And now for something completely different.

There is a huge part of me that is missing from this blog. a side of me not shown or shared ( except for the odd glimpse every now and again ). Extraordinarily, this part of me is somehow held back because I am embarrassed, well maybe not embarrassed but there is maybe a reticence there, a fear that by expressing my spirituality I might make another feel uncomfortable.
I have such strong beliefs, there have been many times when I have held onto my faith by the skin of my teeth, other times I have felt sure I could move mountains, it's always been there though. I am what I am because of the things I believe.
I'm a bit of a show off in the right place, never afraid to talk about the things that make my heart feel calm. I have read and read and searched and pondered, I have prayed and waited for answers and guidance, rarely disappointed.
I understand that our prayers are certainly not always answered the way we want them to be. I accept that, but I don't always like it.
So, why am I writing this today? Because I am coming back. This enormous part of me that has been quashed for years, through sadness and lack of understanding I have been reluctant to think or act or even acknowledge this part of my heart that used to take the most space.
I started going to church again after my dad died. When he was dying, in a coma that they kept saying he would never come out of, he DID regain consciousness, several times, long enough to tell us things that were important for him to say.
One day he said " 3 things, I have to tell you 3 things" it took him 3 days to tell us what those things were.
1. " don't let anyone touch that wiring in the loft" seemed a bizarre thing to say until mum had it checked out and the whole house was condemed. Poor mum, nearly £4,000 later it is safe and rewired.

2. Leah must get out and live her life. Dad had always had a hard time accepting that this beautiful girl, born with so many physical problems that she has fought through and baffled every doctor, can look after herself. At last, albeit on his deathbed, he realised that she is capable of so much more than he had given her credit for.

The last thing he said, in his list of 3 was ....
" Helen. Where's Helen"
" I'm here dad"
" Oh darlin'.....why aren't you going to church?"
" I'm too sad dad"
" why are you so sad darlin'?"
" I've been sad about Dan, I'm working through it and I am almost ready to go back "
" You don't ever need to be sad about that boy, he is a good boy. Go to church. You have to go to church."

So, because I am obedient and because I know that he had already been out of this life, seen what was on the other side and I truly believe he knew more than I do, I went back to church. It has been difficult for me. The church I go to isn't a sunday church, no living your life 6 days a week and going to a building on sunday to say hello and gain forgiveness, come out and go to the pub and then clean the car. It is a way of life, a commitment. I believe it, have loved it and feel it so strongly that my breath is held at times. I stopped going because it makes me feel The hymns make me cry, the talks and lessons hit me hard. I can't make myself feel worthy, or able. I want to be all, know all, be perfect, be an example, shine. In sadness I haven't shone, or felt, or shared. Sad me, empty me.
I have searched, I thought, for the answer. Knowledgeable me, clever me, showoff me... it HAS to be there somewhere, I should know what to do, where to go, how to find happiness and peace of mind...WHERE IS IT???

Today, Seth had a talk to give in primary, primary is for children aged 3-12, they learn and sing, they are taught basic principles about the Gospel, who Heavenly Father is, who Jesus Christ is and how important we are to them.
Seth's talk was on prayer. I spoke to him about prayer and when we pray ( before meals, at bedtime, as a family, when we are sad, when we are grateful, when we are sick etc) I got a good idea about his thoughts and set about writing a short talk for him to read.
I found my answer. I know what to do. It is so simple, in searching for that great and evasive answer, I missed what was right before my eyes.

In writing Seth's talk I wrote
" when we are sad, we can pray and ask Heavenly Father to help us be happy"

BINGO.

"Ask and it shall be given you, seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7)

I have never, quite simply, asked that I can be happy. I know for sure that it won't be a case of praying and getting off my knees filled with the Joy of the world, I don't suppose I shall skip downstairs with a song on my lips and an unabiding love for the whole of mankind. I do believe though, that if I ask , I will begin to know what I should do to be able to feel all the joy I know is there.

I will find a way to let go of the last pieces of misery and bleakness dumped on me by other people.

Just lately, for want of something else to be a freaky headcase about, I have been reliving the years of aloneness following my first marriage. All those things he dumped on me, filled me with growling hatred and such low esteem the gutter has been my ego's companion.
It is beyond time to dump this last gut full of blackness. I'm positive that once that is gone, I will be free, all clean and empty, ready to fill up with the good stuff. My cup runneth over, shame its with festering pond water, time to tip it out, rinse and fill up with clear sparkling water. I hope that this means the latest holding on will go.
When I am in the midst of a mental hiccup, holding tight to the feelings I am accustomed to, I hold onto to everything else. My whole being is taught, held tight and refuses to let go.
I pee in tiny dribbles, I am constipated, I rarely cry. My weight stays the same.
My stomach is in knots, my head and neck are stiff. My legs spasm, I don't sleep. I am a coiled spring.
I have had 3 weeks now of being like this because I think I am afraid to let it go. I have been anyway. Now I am ready. Hold me back I'm going to spew it out.
The great thing is, I am so competely sure that this IS the last hurdle, the final countdown, there isn't anything else for me to deal with. Can we breathe a collective sigh of relief? Oh, alright, maybe wait until I've actually expelled the demon, party time then.
Talking of parties, tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY. Maybe I haven't mentioned that.