Thinking back.

It's a rough day today, maybe worse than tomorrow will be .......
Emotionally that is. My head has been all over the place today, Sophie and I spent the morning out together which was lovely, we shopped and ate breakfast and enjoyed the SUNSHINE!

All day though, my head has been switching from this time last year to this time 18 years ago.

My dad was dying, barely breathing yet still able to scream in pain.

I was waiting for labour to start.

We were trying to believe this was all really happening .

I was wondering if this baby was a boy or girl.

We were trying to pretend this wasn't happening.

I tried to picture being a mother to 3 children.

We sat and stared at his chest and counted the seconds til the next breath.

I wondered why my husband hadn't spoken to me for 4 days.

We wondered how we would manage never seeing him again.

I thought this baby would never come out!

We knew life would never be the same again.

I had no idea how life would never be the same again!

The past year has been long, and it has flown by. How have we managed to get through a whole year without a man who was so much to us all? How has mum done it all, all those things he said she couldn't do without him? How have we still laughed and breathed and eaten and slept and carried on, when he isn't here? Can we do it all again this year? Another year without him?

The past 18 years have been so full I think I have aged 36 years at least.

I feel so small. So inadequate. So tired.

Tomorrow, I hope will be more about celebrating what has been. We are going to Cornwall to where we scattered dad's ashes. We want to see if the flowers have grown from where mum planted some bulbs.
I bought a helium balloon kit so I can fill Sophie's room with balloons while she is out tonight, that means that we can set some balloons free tomorrow. We all know that dad isn't going to be up there trying to catch them, he won't read those messages....but he'll know what we want to say. It feels so good to let those thoughts go, tied to a balloon. You have to do whatever helps. It's all so .......so not enough. Words fail me.

Sophie's birthday is all organised, her room looks beautiful, all the gifts you sent have been put into pretty gift bags and added to our gifts...thankyou. Everything is waiting in her room because she was born at 13 minutes past midnight, by the time she gets home tonight it will be her birthday already.




I went to build a bear on thursday and well, I built a bear ( fancy!) for Sophie, I wanted her to have something a bit girlie and frivolous for her birthday. It is a sweet sweet teddy, pink and white and is wearing pink CROCS! It has a heartbeat and she will love it.




I'm sorry that I'm so scatty these days. I think my brain is on holiday. I am longing for a stretch of time where we aren't bombarded with massively important things to deal with, mentally ....give my poor old mind a rest. 'Course you know then I will be whining about being bored don't you?

I will take pictures, post them tomorrow if we aren't all completely emotionally exhausted and worn out. Yeay.....bet you can hardly wait huh?