Open wide!

The dentist. We did that again today, was it 6 months since the last appointment? yes, it is. Time flies doesn't it?
We played dentist, we donned gloves and laid down with open mouths and oohed and ahhed over how unpainful it is, Wow! how unscarey is this Isaac? What fun! We can hardly wait to get there and do the real thing! Pah!
Remember how last time, when you were so little you screamed and fought and screamed? Hard to believe that you did that when NOW you are such a big boy and brave and know that dentists are nice and friendly.
Isaac and mummy came in together , watch mummy Isaac, see? Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Isaac's turn. Brave boy, sat in the chair ( progress indeed) he sat upright ( yippee) and then he turned away from the dentist and he shut his mouth, he shut his mouth very tight and then he clamped his lips in his fingers. Ah. Not so good.
How strong this little boy is when he feels overwhelmed by gloved strangers who want to look at him and touch him and are talking to him.
Not a sound.
Just clamped and rigid and terrified.
I think he actually goes deaf, the terror shuts off his ears and his mind and all he can do is silently plead that I not make him do this. There is little as heart rending as that whispered 'mum.'
When I know that this must be done and I can't whisk him away to safety, when I can't help him see that this isn't terrifying.
I so want the chance to get into his mind and feel what he feels, understand what it's like to feel so out of place in the world. Part of me envies him, does that seem bizarre? I love the idea of being able to shut out what we don't like. By choice, that would be terrific, how frustrating though to want to do something and have your head shut off without you asking it to.
He is quite the most delicious little boy, kind and loving and nowhere near as cross as he ought to be, given the limitations his head places on him.
When the fear is gone, threat is over, he clicks back into Isaac mode. Sweet and happy and usually unaware that he has been anything but cooperative. He will tell you how he went to the dentist and got a sticker. Fear forgotten.

I'm feeling a deep desire to switch off myself at the moment. Too hard, all this thinking. Too wearying, all this grown up stuff that I have been handed. Sometimes, the mother has to step back and let happen what needs to happen and that, for me, is nigh on impossible. I like to fix things and sort things and make it all good.
This time, I can't. I am helpless and have to just watch and wait and hold my breath. There is fear and rage and love and sadness and hope and more fear.
I am so angry and sad that this is how life is, did I make it this way? What did I do, or not do?
The specifics don't matter really. The details and the whys and wherefores, I hope to forget. Don't say them outloud or write them down and maybe tomorrow I can wake up and it will be done, finished, over. I know that a sticking plaster and a comic won't fix things. This is the big stuff, the life altering, lesson learning, character building, important stuff that has to be done, like it or not. I like it not.
How did my mum do it right? Have 5 children who never even once hated her or disrepected her?
How come I never inherited that gene instead of the painful ankles, gall bladder stones and hopeless sense of direction? I got my dad's gappy teeth and ridiculously curly hair..what happened to his mathematical genius?
Swearing is just such a great thing when you feel like this but I've rather lost the ability lately, bugger it all ( hooray, short relapse)
I'm sure that if I could just wander about doing nothing but yell 'Naughty F. Word off ' at everyone that irritates me, life would have new meaning. I just can't do it the way I used to, I manage the odd 'Arse' and after that, well, hopeless on the swearing front.
Pathetic I tell you, are there no joys left to me?
I am going now, to straighten my ridiculously curly hair, so I can sleep on it, and then go out in the rain. Life's just dandy isn't it?