Talk the good talk or you'll fight the good fight!

Did I tell you that the first husband used to make me walk 20 yards behind him? Not from the start but near the end, when I was pregnant with sophie he wouldn't let me walk with him but would march ahead and I would trot behind him for 2 miles into town. By then of course I was so convinced that I was hideous, stupid, worthless, repulsive that it wouldn't have occurred to me to argue about it, wouldn't have thought to tell him to just keep walking and hope he lands in hell.
I had a line that I mustn't cross if I wanted to meet him from work..." Don't go past the corner, wait there and I'll come to you, I don't need people to know you're with me" Oh Ok then, that's understandable isn't it?
You think you get over this stuff when you get over the person. When they've gone and you see as clearly as day that actually THEY have the problem, they are the insecure ones who need to bully and abuse in order to feel big, especially when you watch from the outside and they do it again and again to every women they meet and say they love....ugh what sad, pathetic creatures, thank goodness we escaped, absolute bloody nutters. It doesn't go though, no matter how convinced you are that they are stupid, that tiny part right as deep as deep can be keeps whispering that he may be right.
When H sulks, when he shuts off in his aspergers kind of way, he may as well be making me walk behind him, every feeling of misery and helplessness that I felt dragging my stupid self behind the first husband as he walked laughing with his friend, or his mother or our sons, comes flooding back and my snivelling little soul cries, because I so don't want to feel so hateful, I so don't want to feel so worthless that I'm not even worth talking to, explaining to, loving. " oh please don't ignore me, please don't make me know I'm useless, PLEASE don't make me feel like I should crawl into a black hole and just give up"
H was still quiet this morning and I had the choice of either just going out or facing him....I faced him. I told him that I had to go and try to sort out some of the mess we are in financially and while I was gone he had better remember that he should actually be on his knees every day of his life thanking the Lord for everything that is done for him , he could work out what his problem was and deal with it or find out how it feels to be on the receiving end of some of his behaviours and he'd better believe that I'm really good at it when I try.
H grew up with a lot of anger and so he isn't good with it, his way of not being angry ( he thinks ) is to be quiet and not open his mouth until he can trust himself not to lose control...when he told me what the problem was this morning, it was so simple it made me weep.......what can I do to get the message across that talking isn't a bad thing? I haven't told him much about the first husband because it's done with....but it isn't is it? Maybe I should tell him and he may understand that his way of dealing with anger is so damaging to me that he risks blowing it all. We have so much together and are so good for each other that I feel immense frustration at this stumbling block we have.
We had a great day with the boys, went to a fabulous park and watched them run riot and have fun and when we were talking he just stroked my back. It is like balm to me to just be touched by him. We are both very damaged by various things in our lives and are both about 4 emotionally......I need him which infuriates me and I know he needs me, which calms me.
I took a picture today that soothes my soul, my baby with my 6' 5" 2nd son.....I made these perfect people!!



Oh-- the saturday catch up...... only 1 lb down this week making it -10lbs. still loads to go but not as much as 3 weeks ago. HOWEVER.....for the first time in nearly 20 years of being over weight my skin is SPOT FREE!! Not a zit, spot, blotch in sight YEAY for water by the gallon!! My blood pressure has come down and I washed my jeans and did them up straight from the drier without having to even breath in!!Hoorah for good fresh food and fresh air! This week has been a tough one and there have been 2 or 3 times where I reverted back to the eat crap because I feel crap mode, but guess what? it didn't spiral, didn't hit me and make me feel useless and stupid and what's the point? I just ate some junk food, enjoyed it and thought " now stop". Is that what normal people do? Eat something they fancy and then stop? Cool!
It has still been a good week, in fact a great week, because I haven't felt that I have let myself down a bit and that's what this whole exercise is about, increasing my self esteem, feeling stronger and lifting my feelings self worth. 3 whole weeks of being kind to me...truly a record for me!
I have now lost more than the required amount from my doctor to be given a prescription to prevent my body absorbing fat, for now I will hold off as things are going so well just as is, if I hit a glitch where everything stops and I lose the enthusiasm maybe I wil go for it then, right now this is just as good as it gets!