On bravery and chivalry.

So the boys are back at school. We were on time, Isaac makes sure of that.
Last friday he started the count down, " 6 Days til we go back to school! Are the uniforms ready? Where are they? Shall I put mine on the end of my bed? How about now? Now? Where are they?"
Every day until monday, he told us how long. On monday
" 3 Uniforms and 2 packed lunches, shall I put mine at the bottom of my bed? Will you do it, it IS ready isn't it? What will you put in my lunch?"
Monday night
" It's 16 minutes to 8, we go to bed at 8 when it's school tomorrow, we don't have iPods when it's school, dad DAD DAD! It's 8 o'clock QUICK! Bedtime, come ON!"
On tuesday,
" 48 minutes til we leave ( and he came down at 6am on the dot, fully dressed, ready for school.)
Bless his heart he was so anxious.



I watched him as the time got closer and closer to leave and I saw real bravery. I tried to imagine how it must feel to be so worried about every day things, I remember how terrified I would be of the first day at a new school, how anxious I would feel if we were to have a new teacher but I don't think I have any idea just how deep Isaac's anxiety goes.
He feels levels of fear that I can only try to imagine and yet as he gets older he fights those feelings so hard.
In times past he would hold onto the door frame of his classroom, tears streaming but not a sound would escape him. He would hide and wrap himself in blankets and refuse to get dressed. Now it seems he is super ready, obsessively checking that things are ready. He prepares and then he tries so hard not to cry. To watch him taking deep breaths, checking his school bag, making sure his lunch is in order I am in awe of how hard just living is for him at times.
H takes him into his classroom and rather than holding onto the door he holds onto H and whispers instructions " ask Mr W if I have P.E today" H will check and then they look on the computer where Mr W has the days timetable written down. " ask if he wants to see my new History book but tell him I don't want to show him, I will put it on the table and he can see it but I don't want to talk to him about it" SO H talks to Mr W and will show him where the book is.
He holds onto H and then when the bell goes, he takes a huge breath in and then pushes H away and says " Go now!"
Imagine feeling that most days. As the term goes on, he gets less anxious. Then just as he gets to relax more, it is half term again and he has to go through it all again.
Seth does nothing for school, until he gets there when he starts with the " Did you pack my P.E kit?" and " I have to hand a form in today, did you sign it?" Drives. Me. Crazy!
H and were excited about school yesterday, usually I like the school break, I like not having to do uniforms, lunches, school runs, we have fun when they are home. This break was painful, for reasons we have no clue about, it was so long and the boys were either hyper or bored, hyper, bored. I was very ready for them to go back and be busy. H was craving the routine.
SO much so that as I waited outside the school, with the engine running to keep the car warm in this -5c weather , I looked up and saw, to my great delight and amusement that H was wearing socks and sandals! Heh! Ha. He hates getting his socks wet if he goes into the kitchen or bathroom so often he will throw his sandals on to avoid that......yesterday he was so keen to get the boys to school that he left and forgot the sandals and socks. Oh how I laughed! And laughed and then kept snickering because we went shopping right after and he had to walk around the 3 shops we went to in socks and sandals in minus degrees.
Walking around the second store, I stopped snickering ( and he started) when I saw that I had been out all morning with my T shirt on back to front. What a pair! We are a match made in Hopelessville! What hope do our children have, really?
I am enjoying H a lot lately, he makes me laugh with his quiet one-liners that are easy to miss if you're not ready for them. I feel lately that H and I are just beginning to know each other, the past years have been spent in a fog of babies and depression, getting on with it and getting through. These days we have more time to look around and enjoy what we see.
I love that he says things and then grimaces and will ask if he said 'that' outloud. I love that he is less afraid to say what he is thinking and less appalled when I let him know what I think about what he is thinking!
I am still thrilled that he is so polite, so gentlemanly ( is that a word? Yes, I am sure it is) and funny. I do love a man with manners. I might just keep him a while yet, especially since I discussed the beautiful ring with him and he said " Well, hmmmm, you seem to have the hwole thing worked out in your head already" and then agreed that sometimes its best to just go with the girlie notions at times as there advantages occassionally. Good man.