Oh sweet joy, we're back in business.

I know that spring is here for real because we went to a saturday car boot sale! I love it, H loves it and the boys sort of love it if we bribe them well enough. We romped home with a veritable plethora of bargains and spent the day feeling very pleased with ourselves. I picked up a huge assortment of Little People sets for the boy, I thought he would play in a nice sort of cataloguey way ( even though I am aware that he doesn't have a cream coloured cablke knit sweater or white socks that are actually white on the bottom) with the sweet little farm and the village that sings and the garage with car wash........he did have some lovely fun with it because if you jump on it and kick out at the same time you can send those little people is 27 different directions at once, with a bit of practise you can knock out a brother or two at the same time. The glorious little people are packed away until the big boys are at school when I shall sit like a good mummy and show the boy just how we should play with such heavenly play sets, if that fails I shall sell them on ebay and make a killing. ( I actually meant the toys but the selling the kids isn't a bad idea now I think on it)
Isaac bought a fisher price fort and knights for £3...all 3 played with that all day, well I say all 3, Eli of course got his kicks by waiting for just the right moment and then snagging the very toy that was crucial to the particular moment. He's a bugger and no denying, but he's a cute one and with that grin and the teeth he sort of wings his way out of a good beating from the other two......I'm not sure how long that will last though because he's catching up and he isn't terribly much smaller than them now.

I had a new tyre ( and yes, that IS how it is spelled here in England) fitted today. All 4 are good at last, of course the rest of the car is held together with plastic garden garden ties but the tyres are splendid. I had a nice time at the garage, I was the only customer at the time and the young man who was working must have been bored because he was very chatty. It was almost a treat to be standing and watching rather than sitting in the somewhat greasy waiting room trying to be interested in magazines about exhausts and wheel balancing. I know I say this often but really, I HAVE to get out more.

I am at the end of day five of my new regime and with the exception of yesterday when there seemed to be a very long time in between meals, it has been a happy and positive week. Good, it's miserable when the whole thing is just a chore and painful. An added bonus is the fact that I am so disinterested in shopping and cooking and even thinking about meals. H is taking care of himself and the boys and all I have to do it grab something for me......somehow it's working without the whole deal being the be all and end all.
Thinking about food has been my life for years and years, either what to eat, wishing I hadn't eaten, wishing I could eat, trying not to eat, planning what to eat or not eat , lets not forget the actually eating itself ...ugh I am bored with it. I would do remarkably wel, I think, on one of those meal replacement diets that every doctor over here goes into a faint over and refuses to discuss . It would be heaven to me right now to swig down a milkshake 3 times a day and be done with it. Another option would be to have a personal chef...what heaven would that be. I can so imagine being put in front of a good healthy meal and having to do nothing but eat it and say thankyou. I'm not even tempted to live on junk, I walk around the supermarket and see it all and seem to sigh and not be able to gather the enthusiasm to pick any of it up!
Cadbury's are making a bar of chocolate that has the cream egg middle, I've looked at it and thought " bet that's nice" and walked right on by...can't be bothered to even try it. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?
Only one more week and I'll be home and dry because then, if the gannet gob returns I shall be unable to sneak and cheat.....already, the very thought of what will happen if I eat the wrong foods when on this medicine has me eating baked potatoes with no butter....which isn't nearly as delicious as one dripping in the yummy yellow stuff, so of course, a small one will do. No point for me in eating toast if I can't have butter ..so I eat grapefruit instead ( actually a tin of mixed grapefruit I have found that is SO delicious)
43 and maybe just beginning to think in a tiny way the way 'normal' people think about food. Imagine. Early days but a positive attitude has to help doesn't it?

Skip to sunday morning......the easter bunny has been and the house is full of chocolate. My little people quite like chocolate but the most fun is being had from unwrapping, smashing and leaving, what a sense of humour that easter bunny has, did he read my half written blog last night and think to test my resolve? Can I REALLY walk past mountains of cadbury's chunks and not eat them? I suspect not, so I have told the boys they mustn't let mummy eat it. Boys of 4 and 5 are like Nazis if you give them permission to tell their mother "NO!" I think I have it covered. ( as long as they eat it or throw it away before they go to bed, no-one can be strong enough to sweep up and THROW AWAY cadburys buttons, NO-ONE!!

I am going to church today, for the full 3 hours, I sort of feel as though I am going for an appointment to have my armpit hair plucked. I don't feel happy and floaty. I am hoping this means that something will be said to make me very glad I went. My spirit wants to go but my body wants to stay here and not talk to people. It wants to be quiet and left alone. When you feel a bit fragile ( and I felt that way spiritually before my dad was ill) to place yourself in a position where you are sure to FEEL something, where you know your spirit will be touched or awakened it's tantamount to masochism. Going to church always makes me feel something.
Being with my dad while he was dying was the most spiritual and soul uplifting time. I am in no doubts about a hereafter, I know God lives. I know I want to feel the same peace when it is my time to leave this earth, for my children to not be sad for me and feel sure that I am in a great place.......I'm just having a hard time with the knowledge that it takes more than saying I know God lives and telling myself He loves me, so that's OK. ( bringing to mind the scripture that says something like " what good does it do us if we say "Lord, Lord", but do not what he says") I have to act on what I know, work on what I need improving. Oh pppptttttttthhhhhhhhhhh.
I feel so lazy. In every way, physically, spiritually and emotionally. It's like trying to run through treacle. I just hope that in making myself do the things that seem hard, they will get easier, I'm in serious trouble if they get harder!

Next month there is a father and son camp .....I am beyond excited about this..I'm not a father or a son so I get to stay home in a lovely bed in a quiet house! Whoopie doopie doo! Eli will be here because he's just not old enough and unfortunately everyone knows that. He is a sweet boy when on his own and we will have a smoochie time on our own. Please don't let it rain. Please don't listen to H if he prays for rain because he will be praying a selfish prayer, he will only be thinking of himself. Men can be so selfish!


PS...I have started a new blog, it's just for the could be dull recordings of my weight loss quest, I decided not to do it here as it could bore the life out of one and all but wanted to ....oh I explain it all HERE