Shhhhhhhh, don't tell anyone but.....

I do believe that something has clicked. It isn't easy, by no means is this tra la la and skippedy hum but I have regained that whatever it is that helps me be kind to me. I gave myself a harsh talking to and the whole young people dying, lots to live for thing has given me the oomph ( don't you just love my amazing way with words??) to begin again. Again.
If only I could discover what in the world it is that switches that desire and ability on, and off. I would be so rich! ( and thin)
I really hate depression, I loathe it's ability to wipe out any kind of joy, the way it creeps up and smothers the good things in life. It's like evil to me. No warning usually, not even a trigger, just waking and feeling heavy, heavy heart, heavy legs, heavy soul.
I accept, though I don't like it, that my depression is something that is intrinsically a part of me.
I am learning that I don't have to allow it to rule me, or even stay in charge for long. I see more clearly that I can beat it and absolutely see that I have more control over it than I ever believed.
Food is most definately a huge factor in how I feel. Some foods make me positively high and others make me crash into the depths of misery. Guess which foods are the ones I am hooked on? Yeay!!! Let's eat way too much of the very things that make me miserable. The worst of the misery foods, for me, is bread. I love it, it hates me. I could eat bread for England. It has an almost immediate reaction on me though, I bloat and I can feel myself become sad, honestly I can.
Potatoes are the next, chips, crisps, mashed, I can never get enough. Plain boiled or baked are different, I am a normal person with those, can eat a regular portion and be content but throw some fat in, yeehah.......stuff 'em in and make me weep, or sleep.
I got tired of being a slug. I want to be busy in my day, not napping or shutting down.
So...here we go again.
It feels so good to be eating well, it feels great to be sleeping better. It is great to get dressed knowing that these clothes that are tight, well soon, if I choose, they will be less tight.
I have set myself the entirely possible goal of losing 7lbs a month. It IS about lsong weight. I want to feel better, I will feel better when I lose weight. My legs won't hurt so much, my feet won't ache the way they do. The bigger I am, the smaller I feel. Awful that being fat makes you feel less useful, less likeable, less worthy. Silly, that although I never look at anyone overweight and think less of them, I assume that everyone thinks less of me when I am this heavy.



Look how happy I was in the summer when I had lost weight and my clothes were looser, when I lost my shame and felt more able to be the real me. Yes, for me this IS about losing weight, for my mind and my body it has to go. Maybe I will never lose it all, perhaps I will forever lose it and gain it back.....thank goodness though that I DO hit a limit where I just have to stop and help myself.
I think, tomorrow, I am going to creep back HERE and chart what I eat again. It helped last time, maybe it will help again.
My biggest wish would be to find exactly what it is that drags me off the good path and sabotage the progress, if I knew that, well there would be no stopping me would there?
Here's hoping that this time.......I hope this time it lasts until I have forgotten how it feels to dislike myself the way I have lately. I like liking me.