POP!

The boil burst! Last night it began to weep and this morning it burst and I rid my insides of that horrendous pus that was making me so ill.
I think actually, that Sophie and her date were perhaps the needle that lanced it and my absolute rage on her behalf for any wrong or injustice that MIGHT befall her was just enough to give me the impetus to stand up for ME too.
I am aware that a lot of the things that pain me so much are actually a residual effect of the Ex....if you are told for many years that you are actually nothing, chances are great that you''ll believe it, even if your heart is begging you not too, even if your childhood has given you a good old store of confidence with memories of being told you're somewhat bloody marvellous and couldn't be more so if your arse was decked in diamonds, if someone you have promised yourself to and loved has told you that your arse would only be worth decking in cubic zirconium, no forget that, plastic beads and with an arse the size of yours it would look hideous anyway, I can tell you that the childhood memories fade so fast you think you made them up in a dilussional moment.
If you are consitantly reminded ( when you ex has walked out on you ) that you won't ever meet anyone that will love you because it just isn't possible, he didn't want to be mean of course, was just telling me so I wouldn't build my hopes up. I might meet someone who thought he liked me but I was assured for years that should someone profess to love me it would be a sure thing that the very minute he knew the real me, as soon as he knew me well, he would leave, because lets face it, really it isn't possible to love me, having children has ruined me inside and out and I could diet but what about the inside? Can't change that can I ? stretched beyond repair and no satisfaction for any man will ever be had from MY body, so why bother? Why even try to salvage anything from the wreck that is me? Especially as even if a modern day miracle were to occur and my body were to become even tolerable what about the very essence of me? that's so revolting and useless and unworthy of loving that if I were to blind a man temporarily with the outside he wouldn't be fooled by the person that is me would he?
See? Even all these years down the road I still remember it, every mean and wicked word is branded on my mind and heart for eternity......so, even though I have H and even though he is here and loving me, I don't think he is loving me enough, the pathetic little weeping mass inside me is actually longing for him to smother me in promises to stay with me no matter how hideous I am. I crave being told just how gorgeous I am and how he couldn't imagine a moment without me but I'll be buggered if I can tell him that or ask him to say nice things ( because then he would be saying them because I asked him too not because he means them)...how bloody sod's lawish is it that I married a man so battling with his inability to be emotional? trust ME to love someone with aspergers!! Trust ME to meet and marry a man who will remember what time the binmen come and what days the milk is delivered but forget to say I smell good. Ha de sodding HA! ( ooh wouldn't the F word fit well in there?!)
H's proclaimation of love ( sharp smack on the bum) tells me, supposedly, that he loves me....in the style of Homer J. Simpson who taught H most of what he knows about marriage. What it actually tells me is that one smack can cause my bum to wobble and shake for a good 15 seconds and a particularly loving one can send shock waves shooting up my fat back, reminding me that the first husband was kind enough to tell me for so long how repulsive I am. Love declaration from 2nd husband cancelled very cleverly and completely by first. Damn him.
As for the work issue I actually after all these years asked H what he could do about it, pointed out that children learn from example, I told him about Sophie and her date and how she came home as giddy as she ought to have been and told me how absolutely terrified she was when he put his arm around her saying " I'm not used to that kind of thing, am I?" 16 years old and has never been hugged or shown physical affection by a man. How sad is that? I have done everything in my power to be everything to my girl and it hasn't been enough has it? There is a plan set out by God and all it asks is that a child have the right to be raised by a mother and father for the very simple reason that children NEED both, not necessarily the natural parents but one of each pretty much covers what a kid needs.
Here I am with a husband and a father for my children and these little boys AREN'T learning what they should be learning from us as parents. Slate me if you will for my old fashioned values and expectations but I want my sons to see that despite difficulties they can and should still be strong enough to do what is necessary to provide for their families, if they are adjusted well enough to get past any problems their autism has encumbered them with enough to marry and have children then I believe they can work and provide for that family. Seems reasonable enough doesn't it?
I was able to point this out rationally to H and also remind him that he did weeks of work for the UKIP without pay, he is capable of finding work that he loves, that he is great at, that will pay him to provide for us. I asked him what HE thought a father should be seen to do by his sons...and that got through...he actually said that was a fair question and he knows it is true that children learn by example. I told him that while he is here I am stripped of my role, the very thing that I am so good at, that gives me pride and high self esteem is taken from me and I am left feeling useless and hopeless. If there is a gap where self esteem should be there is room for the nagging rot left by the ex. Loads of echo-ing space for every mean and demeaning quote to come back and bounce around taking me right back to where I was all those years ago with an added whisper of " SEE? Right wasn't I? He can't even bring you to say the words, he'll just slap your fat arse and laugh at how repulsive you are"
"Who said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?" what a Crock!