Happy Fathers day.

I miss mine. I must say though, that right now, it isn't that gut wrenching kind of missing. Much more a gentle ache sort of missing.
I think the panic feeling has lessened, maybe even gone. For so long when I thought of him I would remember he was gone and my insides would begin to twist and feel like they were on a roller coaster, and my emotions would charge about like the ever late rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, trying to find a place to be, where it didn't hurt or feel so bereft.
Feeling better, in itself is sad though because this man that was so indispensable, well we discover that we can go on, we can still breathe and laugh and do all those mundane every day things that seem so much less important now. Necessary though that we reach this stage in order to just stay sane and give what needs to be given to those left behind.
He's all about anyway, in his grandsons, with their teeth and drip catcher chins, also on their somewhat naughty behaviour.
Elijah is his papas boy, he looks very much like him and he has the same delicious wicked streak. My dad would dance in the chip shop to see his children squirm with embarrassment.
Today for instance, in church, we managed to get a pew right near the front, we are usually late into the main meeting having had to gather the boys from the primary room.
I was so pleased to be in the main chapel and not at the back where the noisy chair scraping people sit. Heaven.
Elijah however was not in the frame of mind to be reverent and still. He has caught the hyperactivity bug from somewhere and we are beginning to wonder if it is here to stay, always a bit busy we were relieved to see that he still loved to sleep, take naps, snuggle while he sucks his thumb and twiddle and ear...not so much anymore, he is too busy to jump and run and bounce, more jumping, shouting, throwing..oh the endless throwing of anything and everything .
So he climbed on seats ( get down, sit still, do NOT get up there again)
he grabbed hymn books and slammed them shut ( Elijah! Put that down or look at it quietly)
he slapped Isaac and laughed so hard at this fun pastime ( keep your hands to yourself and behave, you are a big boy and I know you know how to be reverent)
He whispered in a number 12 voice ( Shhhhhhh, please keep your voice down and Elijah if you do not behave then I will take you out, you won't like it if I take you outside, sit down, read your book and BE QUIET!)
Then, he did, he really did, he got his little cup of sacrament water, that reminds of of the blood Jesus shed for us, he tipped it in his mouth, tipped back his head and he gargled, rather impressively and very loudly and then that made him laugh, which made him choke which made him laugh even more and so proud of himself was her that he felt compelled to yell at Isaac, just to check that his trick hadn't been missed.
So, without further ado abd because this is the most important and reverent part of our meeting, feeling he had disrupted quite enough of other members worship, I stood him up, held his arm and as I stood up to take him oustide......

"Oh NO!!! Oh PLEASE no! Don't SMACK ME! I am being GOOD, I am being GOOOOOOOD, I don't want a SMACK....I am being GOOD...well alright but I will be good NOW! Please don't SMACK ME!"

And that was that. Can you imagine how hard it was not to join every other member of the congregation who couldn't help but splutter and pinch their noses, to grin and have their shoulders shake because trapped mirth must out somehow?
We walked the walk and we went into the quiet room and I'm afraid, because he had been warned several times, he did get 3 swift smacks on his bottom.
Oh how sad it is to be four when no- one likes you and everybody just is mean to you and anyway you haven't even done nothin' and your eyes are so huge that they turn your face into that of a bush monkey. Tear filled of course.

I always think of my dad in times like those because he always had the hardest time keeping a straight face, he would stick the tip of his tongue in between his teeth and bite it, trying not to let that laugh out. I miss him but he is still so here. It's just a gentle ache now and I think, quite possibly that I can live with that.
Happy Fathers day.