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And it just gets worse.
I dropped by to see Sophie today at work. She is staying at various peoples' homes, people I don't know, people that she knows through other people, last night it was with Wes, friend of the people she stayed with the night before.
We had the usual conversation about how she didn't do anything and how did she deserve to be punched and kicked for not washing dishes. See? She sees it as how she was doing nothing, he said to do dishes, she said no and he punched and kicked her, she has no recollection of the teasing, the swearing, the biting, the punching, the yelling. The fact that actually he was trying toget her out, forcibly and uneccessarily roughly, but she remembers what she wants to remember, none of which is accurate. None of it.
She went to see MY doctor, the boys doctor, he is now apparantly her reference for assisted living. Her boss is the other one.
Isn't she kind NOT to have charged him? NOT to have made a statement and allowed him to have HIS say, allowed ME to tell what really happened.
She is right, a grown man should never hit, and he has. A grown man should never lose his temper the way H does.
The good news is, she is on an emergency list for assisted living. I told her that she doesn't need to live on peoples' floor, I will help her move, help her find somewhere, but somewhere she MUST find.
She asked , why, because she is just a kid, she should HAVE to clean up after herself, why DON'T we just do it and avoid the fighting, if we just did stuff for her she wouldn't HAVE to argue and fight, she would be happy. Well, what do you know? Wouldn't we all bloody well be happy if we had nothing shitty to do ever?
I pointed out that she ISN'T just a kid, she is an adult now and as unforgivable as it all this is, she has to take resposibility for HER part in it all. I am going to make H face HIS part, too.
I am tired, too tired of being the go between, the peacemaker, the step in and stop it. They are both adults, ding ding round one, get on with it, leave me out of it.
He has to face what he has done because it IS his doing, he DID lose it, she IS covered, from head to toe in black bruises, whether they are from being kicked, punched or from defending herself physically it doesn't matter to me. No-one should lose their temper like that and be able to carry on as if nothing has happened.
What do I do? go and see my doctor and explain the other side?
( see? ME! what do I do? Where should I go, who should I talk to? I haven't done anything! This isn't about ME. It will be me that sorts it all out though. Maybe that's my mistake, always trying to make it all OK. Shoot me.)
What I want to do is curl up and weep.
Please don't tell me I am a good mother because I really don't feel it. I really don't, being told that right now, makes me feel worse because it can't be true can it? Good mothers raise happy children who can live with people and get along.
Good wives can talk to their husbands and discuss problems, they don't just hope things will work out because trying to talk is too damn hard sometimes. I am sick of talking and reasoning and asking and hoping.
Good mothers can watch their children be happy and feel happy when it is time to move on, it should be an exciting time.
I don't feel right now that I am better anymore.
I am as sick and as sad and as lost as I ever was, only now I have to do it quietly because what's the point? To anything? The rat of misery is gnawing on my weary brain. Again. Pass me the drugs, make me not think.
H says he will leave and move back to the US rather than ever have any of this happen again, noble, better though, to walk 200 yards to his doctor, open his mouth and say " I have an anger problem, my stepdaughter makes me feel murderous, can you help me?" Will he do that? I doubt it. That statement was probably said to make me stick to having Sophie leave. I am sticking to that but not because he wants it, because it is better for her, and for the boys.
I am so sad for her because her whole life is going to be filled with situations like this unless she gets help to overcome this incredible one sided thing where she simply cannot see where she could change, what she could do differently.
The thought she has gone from one place to another telling this tale of being a poor innocent girl, minding her own business, walking into her home, where no-one loves her or sticks up for her and getting beaten because she didn't wash a dish. I hate that. She was dalm enough today, to actually listen to what I saw, with my own eyes. Until today she hadn't been, she was still yelling and threatening. I don't suppose it made the slightest difference. It helped me though.
I'm glad she has the help to move, to start on her own somewhere. I am sad that she has told untruths about a good man, who made a wrong choice. I suppose though, that when we overstep a mark, whoever we are, however good we may usually be, when we make a wrong choice we have to accept that there will be repercussions, this time the whole family has been put in a position where we face uncertainty and outside intervention. I am very cross about that, which will give me the strength not to push it all to the back of my mind and hope it won't happen again.
Sophie had every right to report what happened and actually, I am glad that she has the strength to stand up for herself, I wish she was more honest with herself and others , I wish she could see that her behaviour is anything but acceptable. I wish the same of H too, I wish he could see that no matter HOW bad she is, how loud she is, how maddening and rude she is, there is always a better way to deal with her.
How sad that in her life she has had her mother, her father, her 2 brothers and her step dad all lose it so badly that they have hit her. If I were to list the people who have stated that they want to hit her, who have threatened her, who have been driven to such depths by her relentless taunting, I would be here all day. How sad is that?
Until she sees that while she does what she does, she is going to be faced with the same reactions right throughout her life, until she sees that something must change, she will be unhappy. She can't be helped until she sees that she needs help.
The hardest part of being a parent is having to accept that sometimes you have to just stand back and let them learn, even when you know that this will all end in tears. Again.
We had the usual conversation about how she didn't do anything and how did she deserve to be punched and kicked for not washing dishes. See? She sees it as how she was doing nothing, he said to do dishes, she said no and he punched and kicked her, she has no recollection of the teasing, the swearing, the biting, the punching, the yelling. The fact that actually he was trying toget her out, forcibly and uneccessarily roughly, but she remembers what she wants to remember, none of which is accurate. None of it.
She went to see MY doctor, the boys doctor, he is now apparantly her reference for assisted living. Her boss is the other one.
Isn't she kind NOT to have charged him? NOT to have made a statement and allowed him to have HIS say, allowed ME to tell what really happened.
She is right, a grown man should never hit, and he has. A grown man should never lose his temper the way H does.
The good news is, she is on an emergency list for assisted living. I told her that she doesn't need to live on peoples' floor, I will help her move, help her find somewhere, but somewhere she MUST find.
She asked , why, because she is just a kid, she should HAVE to clean up after herself, why DON'T we just do it and avoid the fighting, if we just did stuff for her she wouldn't HAVE to argue and fight, she would be happy. Well, what do you know? Wouldn't we all bloody well be happy if we had nothing shitty to do ever?
I pointed out that she ISN'T just a kid, she is an adult now and as unforgivable as it all this is, she has to take resposibility for HER part in it all. I am going to make H face HIS part, too.
I am tired, too tired of being the go between, the peacemaker, the step in and stop it. They are both adults, ding ding round one, get on with it, leave me out of it.
He has to face what he has done because it IS his doing, he DID lose it, she IS covered, from head to toe in black bruises, whether they are from being kicked, punched or from defending herself physically it doesn't matter to me. No-one should lose their temper like that and be able to carry on as if nothing has happened.
What do I do? go and see my doctor and explain the other side?
( see? ME! what do I do? Where should I go, who should I talk to? I haven't done anything! This isn't about ME. It will be me that sorts it all out though. Maybe that's my mistake, always trying to make it all OK. Shoot me.)
What I want to do is curl up and weep.
Please don't tell me I am a good mother because I really don't feel it. I really don't, being told that right now, makes me feel worse because it can't be true can it? Good mothers raise happy children who can live with people and get along.
Good wives can talk to their husbands and discuss problems, they don't just hope things will work out because trying to talk is too damn hard sometimes. I am sick of talking and reasoning and asking and hoping.
Good mothers can watch their children be happy and feel happy when it is time to move on, it should be an exciting time.
I don't feel right now that I am better anymore.
I am as sick and as sad and as lost as I ever was, only now I have to do it quietly because what's the point? To anything? The rat of misery is gnawing on my weary brain. Again. Pass me the drugs, make me not think.
H says he will leave and move back to the US rather than ever have any of this happen again, noble, better though, to walk 200 yards to his doctor, open his mouth and say " I have an anger problem, my stepdaughter makes me feel murderous, can you help me?" Will he do that? I doubt it. That statement was probably said to make me stick to having Sophie leave. I am sticking to that but not because he wants it, because it is better for her, and for the boys.
I am so sad for her because her whole life is going to be filled with situations like this unless she gets help to overcome this incredible one sided thing where she simply cannot see where she could change, what she could do differently.
The thought she has gone from one place to another telling this tale of being a poor innocent girl, minding her own business, walking into her home, where no-one loves her or sticks up for her and getting beaten because she didn't wash a dish. I hate that. She was dalm enough today, to actually listen to what I saw, with my own eyes. Until today she hadn't been, she was still yelling and threatening. I don't suppose it made the slightest difference. It helped me though.
I'm glad she has the help to move, to start on her own somewhere. I am sad that she has told untruths about a good man, who made a wrong choice. I suppose though, that when we overstep a mark, whoever we are, however good we may usually be, when we make a wrong choice we have to accept that there will be repercussions, this time the whole family has been put in a position where we face uncertainty and outside intervention. I am very cross about that, which will give me the strength not to push it all to the back of my mind and hope it won't happen again.
Sophie had every right to report what happened and actually, I am glad that she has the strength to stand up for herself, I wish she was more honest with herself and others , I wish she could see that her behaviour is anything but acceptable. I wish the same of H too, I wish he could see that no matter HOW bad she is, how loud she is, how maddening and rude she is, there is always a better way to deal with her.
How sad that in her life she has had her mother, her father, her 2 brothers and her step dad all lose it so badly that they have hit her. If I were to list the people who have stated that they want to hit her, who have threatened her, who have been driven to such depths by her relentless taunting, I would be here all day. How sad is that?
Until she sees that while she does what she does, she is going to be faced with the same reactions right throughout her life, until she sees that something must change, she will be unhappy. She can't be helped until she sees that she needs help.
The hardest part of being a parent is having to accept that sometimes you have to just stand back and let them learn, even when you know that this will all end in tears. Again.
posted by The other me | 11:16 am
5 Comments:
I tried to post a comment earlier, but it didn't work. I think switching to the beta version has made everything a hassle...grr!
Anyway, big hugs to you and I hope everything gets better. Maybe giving them both time to calm down then having them both sit down like the adults they really are and talk about things they could have done differently to avoid the situation. I don't know how effective something like that would be, but they should both be interested in doing something to make you feel better.
I would love to talk to Sophie myself...tell her how much she has hurt you with her lack of self control. Give her suggestions of ways to handle situations better. But, as stubborn as she sounds, im sure it would fall upon deaf ears! I just feel so bad for you and can't imagine how pained you must feel.
But,CHIN UP, my dear! You are still a good mother! Because, by golly, if you are a bad mother, so am I and most every other mother on earth! As parents we can only do so much with moulding our children...their dispositions and attitudes, outside influences, etc all play a big part too! Look at Daniel and the wonderful man he has become! You made him,too, mum! Sophie is just high spirited and stubborn. She is going to take a lot more to "break" her so to speak. And you have paid your time trying to break her,now it's time for the big world to take over.
I really wish she would seek counseling. She needs to address the reasons she feels like the whole world is against her and like it should revolve around her!
If only children could see that when they behave so poorly, they take all of energies to try to correct their behaviours that it leaves little for anything else, including being able to enjoy them!
A whole bunch of hugs coming your way again and just keeping moving forward. I think moms always have the burden of figuring things out, even when it's not exactly their own situation, but it is because it's your family. Keep your head up.
I feel so horribly useless. Now more than ever I wish I were there to give you a hug.
Love you!
I too wish I could give you a big hug Helen.
My heart hurts for what a tough position this all puts you in. I hope both H and Sophie will take responsibility, and get some help. I hope I'm not overstepping boundaries by saying so, but H taking responsibility for behaving wrongly, and getting help, would be a really good example to Sophie. Even if she is unable to recognize it as that, right now. And I do realize that that's not your call, and I don't intend at all to suggest that you have one more "job" in all of this. I'm just wishing, I guess.
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