Subtle, yet pretty.( with bits edited and added all day)

So, naturally, the birthday plans for Sophie have changed. She hasn't quite grasped that this time, things are different. We are not able to just carry on as if nothing has happened and forget it all for next time.
That doesn't mean that the birthday must be horrible, but it will be different.
I have been looking at bedsits and one bed flats and showing her ( and Jordan) and explaining that really, you know, these things cost money and the money? YOU NEED TO PAY IT!
Ooooooooh lovely flat, handy, right by town, near work, buses, want it.......as well as new top, haircut, evening out, etc etc.
Hmmmmmmmm. What to do? How can we slam the message home that... HELLO?? Grown up!!
We can start by not letting a single thing slip past us ( exhausting)
No more rides, no more money loans, no more leaway on anything.
( exhausting and dull, so dull)
Extracting money for everything used that is not theirs, phone calls, INDIAN FOOD, phone calls, texts on my phone.
( painful and exhausting and MEAN, so MEAN!!!)
and we can make 18th birthdays beautiful and practical and subtley reminding that HELLO!!!!! 18, grown up.......look how gorgeous THIS IS!!



It will be filled with lovely, useful and yet beautiful things, for when she moves out. Towels and maybe silverwear ( from Asda because lets face it, they will probably be left with noodles stuck in the prongs for days, and that won't matter because it won't be HERE, sweet joy....we don't want to be silly here do we? Asda is Walmart with a shorter name)
The packages and cards have begun to arrive...THANKYOU! Actually, she let slip during one moment of niceness before the
" no I can't drive you anywhere" began, that she is really sad about her birthday and wants it to be happy but knows it won't be will it? It will be happy and hopefully she will love her dresser ( that really I love and want myself but am kind, so bought it for her)
I didn't like H last night, enough to sleep in the spare room until Hell, this bed is really uncomfortable and anyway he won't even notice that I didn't come to bed, registered .. and I snuck unnoticed into my lovely comfy bed at 4am.
I was so ready to sulk for at least a month and keep hating him today, I am such a lightweight, I walked into the front room at 6am and he said good morning and, I really wish I could sulk, it looks like such fun, I get so mad when good manners win through and I just talk to him and act all nice as if I don't want to hit him right across the head with that saucepan he hid, that I bought a year ago and he has hoarded because it is a really great pan and they were such a steal and we did buy one more than we need but damned if the kids will get it when they move out because this pan? with dried on supernoodles or burnt on spaghetti? Not on my watch you stupid woman.
I will hide it and make you feel like a piece of crap, because even though I know you heard me laugh and even though you agreed, at the suggestion that one of those thoughtless never do the washing up teenage things will be able to have THIS great pan, well maybe you might just give it to them anyway, and that would hurt. And even though we have a set of these pans that will last longer than us, well we might need it one day ourselves mightn't we?
I will hate that saucepan til the day I die now. One of those mother things, men don't get it and why try and explain that even though you long for these big people to leave and live elsewhere and just visit and go away again? Even though you know that this is the best thing for them and for us and for everyone? Well, you still want it to be OK and exciting and happy and if that means giving them a great saucepan, that they will burn and let rot? Well, you need to do that because it helps it not hurt and helps you not feel so damn useless.
Like you did everything wrong.
Like you realised just how much you stink at this whole parenting thing and LOOK a shiny pan, do you love me again?
Still?
It's a great pan even. Not crap or old or second hand, its shiny and I think you deserve a lovely saucepan.
Am I good mum really?
Am I?
Can you smile at me today? Or even talk to me ? Can you be in this house and not make my heart quiver and weep, just today?
If I give you this saucepan,

will you like me? Please.

Yeah, pathetic. Like that.

A very worrying thing happened this week, I spoke to the first one. He called me after he had spoken to Sophie. The first words out of his mouth were
" How are you? " Brownie point # 1
" I spoke to Sophie and just wanted you to know that I know that there is another side to this and well, I lasted 3 days before I felt like killing her, she is hard work, it's OK. She needs to move out"
Brownie point # 's 2-903
" you know, when I told Dan he had to leave I felt like puking, I followed him around for days saying " take these plates! Have this saucepan ( probably not a new one, or a grand one like ours but still) towels? Need them? take them!!!" It was SO bad but look at him, look at how he is doing, it is the best thing we ever did. It will be the same with Jordan and Sophie, just stick with it, it'll be great" Lost count at how many brownie points he got for that but I remembered a bit why I loved him so long ago.
He gets this whole thing because, although he is stupid and really stupid, he is their dad and he knows what this is like. He loves them even when he hates them too.
Nice to know someone understands, shame it was him but hey, what the heck? Grab what you can I always say.
I haven't cried like this for months and months. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Being the baddie in it all isn't fun though.
I think I can see that it isn't personal, that this is par for the course. That one day they will look back and see that the big bad mother was just doing what mothers do, helping them grow up.
Not sure what the big bad stepdad is doing. Wishing he was elsewhere I shouldn't wonder.

I just wish the husband was trying to make it easier. Fear I imagine. Fear that if he shows the remotest softness I will cave and change my stance. I know what that feels like, I liked his son as much as he likes my kids,when he lived with us, I kind of love him now, easy to see what to do when they don't have your blood running through their selfish veins and you chose to love their parent but they came as part of the deal, ack.
Also, when they are horrible? Even harder. Easy when they are cute or funny or smell nice or with the other parent or asleep or in another country.


( that's Rob, holding a baby Isaac.)



It's just that this is SO hard, even if it is right, a bit of understanding would go such a long way. Men are hopeless aren't they? Wonder why we keep loving them and not hitting them with pyrex saucepans with straining lids and stay cool handles.
They have a lot to thank cadbury's for is all I say.

P.S I found the saucepan. Next to my side of the bed.


And...because I'm not done whining yet and because I love to entertain, because Eli caused such hilarity...I am here to share more pictures, which means we didn't clean it all up ( why? they have a week off, we DID clear most of it up and FUN lets do it again, so to hell with that) and he did some more....look, can you tell how bad things are when THIS is funny??


What is really funny about this picture is that there is a kid in there....it's seth and I didn't see him til I downloaded the picture and wondered what that pile of white and green stuff was.....ha, cool, can lose whole kids in that mess, who said there isn't a silver lining?


pretty sure we will never get these toys back.


Argh, school library book on there, will have to get kitchen tongs and lean out of incredibly high window try to reach it, I might bounce if I fall, but I doubt it.
It is the very top one, it has a lock on it ( that I unlocked to take pictures) that means it just opens enough to throw toys, but not kids, out of. Apparantly, that is a great idea.
The french doors are to the teeny flat under our house, (I resisted the urge to peer through windows even though no-one is home, I am so polite, dammit)



PPS. I think I either heard voices in my head, or unspoken comments ( hand up if you were dying to tell me this!!) or just got a clue or something because, on going into that room again to get clean PJs ..... it occurred to me that it is useless waiting until these kids are 14 to start getting tough, now is the time.

So, when they got there,
the bedroom was bare
and so, now the buggers have none.

I took almost ALL the toys out. They are taped up and in other rooms. They have been told that children who can't look after toys or tidy up, find that they have little to play with. As they show they can clear up, not break, throw or abuse what we left them with, they can earn a few more toys back. We are taking a lot of toys down to the store room. They have way too many. How can they enjoy that many toys? They are begging to be tipped and thrown. I rather like the minimalist look in there. Refreshing.

As I type, they are playing snap. Apparantly the rules have changed since I used to play, these days you are supposed to fart instead of yell SNAP! Isaac appears to be winning.