A letter he'll never see.

Dearest Daniel,

I was just sitting in the front room with Seth and I glanced at him as he sat on my lap and was struck again by how like you he is. He has the same little pixie face that you had as a 5 year old and the same build you were.
I am having therapy of sorts, in an effort to let go of so much of the sadness that I feel ..... this is a good thing I am told, but when in the midst of it , it is the most painful and terrifying of things. It's so easy to squash those feelings that could hurt us, I am a master at ignoring those things I can do nothing about, I have been anyway. Now I am in the middle of fighting the demons that have threatened me for too many years and somehow I can't run anymore.
Daniel, I am so sorry I didn't keep you safe when you such a little boy. I am so sorry that the monster got you and hurt you. In having these little boys now, it is a constant reminder of how tiny you were when you were subjected to such terror and evil and my heart breaks all over again because I was powerless to stop what had happened to you. I still hear every word you told me, I still see that little face as you told me your nightmare. I remember every detail and every moment that you felt fear and I am so sorry.
When I think of what a sweet little boy you were, how friendly and loving, when I recall how thoughtful you were and innocent and trusting, I am filled with such rage that someone could take you and rip apart such perfection. Someone came and for no other reason than selfish and depraved desires, everything was changed. No more childhood, no more trust. No more innocence and wonder. I am so angry that you had only 4 years of being a little boy. Oh I'm so sorry I didn't keep you safe.
There is something about being a mother that makes us feel we are all responsible. From the moment you were born and I saw your little old man's , wise looking face, I felt that everything about you was now my responsibility. I didn't know that actually, before you were 4, it would be ALL mine. Your dad left and somehow made you feel as if it was your job to care for me. It wasn't my boy, it has never been your job to look after me, it has always been mine to take care of you.
I know that there was nothing I could have done to stop what happened that day, somehow though, I just feel as if I should have known, should have had some kind of extraordinary power to know and be able to get there and stop it. If there were only some kind of magic that could have been mine that day........
I understand that the time has come for me to find a way to let go of how much this has hurt me, because it hurt you. I promised you and Jordan that I would hold the terror and keep you both safe from it. Are you safe from it? If I let it go, let it out and try to stop it hurting me so much, will you stay safe?
I think it is fighting it's way out anyway. I hurt so much that I'm almost afraid of what is happening, no matter how hard I try, I can't keep the pictures away anymore. Like some kind of hideous movie, that whole nightmarish time is replaying in my mind and heart and I can't stop it. When I feel it is about to overwhelm me, I try and hide somewhere so no-one can see what happens to me. I don't want anyone to else to be touched or affected by what comes out. Let it go and be gone for good. If this feeling were visible it would be black and it would be filthy. If it had an odour it would be putrid. To be rid of it will be heaven.
I so hope this is the beginning of the end of this long road, I am so tired of this hurt that I want to get away from it once and for all and to grab back some of that fearless and exhillerating joy that I can almost remember is out there to be had.
I am so proud of you my son. Against all odds you are happy and strong, you are achieving such great things in your life you are amazing. Love mum x