One of those days.

Emotional ones. Oh dear.
Nothing to do with AF ( hysterectomy 1, keeping womb 0)
It was church that did it. Today was a day to celebrate young women ( yes, we do that at church, at home we sort of try to pretend we don't know any, especially if they live here and are being a bit unpleasant) The young women ( 12-18) pretty much did the whole service and even though we know these aren't always this clean looking and smiley, we like them and look at the potential they have etc.
So, all these young women on the stand and they were giving talks and reading poems and they sang. I am such a sucker for a lovely song. They sang, very beautifully about how they are of infinite worth and I felt the gulp feeling. That lump that starts in your brain and slithers to your throat and somehow makes your eyes water and leak.
I looked at this group of girls and really saw them. I saw 4 with 'that' look, you know 'the' look, that tells mothers of other teenage girls that these girls know how to be teenagers, that life is not fluffy and fun for their parents. It's such a sad look, one of defiance and asking to be challenged. It makes my blood run cold and my heart quiver a bit.
The other girls, they looked different and it was possible to see they they actually believe they are of worth, that they believe there is a purpose for being here. When they sang, they sang believing the words, they didn't just move their mouths and hang their head hoping no-one was actually watching them. I cried. Because my girl doesn't believe she is of worth. She can't see that the things she is chasing are not the things she needs. What are these 'children' looking for out in the world, what are they chasing when the stop going to church and start going to pubs and clubs and hanging out with people who have different values? I have yet to meet even ONE young person who walks away from the good, wholesome, uplifting lives they have been raised in, into the outside world with few morals, low standards and worldly pursuits that is happy.
I have this beautiful daughter who is miserable, who gets dressed up to look exactly like every other teenager she is mixing with, who goes out and bahaves the same way, she drinks and smokes and is loud, the way they all are, these girls she spends so much time with.
She cries because she doesn't stand out.
She is sad because she isn't noticed enough or loved enough and she hasn't met anyone that wants to love her or treat her nicely.
What can I do to show her that she is looking in the wrong places? If she only goes to places where people are drinking and smoking, she will meet drunks who stink, basically.
I wonder why so many of these kids are born to fight against the people who love them most, who really DO know what will make them happy.
As a teenager I didn't fight against it all. I really did look around and see that the things my school friends were doing held no interest to me. I wanted good things, I somehow grasped that the things my parents had taught me were good things and although it was tough to be so different, I liked it. I wasn't bowed down by pressure to be the same as everyone else. I discovered, without fail, that whoever I dated, admired me. Even if they couldn't stick with the hands to yourself rule, they admired it and respected me and even years later when I was grown and had children, they still tell me that I was the one that they think of with respect and admiration.
There is a young woman who got married last week, she was there with her new husband and I loved watching them. This couple did things the old fashioned way, the way we are taught in our church. They waited til they were married to sleep with each other. Imagine that.
What I saw today was how I believe things should be. A young couple who learned about each other, fell in love, became friends, made plans, laid the real foundations for a good marriage. They ( I imagine) experienced that burning longing to be together...and they waited, they made plans and then they got married. You can SEE the joy, see that they have that new happiness, marriage for them is truly a new beginning, not just the next step because well, done it, seen it, bit bored with it.
I know that this way of looking at things is old fashioned and not popular anymore.
I did it that way. 22 years ago and it wasn't popular then, I was a freak to have not slept with at least 1, maybe 2, howabout 6 men before I married.
What if you're not compatible? Phooie, you learn to be compatible, what if......yeah, what if, what if you meet someone who, like you thinks that sex is amazing and the very icing on the cake, that when you have the other stuff decided that comes into it and makes it very nice indeed thankyou. To me, too much importance is placed on fulfilling the physical desires and needs, when the emotional and spiritual and intellectual needs are met, the physical gets better, it is the icing, not the cake.
I remember that feeling of at last being able to 'be' with my husband, of feeling that I now belonged to an exclusive club, was a woman. The running home to experience that wonder of having my own home and a husband. I was 21. Very young to be getting married, sadly quite old to be a virgin.
These kids want everything so fast, they can't wait for anything. Nothing is put into a category to be worked for or earned. It's all so acceptable and disposable. It all makes me horribly sad.
I saw those girls today, who understand that these things ARE worth working for, who understand that they are worth the very best and I cried like a mother whose daughter runs with the crowd.
Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong or is this just her path? Does she have to learn the hard way that to obtain greatness you have to work for it and put yourself in the right places, avoid being anywhere that puts you in danger.
I really believe that this emphasis on sex, this losing of the real meaning and purpose of it all is putting our kids in danger, physically of course, but emotionally as well. They give themselves without realising that that is what they are doing, sex is no more than a handshake, a how do you do, oh bother don't like you after all, next one please.
With every giving, surely something gets left behind? A little bit of soul, some self esteem.
I felt such power as a teenager. I felt so great. My heart was so broken when my first love and I broke up but he didn't take anything with him that was mine.
He left with me, me.
I want my daughter to feel that strength. I want her to know that what she is is hers. She doesn't ever have to give away any part of herself. If she waits, she can share herself with someone who will give back even more, make her more than she is.
I want somehow for her to sing in her soul that she is of enormous worth and can walk in faith knowing that she will never want for anything if she is true to herself.
This could all read like a mumbo jumbo load of twaddle. I don't care. I wish we could stop the way this world is going, go back in time to when ankles were sexy and youngsters courted each other. Chaperones and taking your time.
It is so sad that the world makes everything OK. Everything that is apart from being different, standing out from the crowd, saying no.