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This wednesday, I am beginning a creative writing course! How exciting is that? I don't actually know too much about it yet, as I was asked last week if I would join and on the spur of the moment said yes.
I can't remember the last time I did anything like this.......something just for me and FUN! Tiny steps towards new experiences and poking my head outside the comforting monotony of routine and sameness. I shall have dreams of becoming a great writer on my laptop...yes a LAPTOP! Just for me, somehow the very idea of having a computer that is just mine is positively giddy making in it's grandness. I do have some projects that I have been challenged to do and I want for those things to be locked in a computer that is mine all mine! I trust H implicitly, more because I suspect he would lose the will to live at the very idea of reading pages and pages of my ramblings, I rarely write anything that would offend or embarrass him anyway, if I gripe about him, the chances are he knows he's in the dog house and is relieved that this box takes the flack rather than him!
I don't think the kids would read anything either but the idea of having everything I write in a little portable box that belongs to me alone is heavenly.
I am back at church......and I rather like it. Nearly 3 years of avoiding such places that are bound to evoke emotion has been a good thing for me, until now. Now I am ready to feel again and I am astounded at how much I do still feel. I can say that I am a bit rusty in my spirituality but it's still there, I still feel it, believe it, need it and love it. I still know things and remember things, I am so relieved about that. It was a small worry that in managing so well to squash away all those sad things, and knowing that to do that meant I also had to repress so many other emotions that were strong and took strength to feel and enjoy, I might lose the good ones along with the bad, but as each miserable feeling is leaving, the good ones are coming back. I can almost feel the fizz of happy making itself felt.
I think I have to thank my dad somehow for this. When he was ill and then we we knew he was dying, then, when horror of all horrors, it actually happened ( and truthfully I'm not entirely convinced it has sunk in for real yet) my mind went into some kind of brain fart. That colossal sadness had nowhere to go. My whole mind and soul were so crammed with everything I was hiding that this new blast of heartbreak couldn't find a space and I was left so panicked about what I would do if, you know, I actually had to feel it, go through it, live it, believe it.
I literally couldn't swallow this pain.
What a great doctor then, who saw what was happening and had me in to see Jan within days. Now I find that there is room for my dad. Not to hide him or the sadness that his going has given me, but to accept that this is just how I should feel. Everything I am feeling is so normal, so text book and acceptable, there is not an ounce of the 'why me' thing going on. Death is inevitable and we will all face it at one time and another. SO, as sad as this is, as unbelievable as it is that he is gone and we can't see him, it is a fact of life. It is OK that this has happened and so OK to be sad and cry and mention him. In fact, being so sad about my dad dying is actually a way of knowing how great a dad he was.
What the whole event has done though is bring up all that other sad stuff, that having been hidden and ignored for so long, has become much more of a monster to deal with, but deal with it I am and every day feels like a step closer to being the me I know I am underneath it all.
Hoorah!
I can't remember the last time I did anything like this.......something just for me and FUN! Tiny steps towards new experiences and poking my head outside the comforting monotony of routine and sameness. I shall have dreams of becoming a great writer on my laptop...yes a LAPTOP! Just for me, somehow the very idea of having a computer that is just mine is positively giddy making in it's grandness. I do have some projects that I have been challenged to do and I want for those things to be locked in a computer that is mine all mine! I trust H implicitly, more because I suspect he would lose the will to live at the very idea of reading pages and pages of my ramblings, I rarely write anything that would offend or embarrass him anyway, if I gripe about him, the chances are he knows he's in the dog house and is relieved that this box takes the flack rather than him!
I don't think the kids would read anything either but the idea of having everything I write in a little portable box that belongs to me alone is heavenly.
I am back at church......and I rather like it. Nearly 3 years of avoiding such places that are bound to evoke emotion has been a good thing for me, until now. Now I am ready to feel again and I am astounded at how much I do still feel. I can say that I am a bit rusty in my spirituality but it's still there, I still feel it, believe it, need it and love it. I still know things and remember things, I am so relieved about that. It was a small worry that in managing so well to squash away all those sad things, and knowing that to do that meant I also had to repress so many other emotions that were strong and took strength to feel and enjoy, I might lose the good ones along with the bad, but as each miserable feeling is leaving, the good ones are coming back. I can almost feel the fizz of happy making itself felt.
I think I have to thank my dad somehow for this. When he was ill and then we we knew he was dying, then, when horror of all horrors, it actually happened ( and truthfully I'm not entirely convinced it has sunk in for real yet) my mind went into some kind of brain fart. That colossal sadness had nowhere to go. My whole mind and soul were so crammed with everything I was hiding that this new blast of heartbreak couldn't find a space and I was left so panicked about what I would do if, you know, I actually had to feel it, go through it, live it, believe it.
I literally couldn't swallow this pain.
What a great doctor then, who saw what was happening and had me in to see Jan within days. Now I find that there is room for my dad. Not to hide him or the sadness that his going has given me, but to accept that this is just how I should feel. Everything I am feeling is so normal, so text book and acceptable, there is not an ounce of the 'why me' thing going on. Death is inevitable and we will all face it at one time and another. SO, as sad as this is, as unbelievable as it is that he is gone and we can't see him, it is a fact of life. It is OK that this has happened and so OK to be sad and cry and mention him. In fact, being so sad about my dad dying is actually a way of knowing how great a dad he was.
What the whole event has done though is bring up all that other sad stuff, that having been hidden and ignored for so long, has become much more of a monster to deal with, but deal with it I am and every day feels like a step closer to being the me I know I am underneath it all.
Hoorah!
posted by The other me | 10:27 pm
3 Comments:
It sounds like you are moving in such a positive direction Helen. Thank you for sharing your story. It is very touching and written so well.
I am sure you will enjoy the creative writing class very much. You already write so well as it is. :)
Boy are you ready! You are so ready! You're already writing two blogs. You're going to do wonderful. Free yourself of any inhibitions, even if you have to write a blog with a "pen name". Honestly, I'm working through the death of my family members now, and you're going on high emotion but you gotta get it out. My blog is very depressing I think to others, but I have to get it out! I thought about renaming my blog the Pity and Vanity Blog, and writing under another name. You are learning and growing and living and being and losing weight and eating healthy and you have stories to tell. My friend Lacey has so many wonderful stories to tell too, and she's a good writer, but she chickens out after she's wrtten and usually deletes it. No matter what you wanna say, no matter how bad or sad or painful, you come out with it. If you wanna say fart, say it. You may have to open a THIRD blog. Hopefully so! Bravo! You can do anything you want to do! Just do it, Helen! Just fuckin do it! Bravo!
You are Awome Hel. YOu really are. Im so excited for you! A Laptop? I can only dream. My fanny would LOVE that cuz i would sit on the comfy couch and blog all day long.
Let us know everything that happends in class!
XOXOXO
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