Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttt. fffffft.

That's me. For months and months I have been puffed up and battling and working and organising, worrying, planning, working some more, being excited and busy and so busy.
I am tired. So tired, in fact TIRED, does that explain it? I hope so.
Moving here, I imagined was like the pinnacle, such heaven and so perfect and when I got here it was all going to be so amazing and great and I could hardly imagine what a whirling dirvish I was going to be, so much to do and hoorah I couldn't wait to do it.
What has happened to both H and I is that we got here, we shut the door and we quite literally Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffted. Flat. Oh. Look at that pile of laundry there.....should move it really. Yes, I will.
Hmmmmm, those 2 pairs of shoes that could be picked up, carried 4 ft and put in the cupboard, still there.
The hanging pot that already has a hanger in place, on the floor right underneath it because Lawd, the strength it would take to lift my arms above my head and actually put it on the hook? Don't have it.
Dinner. So far KFC, Mac Donalds, chinese, dinner from mum, and 2 meals of chicken that I had to open throw in the cooker and serve ( and don't ask for anything with it because it just isn't going to happen)
Pictures. It could take a while. Why would anyone want to see how unpacked and disorganised I am? The tumble drier is in the middle of the kitchen because it likes it there and it works and you know what? We're not going anywhere, if it takes us 2 weeks to move it 2 yards into the utility room ( which needs levelling and other sort of energy needing and planning things doing to it) well so be it.
H and I look at each other with fondness and a quiet pleading that neither of us ask anything of the other for a while. Let's not talk or anything but a gentle stroke or reassuring pat as we pass, that'll be lovely.
We're both a little stunned by the sheer potency of this apathy. Or exhaustion.
I think it might wear off soon, I am beginning to feel a tingling in my soul that reassures me that I won't always be numb to the walking on crunchy cereal carpet, not forever doomed to live in a jumble of possessions without a place to be.
I am able to laugh. And some. This is not a bad feeling, if it is a feeling at all, maybe it just is. You know, maybe it's just. . That.
Dan has been here and he balm to my soul, even with his flatulence and foul mouth. He is infinitely welcomed by all.
By Seth who had Daniel's heart from the moment he set eyes on him.



By Isaac who battles his natural need to hide or shy away....



By Elijah who is a bit shy but never for very long.....



This morning Dan and I went to see Jordan, we went to the flat and the fun began because these 2 brothers are divine together. They make me laugh 'til my pelvic floor almost gives in and lets go.
They are both irreverent and hysterical, at times needing to be reminded that I am in fact their mother and they should probably reign it in a bit.
At Jordan's flat he showed us a Tens machine and told Dan he had to feel what it was like. A machine that labouring women wear on their spines, when a contraction hits it sends electrical impulses along the spine and apparantly is helpful as pain relief. So Dan said he'd try it.


So here we go..not too bad, set it all up.


So, it feels kind of weird....



Ahahahahahahahaha that's really funny!


Ouch, actually...OW really OUCH!


ARGHHHHHHHHHH AHAHAHAHA ARGH!


GET THIS THING OFF!!!!!

I laughed ( and so did they) til I coughed.
We went shopping and they made me laugh, I come up too their shoulders, they walked either side of me, and I had to keep telling them to slow down.
We went to the pound shop ( like the 99c store) One each side of me, throwing all kinds of crap into the basket. Jordan walked past a surly young girl stacking the crisps and said in a booming and la de da voice " I SAY, that is a splendid crisps section you have there young lady, keep it up, well done troops" and walked on by, as we waited to pay he found himself right next to a shelf of particularly ugly garden gnomes, they were almost eye level and he turned to face them, put his face right up to one and said " Excuse me, would you be so kind as to direct me to your garden gnome section?"
Sometimes you might need to be there but it's the way he says things, with his lanky great body towering over everyone and the way he turns scarlet with laughing as he says it.
We went to a beautiful Italian restaurant for lunch and to watch these two as they discuss the menu, with such knowledge, both chefs, Dan having been everything from kitchen porter to now manager, then being so polite and well mannered. well that makes a mother's heart proud.
Also when we went to the restaurant where Jordan works, Dan was to meet the owner who wants a new manager. He has seen Dan's resume and was keen to meet him. He shook my hand and told me how incredible Jordan is, how he works so hard and manages the kitchen and how organised he is. He told me how he knew how proud I must be to have both these boys. And I am. My girl was here today as well. She called while we were out and we came back to meet her. I think she is trying, we all feel we want to grab her and make her safe again but we also know that she has to save herself this time, all we can do is love her, feed her, spoil her a bit ( buy her a pair of jeans in the sales, maybe some new makeup but not hand over money) she is beginning to believe that we love her, she pops in and eats, sleeps a lot and then we send her 'home'.
I hate sending her 'home,' she doesn't like it there anymore and that is GREAT news, to me that says that she is beginning to feel uncomfotable in those surroundings that have always baffled me and raised the hairs on the back of my neck.
She is starting to look beautiful again, although pale. We are all able to kiss her and be kind but also be firm and tell her that she has the means to get out of where she is and we will all hold her hands, we just can't pull her out, we can only hold her steady as she climbs. And pray that she climbs.
She was sad that we hadn't alled her to join us this morning, we left at 9am, she never ever wakes up before lunchtime. Needless to say she worked out that with Dan here we would be doing something while the boys were at school and when she woke up earlier and tried to find us, was hurt when she knew we were out together and hadn't asked her.
We came back to meet her and after we gave her the bits that we had found for her, explained that we wouldn't have shunned her for the world but she has shown us that she isn't willing ( or able) to get up and join in, that she lives her life so that the morning hours are just not a part of her life.
She actually got it, didn't yell and make a scene. She asked Dan if she could go back with him, he explained that she should wait a few weeks til he had time off to spend with her. She accepted that. Huge steps for Sophie, hopeful ones for me. She asked if she could work for him again, he explained that she chose to leave, she can't go back, she understood.
I have so much to write today, about how overwhelmed I am by everything happening.
I can almost see, at the moment how the Lord works.
He likes us to be humble. I have learned that but humility is so hard to come by. I think I see one of His ways to help us be humble.
There is nothing like being stripped to the bone, left for destitute, spiritually, physically, emotionally and then, out of nowhere being absolutely flooded by a deluge of blessings to make you see that you are not always in control, that there is a greater hand in all of this and there are times we must just let go and have faith.
I honestly feel that right now is my time to just sit quietly and watch. As I watch we are being flooded, from all sides by blessings. Financially, spiritually, emotionally. Everytime I turn around something else is happening to make my eyes fly open and turn my head to see if anyone else can see what is going on.
Sometimes it is the smallest thing, a gift or a bargain, other times it's a huge deal like seeing that all those years of what seemed like thankless slog, to see those grown sons of mine together and able to be so independant. To be such good men, kind, hard working men, despite every opposition and challenge they have faced. We have faced.
To see these big children of mine be so loving to the little ones, to hear the baby ones laugh because the big ones love them so.
To be in a home that quite literally feels as though it is wrapping it's arms around me, my bedroom has the most peaceful atmosphere, I find myself alone here and I welcome it.
When we open the door to visitors and the first thing they comment on is how wonderful it smells, after all those months of that acrid damp stench, to have a home that smells warm and comforting, fresh and clean, what a joy.
To have enough money for our needs, to have been able to find the money we needed to leave that other house, to find that already we are back on track and able to pay back the money we have borrowed very soon. What a relief.
So for now I may be a bit deflated, weary, workworn. I think actually, it is more a case of being relieved and comfortable. I'll take that and be grateful.