Another day, another holler.

I am busy. So busy. But we are getting there.
I had a friend come to the next house to help clean yesterday and she said " oh, it's not too bad" which was like a big old pat on the back for me because it told me that I must have made huge strides in the filth and grime that is our next home.
I keep thinking about how well we are doing and then I remember that we have to pack this one and clean this one and get everything over to the next one and that then, in 3 months we will have to do it all again and I. am. so. tired.
I have been so touched by the calls offering help though, hard to accept but I am saying yes and inviting people to scrub and wash and laugh and help.
The shower is all gleaming and shiny, I thought we may have to smash those tiles and redo it, I thought I might have to ditch that stove but no, my elbow grease has worked marvels and I can almost imagine taking a shower and having a wee in that bathroom....but not yet!
Every day I bleach the toilet again and spray it with anti-bacterial spray and tell myself how clean it is, my mind won't let go of how filthy it was though...I have to either get over that or accept that I will have to squat behind a tree in the garden because in 2 weeks time that will be our home. We won't be here in this lovely airy and clean house anymore, once again my heart aches a bit ( literally, ouch, chest pains, scary things)
I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, mostly cross ones and sad ones, some thankful ones and many resigned ones, I think there may be the odd hopeful one hidden in there somewhere.
I stopped the new meds, I know it has only been a week but the sweating, oh that damn sweating, I can't bear it and as I stood and walked across the room yesterday and I dripped with sweat and my hair was stuck to my head I remembered that this was the very medication that I have already been weaned from because of the awful side effects. Then they put me on the one that sort of worked but still made me sweat. No more. I have to be able to work out a way to be well without putting my body through this misery.
I absolutely am all for medication that helps, when it makes you feel just as ill with the side effects, well for heaven's sake, what is the point?
Day by dad seems to be the way to go, just get through one day at a time, fixing what needs to be fixed, enjoying what needs to be enjoyed and then get up and do it all over again the next day.
Sophie is doing well, we say that quietly and enjoy every happy phone call. Dan is splendid, Jordan is happy, Seth is nearly 7, Isaac is chatty, Elijah is a divine whirling mass of sparkle, flip fops and noise, H is steady and gentle....things aren't at all terrible. Just busy.
My sister and her husband just finished building a house, all by themselves...wanna see it?



would you just look at that beauty. I know they must feel enormous satisfaction, every stone and inch of plaster done by the sweat of their own brows...amazing and I am thrilled for them. I am sure that I could never build my own home, I am way too impatient, I want it all right there, where I can see it and touch it and live in it right now!
They live in Utah, so although I am pleased for them there is no envy because I would rather live here in a rented home than have a mansion anywhere else. I love where I am, I belong here and couldn't leave again.
Jane is coming home next month, I haven't seen her or those little girlies since last march when dad died, I miss her and can't wait to see her again.
So, another day done, tomorrow we start all over again. Lucky us.