To every thing there is a season....

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

I've been a bit teary lately, with the premature ( in my mind) shrivelling of my womb, my splendid womb that has served me so well over the years, never causing much trouble at all until all my babies had been born, when it started to be a bit show offy every month instead of being politely disappointed in not having another embryo to grow and quietly discarding it's lining in an unobtrusive and unproblematic way it began to be ANGRY and twisted and be most impolite in it's natural expulsion of unwanted womb linings, making sure I KNEW it's displeasure at being let down again. My womb is very proud of the way it grasped hold of tiny little fertilised eggs and held onto them for longer than necessary, apart from Jordan all my children had to be forcefully evicted so happy was my womb to have them. I lost 2 babies and even that happened in the kindest way, if there is a kind way to lose a baby. I conceived immediately after both losses and so it was impossible to dwell on those babies that never were. If I ever got weepy about it I would then remind myself that had I had those babies, well I wouldn't have these babies and the tears stopped.
When I had Elijah I knew that he was my last baby, without any doubt I knew that there were no more spirit babies floating around longing for me to be their mother, I was done.
I have always been sure about that and as the years passed I became more and more shuddery at the very idea of having another baby of my own.
Until lately, really lately, like the last 3 or 4 months where I have found myself gazing at heavily pregnant women and feeling so achingly sad that I will never experience that again. I can hardly bear the thought that my body is closed for productive business. It is ageing at a terrifying rate, all of a sudden, it seems every time I look at myself in the mirror I see another sign that I am not young, that choices I took for granted are no longer there.
I see so many advantages to being older and I am embracing them, with great joy actually, all apart from this one, this irrefutable evidence that I can no longer choose to have babies.
I am so good at making babies, so very good, I don't care if it's blowing my own trumpet, I will hold my hands up to being incredibly vain about how beautiful my children are. They are and it's not just me that says it, they are lovely, lovely people.
When I knew I was making the choice to have no more babies I felt powerful and good about it and now, well now I am sad and feel a bit useless and old.
This very week I stared into the distance and thought about how sad this was that my littlest person is 7 and all teeth and lanky legs, no more lavender smelling little faces, just grimy knees and stinky breath.
I was wallowing, truth be told until yesterday when Jordan called and told me that Mel is having another baby...oh be still my heart! If being a gramma isn't better all round, none of the miserable bits and all the joy. When my front door crashes open and the tornado that is Joshua comes thundering in yelling "MAM-MAR! MAMMAR! Are you?" my heart skips a beat and we all quickly move anything breakable out of reach, like a natural instinct, he crashes in and laughs at himself, kisses everyone and pushes every button, flicks every switch, shuts every lid, swigs every drink and then yells "BYE! SEESOOON!" and then we all breathe a sigh of relief and thank heaven that there is a time when wombs stop making beautiful babies. I am too old for babies that live in my house, when I hear of the 5am wakings and the mornings they have Josh in bed with them and he fidgets and pokes them and hits them in the head with books until they give in when he gets downstairs and then promptly falls asleep on the sofa ....I appreciate that I won't be doing that again. I am ready for grand-babies, many of them I say.
There is, indeed a time for everything and for every thing there is a season.
It is my time to stop having babies and sit back while my children have them and let me love them and send them home. Oh the sending them home part if glorious because you know that it won't be long until the next visit.
Good old womb, you knew what was good for me before I did. Carry on with not carrying on. I'm ready.

Who'd have thought?

Well, hey! I have a blog....I forgot that for a while, well that's not entirely true, I would pop in and write a few words and then I would go away again because I was bored with myself. It's not that there hasn't been anything going on, in fact life is a veritable whirl of happenings, I just couldn't think of how to write about any of it, here goes with an effort to fill in all the blanks.

We don't have rats anymore and we do have new carpet which is so splendid and clean, so posh and perfect it has quite made me fall in love with my home, after nearly 2 years of living here and just feeling 'ptttthhhhh' about it all, I now wake up in the morning and think of how I can make it even more glorious. For now I am decorating for Christmas with my over the top chandelier, lights and bows on everything and the smell of all things festive. After Christmas I shall go to town with painting and decorating and hunting for fabulous things to make this house a place that makes me love to be in it. I love feeling this way again, what a difference to that awful sinking feeling as I would drive up the hill towards home.

The preparations for Christmas are underway and I am so excited about this year, somehow everything has fallen in place, grandpa is coming in tuesday which always makes us happy, presents are bought and wrapped and this year everyone seems to have learned that the cost isn't at all important, there are boxes and bags filled with heart's desires and no-one has had to beg steal or borrow in order to buy them. I have been shopping with mum, Leah, Jordan, Mel and Sophie and shown them things that the boys will be thrilled with that cost next to nothing, I have been buying and hiding presents for so long that I had forgotten half of the things I had!

We took the boys out today with money they have earned, so they could buy each other gifts....that was fun! Eli was by far the nicest gift buyer, finding something he knew Isaac would love and just handing over the money. Isaac hated the thought of paying anything and wanted to save the money for a game and Seth, well he is his father's son when it comes to Christmas and it is all to early to be doing this nonsense. He did, however, find several things that HE would love and was quite put out that we wouldn't be buying them. Oh that boy, he is like a bulldozer and goes on and on and on. He KNOWS I haven't got him a skateboard and there are some RIGHT THERE that won't BE THERE after christmas and WHY? WHY won't we buy one NOW?

Eventually, they bought their gifts and wrapped them and I hope they had a little taste of how lovely it is to give as well as receive, perhaps it might take a while!

Sophie is touchingly childlike in her Christmas wishes, she has bought lovely gifts for people but in all honesty, Christmas for her is still very much about her....I have had to really hide everything for her because she is the worst snooper! She cannot keep a secret and if she can she will show people what she has bought for them and she SO wants to know what she will have, how BIG is it? Where did you BUY IT? How many?

When I was out with Jordan and Mel last week, it was so moving to hear Jordan talk about Christmas when he was a little boy and how he wishes he could have another Christmas at home, with a stocking. He said how he wants Joshua to grow up and think of his childhood the way he remembers his own, hearing that is like treasure, payment for all the hard work. I love having adult kids, I wish I knew how great it would be because I am sure that those times, when they were young when I felt sure I was messing it all up and couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of adults they would be.

Glorious, that's what kind they are.

Even before Christmas gets here I feel as though I have had the best one yet, so many examples of the true spirit of Christmas, stories of secret Santas, whisperings of who did what for whom and everywhere I turn some magic. I am surrounded by the kindest of people, friends who look out for each other and it is a treat to hear the stories of how they have made others happy. I am loving this run up to christmas this year.

This evening, H walked over to my sister's house ( which is about 3 minutes away yet we never seem to visit each other!) and I was very emotional about the fact that all the people I love, love each other...we couldn't say that for a long time, it seems a life time ago that I would have to work my plans around making sure that H and Sophie weren't in the house alone as it was a certainly that something would happen and a fight would result, I am so glad all that is past and she is more and more happy to have him around, so touching to see gifts for him, from her with 'dad' written on them, to hear her actually call him dad when she is speaking to the boys. Nobody ever imagined that things would ever get to this stage, I think we all hoped that somehow she would grow up without a major disaster and then move out, that seemed like the very best we could hope for, who knew that she would sit in with us and laugh, ask H for advice and be excited to tell him things ( although he still seems to have this stunned look on his face whenever she does that!)

Grandpa is coming on tuesday so tomorrow we will be rearranging furniture and making everything lovely for when he arrives ( and the we go back to normal just as long as it all looks beautiful when he arrives!)
Dan will be here for Christmas too, this year looks like it will be a truly splendid time for all of us.

Because I have been given much...

I had a friend once, who was 50 years my senior, she had had the most terrible childhood, the stuff of real nightmares and yet she was the kindest, funniest most glorious soul, I miss her since she passed away and think of her often, she had a saying, that she lived by and that was 'cast your bread upon the waters and they come back buttered'. She swore that if you share what you have, no matter how little that may be, it will always return to you, twofold, even more.
I knew her from when I was the littlest girl and she, along with my mum always taught me that you never think about whether you CAN help someone, you believe that there is no way you CAN'T help. Everyone is able to help someone else, I know that and I am so grateful that I am often able to do small things that make someone else feel glad to be alive.
I just want to say that always, throughout my life I have been blessed, whatever I may have done for others, Auntie Margaret's saying comes back to me...my bread comes back buttered.
I have such wonderful friends who always seem to know what I need. I am so grateful and humbled by them. This week they out did themselves and I have swung from being so touched and mortalaciously embarrassed, the embarrassment was fleeting because I know why they did what they did, because they love me, I am more warmed and thankful than I am anything else.
I sometimes think I ought to stop putting it all out here for the world to see because they don't let anything slip by unnoticed!
So this is nothing more than a thank you, a public notice and declaration that I love my friends and that I want them to know that I am paying it forward, in any way I am able to do.
Thank you., from me and mine.

It's the most wonderful time of the year..

Or is it?
I am happy that school starts tomorrow but not because the boys have driven me crazy, merely because they are very bored with us. Bike rides and parks, shopping and adventures have lost their appeal, the weather this past 6 weeks has been disappointing, not one single day where we could leave the house and stay out all day in glorious sunshine, we have been dashing out and back in again, in between rain showers, we have been brave and gone out even with dark grey skies and threatened rain, we have tried to make fun where it would appear there is none to be had.
I love the going back to school time because it is the start of all the things I love. Birthdays behind us, we now get ready for autumn and winter, now I hate cold weather, my soul shrinks when the sunshine leaves, when we have had little sunshine to speak of I am oft left feeling incredibly hard done by and perfectly able to whine and grumble right through til we see some sun the following year. I love sunshine, I never tire of it, I crave the warmth and feeling of well being it brings to me.
I do, however, love the long nights, I adore cosy. Curtains drawn, hot water bottles, hot chocolate, warm towels on radiators. Stew and dumplings, vegetable soup, baked potatoes and sausage casserole, all things that bring comfort and secure feeling when the weather outside is harsh and unwelcoming.
I adore hosting the Halloween party every year, this year I am thinking we might do things differently, I'm not sure how yet, but somehow make it better and more fun, more memorable and BIGGER than ever before ( in a hall perhaps, rather than my poor battered home) I am SO excited to be able to hit Target and Walmart for Halloween goodies this year.
Only a few short weeks until Sophie and I go to Boston for a whole week, so many things to look forward to there.
I usually do a Thanksgiving dinner here but this year, H and Seth will be in L.A so we Englanders will skip it this year.
Christmas is my favourite time of year and this year, I want it to be more meaningful, more thought through and more memorable for the boys, old enough now to understand the joy of giving as well as receiving, the weeks before Christmas will be filled with doing things for other people.
Somehow the beginning of school starts all the excitement for these lovely times for me. It is the most wonderful time of the year.
I am feeling a little stunned about where we are though, Seth is starting year 5, just this year and next and then he will be in SENIOR SCHOOL! Tiny, feisty, smart, wiry little boy, already beginning to look older, with his developing shoulders and chiseled little face. When he got out of the bath last week I noticed his legs..he has the longest legs and looks like a foal! I measured him and his legs are 27" long, his body is 16" long! His arms are 21.5", he is all legs and arms and attitude.
Side by side Isaac and Seth look pretty much the same size, so I measured Isaac too, his legs are 25" and his body 16" he is much sturdier than Seth, bigger build, stronger looking but not actually stronger, Seth is like a little power pack with his 6 pack and bulging biceps ( giving his arms the appearance of knotted cotton!) Isaac is solid and less physical than Seth, happy to sit and drive trucks online, quiet and steady.
Elijah is just Elijah, he is the clumsiest child I have ever come across, it seems it is impossible for Eli to walk from one end of a room to the other without tripping, dropping, falling, breaking, spilling of tumbling. Never a meal eaten or a drink enjoyed without a spill of some kind.
He has been an animal all summer long, literally, a lion or a Jaguar, a leopard or a dog, he has been crawling everywhere for 6 weeks, I have tripped over him more times that I care to count.
At church today, as the meetings ended, he crawled on all 4s to the door and I hear myself say
" Elijah! Will you PLEASE be a human " It seemed a perfectly reasonable request at the time, scores of people all trying to leave at the same time and one little boy holding everyone up as he crawls through the imaginary jungle. It was only when I heard the appreciative snorting I realised it might have sounded bizarre to anyone but Eli's family. ( he has been known to try and eat Isaac because Isaac was sitting still and was fair PREY to a hungry Leopard. )
We are lizard ready, Seth, who for months has been preparing and saving for a tortoise, suddenly decided that actually, a lizard would be more fun. He has a vivarium, heat lamp, feeding bowl, impressive lizard ladder, sand, rocks and the money to pay for his Lizard.
Tomorrow, after school is the day. We are going to buy his Lizard. Oh we are so excited! ( I say we, I mean they, I am more nervous than anything. I am not an animal lover. At all. I am, however, very keen that any creature, mice aside, in our home be well cared for and looked after. I do not hold at all with people having pets if they are not prepared to care for them properly. I hope that this creature will not become my responsibility, I will admit to being the one to purchase the lizard ladder so it can have fun and not be horribly bored. I worry that I will find myself going in there to talk to it, so it isn't lonely. I'll be getting cats any day, baby replacements, I can see it coming. )
The boys seem ready for school, Isaac seems calmer than he has ever been, I suspect it is the promised return of routine and order that he is happy about, I am sure he will be up in the middle of the night, fully dressed and on the sofa, in anticipation of his new classroom, new teacher, new classmates. He is so brave and I am so impressed by the way he faces up to all the challenges he has to face.
Yes, indeed, this is the most wonderful time of the year. I am ready.

Hope is a many splendored thing.

Shhhhhhh, daren't say it too loudly but I THINK THE HAPPY PILLS ARE WORKING!!!
Oh what a difference there is in just about everything.
I have made a few changes, some tiny and some quite remarkably big and BIG.
We bought ( or are buying ) one of these . It wasn't a planned purchase at all, when I got some back pay after the tribunal, I bought a computer for H and the boys ( having sold the total flop of a laptop we bought for the boys at Christmas) and I wanted a new mattress, H, being H, is particular about many things, vacuums and mattresses are pretty high up on his list. Vacuums aren't a problem, he likes Kirby vacuums, so that's what we have, I don't care what we have as long as it works so there you go, Kirby it is.
Mattresses he is a little tougher to pin down, I know what he DOESN'T like, I know a few features a mattress should have ( cloth handles, sewn into sides mean quality I am told) but trying to get him to say " yes, THIS one, this is a GOOD one, lets have THIS one? Forget it.
So I would find mattresses on line and say " How about this one?" and "This one? ooh look, lovely handles, this is a GOOD one"
Nothing.
I wake up feeling worse that I did when I went to bed. I ache, some mornings I swear my arms are going to drop off because they are so numb and aching and it has been such a game every day to see if I can make it to the bedroom door without making H laugh. Hobble, oooph, ouch, limp.
I was craving a good sleep that actually worked in ways other than making me look like an unironed old sheet, all creased and weary looking.
So imagine my delight when he said " Hey, I see Paul has some mattresses on his blog..they look pretty good.
I kid you not, I had emailed Paul within 3 seconds and the rest is history. Funny history actually because here was I, thinking, great Paul has a mattress pad the size we need, perfect.
Deb texted me to say she was coming with Paul and that was lovely because I love her.
They arrived with all kinds of things, not just a mattress pad with magnets but ...actually I tell a lie, Paul forgot some of his stuff and so he went back to get it, which was intriguing to me because what in the name of all that's puzzling is going on here?
He said he needed a bench because he was going to give us a massage. the likes of which we had never had ( LAWKS!) and he needed his wooden bench, I was polite ( which isn't like me at all) but inside I was thinking " OH NO YOU DON'T! Nothing in this world is going to make me lie on a wooden bench in my front room while my friends husband gives me a massage, nope, not in this lifetime ) when he got back and I saw how narrow this bench was I couldn't help but exclaim " You have to be KIDDING right? You think I am going to be able to balance on that thing?"
Turns out the bench was for him to sit on, the most extraordinary thing, on rockers, H ( because he is not a big scaredy prude cat) lay down on a mat, on the floor, while gentle music played ( and Deb and I slunk out of the room because I knew I would laugh, I knew it) and Paul sat on his rocking bench and rolled with a hefty looking roller bar thing, over H's back.
I couldn't resist, after about 5 minutes, peeking in. I did even say that I was going to take a picture just so you could all SEE what was going on because even that little glimpse made me snort, mostly because H and Paul are so alike it is incredible, and they are both so serious when the need arises and silly giggling ( the likes of which Deb and I are always guilty of) is not appropriate, no it is not. Stop it, or go out.
In fact I did get told off because when we came back in and H was relaxing and feeling refreshed, my voice, I am told, was WAY TOO LOUD AND WAS RUINING THE ATMOSPHERE IN HERE!
So, then we got down to business and Paul gave us the mattress pad which, truth be told, looked and felt like a form of torture. It is hard and lumpy and I thought I was going to CRY because I WANT TO BE COMFY! I need sleep, I love to get into bed and sigh, and feel as though life is alright. Night night.
Paul and Deb said that it could take a while to get used to the new experience of sleeping with magnets and egg box shaped lumps, but it would be worth it, they promised.
I made the bed and I slumped a little because I knew this thing was not going to cost pennies and oh it feels so HARD. Never mind, we'll give it a go and no obligation etc etc.
Oh my slumbering glory.
I kid you not, I got into bed and though, hey, not lumpy at all, this is OK I think I might be able to sleep after all, shall read a page or two and then I will.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
H slept and he didn't snore.....goodness me.
I have to say that it is absolutely not a heavenly comfy thing, it's not that I lie down and think
" Ahhhhhh, happy to be here" What does happen is I wake up in the morning and I don't groan. I get up and I walk, without any limping. I haven't had dead arms once. No pins and needles and not a single back ache or twinge. I haven't had restless legs. H says I am not tossing and turning, I lie down, I go to sleep, I stay there and I wake up, feeling as though I have had a real sleep.
I'm not sleeping more, oh but we are both sleeping so much better and I began to feel that if anyone tries to take this mattress pad away from me, I will hurt them. Just try it.
So, we went out to lunch with Deb and Paul ( which is another wonderful thing, H and I have never, in 10 years been out with another couple, only kids and parents, which is great but...well you know) and we shook hands and the mattress pad is ours, or will be when I finish paying for it ( which won't be long, I promise Deb!)
In celebration, I went out and bought memory foam pillows, not those weird shaped things either, proper shaped pillows and when I lay down, instead of just getting comfy and then having the stupid pillow collapse or shift, they stay there, I think " Oh I am so comfy..and then..hey, I am still so comfy and then..hey I am STILL so comf....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Worth every penny.

We all went to the opticians today, the boys and H had eye tests and I just went to get more glasses, I have had to accept that if I want to see where I am going and be able to see the world around me, I have to wear my glasses. One pair is not enough, they have a buy one, get one free deal on, so I went to choose 2 pairs and have one pair as sunglasses, we are going to have a super long, hot summer, yes we are and I am going to be ready for every minute of it.
H went in and had his eyes tested, new spec for him ( 2 pairs)
Seth, new glasses, one pair because he gets free repairs and replacements so one is fine.
Isaac, did great in the chair and answered each question well and clearly, his eyes are fantastically perfect.
Elijah. Oh how I love this child.
I could have cried because I didn't have my camera and watching him was better than any show I ever went to.
He looked divine in those weird goggle things they use and his face went through every kind of contortion to see over them under them, to the side, he kept trying to get out of the chair to see what the letters were and he collapsed into fits of lisping giggles every time he was told to STAY RIGHT THERE! Lovely optician man liked his naughty self as well so that was all OK.
He doesn't need glasses which I am so relieved about, I am so vain about my kids and Elijah, divine as he is, does not look good with glasses, he has a little creature's face and stick some glasses on that little face and he's good for a part in the next chipmunks movies.
Isaac also looks like a nerdy twit with glasses so just as well his eyes are perfect.
Seth is delicious and nerdy and I love his face with glasses on, I love that he looks so studious and nerdy and then he opens his mouth and such funny stuff falls out.
At the car boot sale today, I saw some bone handled knives, I love them they are great for spreading and so I bought them, about 8 for £1.
Seth said " we have some of those, why are you buying more?"
"Because I like them very much and you can't have too many of them"
"Well next time you go to Boston you could pack them in your carry on, what you gonna do? Spread the pilot to death?"
Little turd.

I'm feeling better. That is such a great thing, I am not made to be so miserable and scared. I feel less and less afraid every day, before we know it I might find myself at an airport, wishing I had stayed scared enough not to even try this again what was I thinking? Who knows, we can but hope!

The glorious thing about blogs.

There are so many great reasons to have a blog, having an on tap therapist is one of them, a screen that allows you to spill it all, say it like it, get it out, an audience who reads and sometimes replies, sometimes just hears, always there.
There isn't ever a time you can't blog, I usually wait until everyone is asleep because I often cry, sometimes laugh, always want to concentrate on the things I want to say. Sometimes I look at the date and I will go back a year, 2 years, see what I was doing then.
I love to see what the boys were doing oh so long ago, look at pictures of them when they were teeny weeny people.
Today I took Sophie to the train station, she was travelling to Bath to meet with Dan who was then driving her to the airport and just making sure she checked in on time for her flight yo Boston.
She was nervous and excited and a bit weepy, she wanted me to check her passport and her ticket and her passport again, she looked very young as I walked away from her, I welled up and I decided that rather than come back to the house while everyone was still asleep, I would go and get the days shopping from Asda. I cried on the way there and I gulped all the way 'round as I picked up dinner for this evening, I was so emotional and weepy and also I was wallowing in the fact that I will really, REALLY miss her.
How quickly time flies, how swiftly things change and as I wandered around an empty Asda I thought about how far Sophie and I have come, how quickly things turned around.

Then I came home and I reread this post

Friday, July 20, 2007
Dearest Sophie.
I. can't. save. you.
I have nothing I can do, nothing to say that you will hear.
I am powerless and I have to step back and watch what you are doing to yourself.
TO YOURSELF.This, my girl is YOUR life. Yours. Amazing that even though I gave you life, even though I was the means of your being here. I cannot live this for you. Would that I could, I wish with every quivering fibre of my being that I could crawl inside you still incredible body and take over. But I can't.
For 18 years I have fought your corner.
I gave birth to you and when, 10 weeks later your dad walked out, it was because of you that I spat such rage. I KNEW that you would somehow grow up feeling that this was your doing, that because this stupid man, and that's all he is, a stupid man, had no vision, because he had absolutely no idea what treasure he had right in front of his eyes, so he walked in search of happiness and treasure.
Stupid, stupid man.He didn't walk from you, he is running from himself. IS he happy Soph? Is he? Did he find what he left for? He's still running.
Your childhood without the daddy you craved was sad for you. Your epilepsy made things difficult. That was then, this is now. Don't let the past wreck the future, don't let disappointments ruin the possibilities. Don't.You have such memories in your head, so different from mine, so filled with belief that you were never loved, that everyone was better than you. No-one is better than you beautiful girl.
When you would clear the playground because you were so in everyone's face, when you couldn't, because you were poorly, learn how to play nicely and have friends, I fought for you. I helped you make friends and you had fun.When your dad would let you down I cried for you.When you were left behind because he would take the boys and not you...I would make up for his loss.
He was the one that missed out sweetheart.
When he made you sad at christmas, I drove 200 miles to get you, I made Christmas, I found Santa and you had magic. I did that because I adore you. You are my girl.
When I stick to what I say, when I tell you how something will be, when I give you a consequence and I stick with it and I have to endure the rages and the screaming and the swearing and the pure hatred, I do that because I love you.
Sophie, I love you.
When you were 5 and you wouldn't sleep, when I was a single mother with 2 little boys who were so hurt and sad and I had you with your epilepsy and all your behavioural issues, when you would come downstairs again and again and again. What did I do? I gave you a choice, you could stay in your room and read a book , listen to your music, play quietly or you could sit in the downstairs bathroom, with the door open but no toys, no company, no books. You screamed for 3 1/2 hours that first night, every 5 minutes I would remind you that you had a choice, your room, with books and music or the toilet. Again and again and again. The next night you screamed for an hour, the 3rd night you came downstairs, looked at me and said " Ok, I will go and read a book" and from that night you stayed in your room and you were happy.
How did that get turned into a memory of being locked in a bathroom while I played with the boys?I would never do anything like that Sophie. I had to teach you to sleep, I had to do something to make sure that I had some time in the evenings to recoup, to recover and be ready to face another day.

For 10 years I was single, I refused to date, I had my friendship with Gary, the one man I had ever really loved. I kept him apart from you mostly because he wasn't free to be with us. When I saw that you adored him that you wanted him to be your daddy, I had to end it, be lonely again and hope that you weren't too damaged. I got that wrong. I'm sorry. He didn't leave you like your dad, he was never ours in the first place. I took what wasn't mine to take and when you do that....well you will always suffer in the end.

When I met H, I was happy. I thought that here was our family, here was the man that you could love and who would be an example to you. I wanted more family, I wanted someone to love- that loved me, I was tired of being alone.I can see how you felt that you were pushed out, you're right you did miss out a bit, going from having my every attention, my constant company to having to learn that I am allowed to love too, that sometimes I can and should have time for me.I had 3 more children, little boys with their own personalities and quirks and needs and blessings. I didn't stop loving you when they were born, not an ounce of your love went to them.....you are my only girl, my most precious daughter, my heart. Always.
I made a mistake for those 10 years in allowing you children to believe that my sole purpose was to cater to you.

You are my only girl and such a beautiful one that it's impossible not to marvel at how stunning you are.I am, if I'm honest, a little in awe of your confidence, those same impressive boobs that I had, that I hid and covered and was embarrassed by, well you love yours, you stick those babies out and you hold your head up high.
You appear to be so unafraid by anything and I am afraid of everything.I can see what you think you are hiding though and I know you ARE afraid. I know you are sad and I know that you want the mummy to save you. I cannot do that. If I thought that grabbing you and bringing you home, if I believed that doing that would work, that you would cry and be sorry and want to try something different that WOULD make you happy, in less than a heartbeat I would do it.
Snorting white powder will not make you happy, it will not make your world a better place.
It IS NOT helping you little girl. You look like hell, like a girl who has nothing to live for, who is on the brink of disaster.
I saw you with those people and I died inside a bit. What do yellow skinned, bleary eyed, tattooed 50 year olds want with a beautiful, sad little girl?They want to strip you of everything they lost years ago, they want your soul precious girl. They want you hooked so that you will have to do what they want to keep getting your fix, this happiness you tell me about.
THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.
They aren't my darlin' they are the devil in very poor disguise. I would sell my soul and give my heart to save you, to make you see that you are killing yourself.
By letting me 'find out' what you are doing so easily, I hope that means that you don't want to be doing this, that you want to stop, that maybe it is a sad attempt to find something missing. I am ignoring the voices that tell me I am clinging to feeble hopes.I hope that one day you will be a mother that you will hold a child of your own in your arms and know, in an instant what it is to love. I will pray, every day of my life that you will never, ever have to stand back and watch that child destroy her/himself and be powerless to help.I can't save you sweetheart, I can't stop you, I can't make any of this better. I have to wait until you want to change it, until you come to me and tell me that you want it to be different, I have to let you believe that you are on your own, feed you when you are hungry, tell you I love you and hope that one day you believe it.
This is not fun, I am not sitting here in this house happy that you aren't here bothering me anymore.
I am here praying that you won't die today.
I lie awake hoping that you are with safe people, that you ate today, that you are sleeping at Jordan's and that you will wake up soon and want things to change that you will use some ( or all ) of that bloody mindedness to fight these demons and realise that you are of such infinite worth that drugs and drink and men with yellow skin and hooded eyes are not what you need and definitely not what you want.The whole world is at your feet my girl. You are able to be and do and have whatever your heart desires. Nobody can stop you doing the great things you dream of when you think no-one is looking.
You can have it all.IF YOU DO IT FOR YOURSELF.
There is love in buckets waiting for you, people holding their breath waiting for you to come and get it.

I wrote journals in the olden days, in the days before blogs. I wrote so many of them it was hard to carry them. Every time I wrote them I would imagine showing you, as you grew, that I felt what you feel, I thought that I could use them to show you that I was young once, I could prove that as you grew up I wrote how much I loved you, I wrote about all your exploits and the crazy stuff you got up to. You made me laugh and cry every day of your childhood. You were the most stunning baby, white blond hair, chunky thighs and a laugh that was irresistible. I could never go out without people stopping me to tell me how glorious you were.Every one of those journals were lost. Every single one gone on the journey over to America. Every bit of written proof that you are my heart, that since the day I first saw you I was determined that you were going to know what greatness and joy were.Every written memory to show that you ARE loved , that you have never been a reject or an after thought. I am so sad about because it was real and undeniable, you would never be able to yell at me that I have never loved you. All those books.Every picture of that laughing little girl who captivated us all with her naughtiness and joy. Lost, memories of a happy girlie gone forever. No matter that I still have it all in my head and my heart, you don't believe anything I say anymore. I am so sad. I want to thrust them in your face and make you see that you are so WRONG, that you have always been loved and treasured and so valuable to me.
Show you how you laughed all day and how we took endless pictures of that chunky little white haired girl who hid kittens in her backpack and ran away with imaginary friends. That cheeky 3 year old who poured 40 bottles of shampoo and bubble bath, conditioner and toilet cleaner in the bath.the little girl who would ask strangers to be her daddy and bury sleeping holiday makers in the sand. Sweet little girl who kept me on my toes from morning til night and then some.

I saw that you had found my blog. I hope you come back and find this. I hope even more that you believe it.Every word is true. I promise you.

You are so glorious, my heart is breaking to see you looking this way, dull hair, grey skin, dull eyes.
Don't do it Sophie.
Please hear me when I say that I love you but this is something that you have to do for yourself. If you don't learn to love yourself, the real Sophie Alex, if you can't see that you are worth fighting for, worth working for, well the battle is lost. This is up to you and all you have to do is call for me, tell me what you need, show me that you are ready and desperate to help yourself and I will be by your side so fast your head will spin. What I can't do is make it easy for you, the best things in life always come from hard work and are almost always the result of blood sweat and tears.I think of how sheltered my life was, of how I reached 25 without ever having first hand experience of anything that I read about in the news, divorce, child abuse, drugs, homosexuality. None of it of any importance to me because it didn't affect me, not in my world.
Divorce...horrible but not the end of the world, we did it, got through it.

Child abuse....all done. finished, over and beaten. Talked about until I could puke and now the monster is dead.

Drugs...this one was the one that frightened me least, stupid people do drugs, no hopers, my kids aren't stupid and they know how much they are worth, they won't do drugs, not mine. NOT MINE!

Dear God, save my girl.Please send someone or something to show her how precious she is, she won't listen to me, I can't make her see.Please don't make me do this, don't make me watch this child kill herself or lose herself or ruin her life.
Please. Oh Please.I did all that other stuff, I did. I got my boys through the abduction and abuse. I learned that homosexuality isn't the end of my boy being my boy.
I see that a child with disabilities is a blessing and not a curse.I understand that losing my dad isn't the end, that although I miss him I will see him again.
I know that, I do.
I live with the memories and the hurt and the pain of all those things I have lived through and I even manage to see the good that has come through those trials, but this one, please don't make me watch this, because this girl is too precious and I am just not strong enough or clever enough to help her. She needs you to do it and I need you to do it.
And I am begging you to take this one away.
I will live without the material fripperies that I think I long for, I will move house and clean other people's house, I will make do and mend, I will stick with my old car with it's back firing exhaust, I will let this beautiful house go and be grateful for that stinking one with the leaking ceilings but please don't let my girl do this to herself, send in the cavalry, the knight in shining armour, the miracle.
For me and for her.Please help my girl.

Oh my Sophie, you are worth the fight, you are worth the time and effort and energy, I will match everything you give to yourself, but you have to go first. This is your fight Sophie, get your gloves on and stand in your corner,I'll hold your towel and cheer the loudest. I love you. Always, I do. Honestly. Mum xxx

P.S. Message to scumbag people responsible for helping my daughter in anyway to harm herself.She has a brother that is a police officer, a dad ( useless in many ways but handy in some)who is a prison officer, a brother who for some reason, although a gentle giant, has no worries at all about beating the living shit out of people he discovers have hurt his family and she has me. A mother who has vowed and is totally unafraid to kill with her bare hands, anyone who is ever again directly responsible for the abuse or long term suffering of one of her children. Idle threats? Don't try me. When my child is involved my my fears leave me, there will be no head bowing, no scuttling, no hiding and no timidity.Watch and see.

I would never, not in my wildest dreams, back then have believed that in such a short time she could do it, she heard me, if only with her heart and she believed me and she has done it. She is clean and she is happy and she is living a life filled with the things I longed for her to have. She said the other day that she is nearly happy, she remembers so clearly how desperately sad she was, how hopeless she felt and she sees and feels the difference and I hope she can see that the things I promised her are coming true, I hope she sees that the very day she came to me, when she lay on the floor and she howled how she couldn't live that way anymore, when I knew she meant it and I made her promise to be obedient to listen and do what I asked her to do, when she promised that and she kept her promise, I hope she sees that I have kept mine, that I have done everything I can to help her.

I love having her here, I will miss her for 10 days and I will love every second she is away having fun.
I believe that she has come far enough that she won't go back to where she was. I still don't take any of it for granted there is still such a thrill when I see a new step she has taken.
I have been frantically checking her flight status all day, she is due to land in about 90 minutes, then she can start her 10 days of fun with Cathy and George. I can relax when I know she is with Cathy and on firm ground again.

I believe in miracles, I am sure that prayers are heard and answered. I am totally convinced that when we do our part the Lord will do the rest for us and with us.
I am so glad I know these things.