it all and hold it in. ( I am sounding SO profound, am I cool or what?) If I was to embrace the hippy in me I could even decide to write down some of the misery ( the secret stuff that doesn't get told to anyone else, ever) and every time I lose half a stone ( 7lbs) I could burn that memory...almost a symbloic way of saying that the need to hide and bury that pain is gone. I could then hug a tree. I feel a floaty skirt moment coming on.

Do you want to know another miraculous thing that happened today? When I got home and did my 'tra-la-la- get- on- with- life- even- though- I- have- just- ripped- my- soul- out- thrown- it- in- front- of- a- stranger- and- then- stamped- on- it ' thing, he stood right in front of me and said
"How's it going?" and he meant it.
So I told him. Sort of.
He stayed there and he didn't look scared when I howled ( again) and then he hugged me, with both arms. In the kitchen. In the clean kitchen, that he had cleaned. I love him.

And another miraculous thing....all in one day....Sophie, as we speak, is at a church members house, having a bar-b-que, she said that she missed going to church and being with the girls there....hooray. She is SO nice lately and its so easy to spoil her and be nice right back and kiss her and hug her and tell her to please stop talking and go out because my ears are about to drop off.
I think....nah, won't say it in case it jinxes it. Suffice to say I hope she is really growing up and will soon be as happy as she should be.
So, I am off to have a cadbury's highlights hot chocolate and put my feet up. It has been a long and eventful day, but a good one.