Hope is a many splendored thing.

Shhhhhhh, daren't say it too loudly but I THINK THE HAPPY PILLS ARE WORKING!!!
Oh what a difference there is in just about everything.
I have made a few changes, some tiny and some quite remarkably big and BIG.
We bought ( or are buying ) one of these . It wasn't a planned purchase at all, when I got some back pay after the tribunal, I bought a computer for H and the boys ( having sold the total flop of a laptop we bought for the boys at Christmas) and I wanted a new mattress, H, being H, is particular about many things, vacuums and mattresses are pretty high up on his list. Vacuums aren't a problem, he likes Kirby vacuums, so that's what we have, I don't care what we have as long as it works so there you go, Kirby it is.
Mattresses he is a little tougher to pin down, I know what he DOESN'T like, I know a few features a mattress should have ( cloth handles, sewn into sides mean quality I am told) but trying to get him to say " yes, THIS one, this is a GOOD one, lets have THIS one? Forget it.
So I would find mattresses on line and say " How about this one?" and "This one? ooh look, lovely handles, this is a GOOD one"
Nothing.
I wake up feeling worse that I did when I went to bed. I ache, some mornings I swear my arms are going to drop off because they are so numb and aching and it has been such a game every day to see if I can make it to the bedroom door without making H laugh. Hobble, oooph, ouch, limp.
I was craving a good sleep that actually worked in ways other than making me look like an unironed old sheet, all creased and weary looking.
So imagine my delight when he said " Hey, I see Paul has some mattresses on his blog..they look pretty good.
I kid you not, I had emailed Paul within 3 seconds and the rest is history. Funny history actually because here was I, thinking, great Paul has a mattress pad the size we need, perfect.
Deb texted me to say she was coming with Paul and that was lovely because I love her.
They arrived with all kinds of things, not just a mattress pad with magnets but ...actually I tell a lie, Paul forgot some of his stuff and so he went back to get it, which was intriguing to me because what in the name of all that's puzzling is going on here?
He said he needed a bench because he was going to give us a massage. the likes of which we had never had ( LAWKS!) and he needed his wooden bench, I was polite ( which isn't like me at all) but inside I was thinking " OH NO YOU DON'T! Nothing in this world is going to make me lie on a wooden bench in my front room while my friends husband gives me a massage, nope, not in this lifetime ) when he got back and I saw how narrow this bench was I couldn't help but exclaim " You have to be KIDDING right? You think I am going to be able to balance on that thing?"
Turns out the bench was for him to sit on, the most extraordinary thing, on rockers, H ( because he is not a big scaredy prude cat) lay down on a mat, on the floor, while gentle music played ( and Deb and I slunk out of the room because I knew I would laugh, I knew it) and Paul sat on his rocking bench and rolled with a hefty looking roller bar thing, over H's back.
I couldn't resist, after about 5 minutes, peeking in. I did even say that I was going to take a picture just so you could all SEE what was going on because even that little glimpse made me snort, mostly because H and Paul are so alike it is incredible, and they are both so serious when the need arises and silly giggling ( the likes of which Deb and I are always guilty of) is not appropriate, no it is not. Stop it, or go out.
In fact I did get told off because when we came back in and H was relaxing and feeling refreshed, my voice, I am told, was WAY TOO LOUD AND WAS RUINING THE ATMOSPHERE IN HERE!
So, then we got down to business and Paul gave us the mattress pad which, truth be told, looked and felt like a form of torture. It is hard and lumpy and I thought I was going to CRY because I WANT TO BE COMFY! I need sleep, I love to get into bed and sigh, and feel as though life is alright. Night night.
Paul and Deb said that it could take a while to get used to the new experience of sleeping with magnets and egg box shaped lumps, but it would be worth it, they promised.
I made the bed and I slumped a little because I knew this thing was not going to cost pennies and oh it feels so HARD. Never mind, we'll give it a go and no obligation etc etc.
Oh my slumbering glory.
I kid you not, I got into bed and though, hey, not lumpy at all, this is OK I think I might be able to sleep after all, shall read a page or two and then I will.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
H slept and he didn't snore.....goodness me.
I have to say that it is absolutely not a heavenly comfy thing, it's not that I lie down and think
" Ahhhhhh, happy to be here" What does happen is I wake up in the morning and I don't groan. I get up and I walk, without any limping. I haven't had dead arms once. No pins and needles and not a single back ache or twinge. I haven't had restless legs. H says I am not tossing and turning, I lie down, I go to sleep, I stay there and I wake up, feeling as though I have had a real sleep.
I'm not sleeping more, oh but we are both sleeping so much better and I began to feel that if anyone tries to take this mattress pad away from me, I will hurt them. Just try it.
So, we went out to lunch with Deb and Paul ( which is another wonderful thing, H and I have never, in 10 years been out with another couple, only kids and parents, which is great but...well you know) and we shook hands and the mattress pad is ours, or will be when I finish paying for it ( which won't be long, I promise Deb!)
In celebration, I went out and bought memory foam pillows, not those weird shaped things either, proper shaped pillows and when I lay down, instead of just getting comfy and then having the stupid pillow collapse or shift, they stay there, I think " Oh I am so comfy..and then..hey, I am still so comfy and then..hey I am STILL so comf....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Worth every penny.

We all went to the opticians today, the boys and H had eye tests and I just went to get more glasses, I have had to accept that if I want to see where I am going and be able to see the world around me, I have to wear my glasses. One pair is not enough, they have a buy one, get one free deal on, so I went to choose 2 pairs and have one pair as sunglasses, we are going to have a super long, hot summer, yes we are and I am going to be ready for every minute of it.
H went in and had his eyes tested, new spec for him ( 2 pairs)
Seth, new glasses, one pair because he gets free repairs and replacements so one is fine.
Isaac, did great in the chair and answered each question well and clearly, his eyes are fantastically perfect.
Elijah. Oh how I love this child.
I could have cried because I didn't have my camera and watching him was better than any show I ever went to.
He looked divine in those weird goggle things they use and his face went through every kind of contortion to see over them under them, to the side, he kept trying to get out of the chair to see what the letters were and he collapsed into fits of lisping giggles every time he was told to STAY RIGHT THERE! Lovely optician man liked his naughty self as well so that was all OK.
He doesn't need glasses which I am so relieved about, I am so vain about my kids and Elijah, divine as he is, does not look good with glasses, he has a little creature's face and stick some glasses on that little face and he's good for a part in the next chipmunks movies.
Isaac also looks like a nerdy twit with glasses so just as well his eyes are perfect.
Seth is delicious and nerdy and I love his face with glasses on, I love that he looks so studious and nerdy and then he opens his mouth and such funny stuff falls out.
At the car boot sale today, I saw some bone handled knives, I love them they are great for spreading and so I bought them, about 8 for £1.
Seth said " we have some of those, why are you buying more?"
"Because I like them very much and you can't have too many of them"
"Well next time you go to Boston you could pack them in your carry on, what you gonna do? Spread the pilot to death?"
Little turd.

I'm feeling better. That is such a great thing, I am not made to be so miserable and scared. I feel less and less afraid every day, before we know it I might find myself at an airport, wishing I had stayed scared enough not to even try this again what was I thinking? Who knows, we can but hope!