Lottery shmottery.

All over the place today, my head that is, flip flopping from one thought to another. Bad weather is never good for me, makes me sink into a pit of dreary thoughts and feelings of no hope. Oh my, the rain, will never be sunny again. life is over, there is no hope......blargh!
Actually sundays make me feel like that a bit too, how awful to admit that the Lord's day is anything but uplifting and joyful.
I am restless and so keen to get on with the move, to get in and make that house home.
Why though? I am beginning to feel that I might dig in my heels and just stay there, squat, take on the world and tell the powers to be that they better get me a house or I am locking the doors and waiting to be thrown out. How's that sound to you? Can you picture it? I might get into the papers as the woman who finally snapped. A family photograph with me looking more than slightly insane, hair madder than Mary's, eyes staring ahead in a hopeless gaze, pitchfork ( or at the very least a broom handle) in hand ready to fight off the ne'er do wells intent on making me pack another box and haul myself to another home for sale, all the while surrounded by my concerned looking family. I dream ( in a nightmarish kind of way) about cleaning stoves. I have those dreams many times a night where I am falling off a step ladder...WHOOP jump, awake, ahhh not real, am safe in bed, ahhhh zzzzzzzzzzz WHOOP.....hell's teeth go back to sleep!
This week we are going to clean the carpets and make them smell beautiful ( and look nicer, of course) then we will start taking over our many worldy possessions and begin, again, the task of setting them out to make the house a home. I quite like doing that but the novelty might be wearing off.
I don't know if it helps me having so many people tell me how hard they know this is for me, hearing that this is REALLY unfair of our landlady and that really she is getting one hell of a deal with our working on her houses and selling them. It helps in that I find myself explaining that although it is hard, it's not the worst thing I could be facing, I convince myself that this is OK. This time though, it is not looking OK, the phone company want a huge amount of money to connect the new house, if we don't pay it, no phone which isn't the end of the world, no internet which would be pretty damn close to it. It doesn't help in that when you hear it so many times, you begin to believe it and well..what can we do?
3 months is not long enough to be handing over large amounts of money, it is way too long to go without internet and a phone. Can we stay there longer? Who knows? I am tempted to tell the landlady that we will pass on the long term let because I HATE THAT HOUSE! Also, then we can say that we will just risk staying in the house until it sells....with our luck that would mean an extra week, could mean much longer.
I wish my head would just allow me to worry about the next 2 days and just let the rest go, who knows what will happen in a month, year, lifetime?
I bought a lottery ticket this week, that's how desperate I am. Didn't win of course because, well, of course.
I would be terrified if I DID win, but if I could get a wish, it would just be for a house that I can stay in, 3 bedrooms and a garden, right here. A set of keys that does not have a duplicate copy in some landlords pocket.
I am on the edge, I really am, I had this weird heart thing last night where honest to goodness, it felt as though I had 2 hearts in my chest, the regular
de- dum , beat and in the middle an extra fuddump, de- fuddump-dum.
Any cardiologists reading this? Diagnose me please, make me well. Any shrinks reading? I wouldn't bother, there is no hope.
My girl is in town, Dan called to say she was coming and when I didn't hear from her, I called Jordan who says she is here and that she looks beautiful, also that 'she even speaks differently' I will see her tomorrow and take some pictures and enjoy some time with her. She has 2 days off, she told Dan that she was afraid to come down because she felt that her life was so different now, that she actually has a life....I hope that she can have fun here and have many people tell her how great this new life is for her, that they don't try and talk her into coming back. I am so afraid all the time, of everything. If only I could just enjoy the good when it is here.
I feel as though my life is one big " I wish". PPPPTTTTTTTHHHHHHHH. Where's that damn Genie?