The worst thursday yet.

" Let not your heart be troubled, ye believe in God, believe also in me. I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you. Peace be unto you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid"
( John 14. 1. 18 and 27)

I should dread thursdays much more than I do, rather foolishly it seems that I skip on over to the doctors to see Jan thinking that I probably don't need to go anymore, those are the worst, when it catches me unawares.
Today, well, maybe I should have known, I have been in a funk for a week, not really knowing what is wrong, but something has been niggling its evil way through me the whole time. I couldn't put my finger on it, not that I tried too hard, just felt wretched and out of sorts. Until this morning when I breezed into Jan's cosy room , with it's comfortable chairs and reassuring lilac walls. Normal chit chat, recounting the week, sort of mentioning the grey and miserable feeling that has hovered. Then Dan. My boy. My first born and gentlest of sweet boys. The rest is mine and Jan's. Details of what started the following, will stay where they are, which isn't in me anymore.
I started to feel that hideous swelling, that massive medicine ball of horrendous pain that pushes on my heart and my lungs, it tries to burst it's way out anyhow, through my back, through my chest, out of my throat. I couldn' t let it out there, although she did ask me if I wanted to, just a pathetic sort of whimpering that came out. Hand over mouth and curled up against the physical pain, I managed only to say that I had to get home. I said I didn't want to go through this anymore or deal with how ripped apart it was all making me feel. I don't have a choice though, it is time, and it's coming out. It's very, very frightening.
It is a mere few steps from the annexe to my home but it felt like a lifetime before I made it. Sunshine around me, deepest darkness inside. I literally heaved and retched every step of the way and when I got home the front door was open to let the sunshine in. I kicked off shoes and somehow made it upstairs, my legs were so heavy and the weight in my chest was enormous, it was all I could do to crawl up those steps......as I got into my room, it started, complete and utter blackness, my chest ripped and out came a noise I have never heard and certainly never made in my entire life, it tore my throat, it tore my chest and between my shoulder blades felt like a white hot poker. Every muscle in my body convulsed, every ounce of me heaved and was in spasm as this filth was released. Whatever evil was trapped in me for the past 17 years made it's way out accompanied by the loudest shrieking and moaning imaginable. I tried to keep my head in a pillow but because I wasn't able to keep still as each spasm and howl forced its way out some of it was at full volume. Every time I thought it was over, it started again, over and over and over again. Where has that been hiding for so long? How have I lived and walked and breathed, how have I smiled or laughed, carried babies, eaten ( and I certainly HAVE done that!!) with that inside me? In making it's way out it rendered me totally blind for a while, absolute blackness and a pain in my head that is indescribable, it was an exorcism, it was pure and undiluted filth and misery. Not one part of my body escaped. How can a feeling, an emotion, be so physical. How can it take on a solid form that can do such harm to a body and mind? This is tangible, physical and solid.
Thankfully Eli was playing outside and H was watching him with the ever present ipod earphones in. There was nobody to hear and nobody to catch the poison as it left.
When it's over I swear that I stink. Noone says I do, but it feels like a stench is on my skin.
I felt lonely though, because it was so frightening, I have done all this on my own and I so want someone to help me now. I know though, that to be rid of it , truly kill it and be better, I need to do it alone.
I've been home 4 hours, I have slept for 3 and I am exhausted. My head hurts, my legs can barely carry me and I'm shaking, from head to toe. H has taken Eli to get the boys from school and then to the park. Dinner is cooking and I can just sit here and be still. Healing indeed.
I'm going again next week, of course, I think I may be ready, or more ready, for whatever may happen. It isn't over, but it's on it's way. I hope every second of this, from June 1989 until it's done, is being recorded by the angels, I hope nothing is being missed so that when that monster faces Christ himself, he will be held accountable for every single bit of it. Not until then will it really be over, but I am secure in my knowledge that the pain I have and am suffering is almost at an end....... his will be eternal. Justice indeed.

Every pedophile out there, every worthless child molester, every monster, man or woman, who allows this to happen , who makes it happen, who thinks his or her carnal pleasure and perverted desires are important, who touches and damages a child, children, families, be undeniably sure that your day will come. You will not be forgiven and you will never, EVER be able to squirm or lie or slither your way out of the punishment that will be so just, so fitting and so miserable, and remember, it will be forever. FOREVER. The evil you have forced on innocent people will come back to you 100 fold...be ready.
I know there is a God and it is stated throughout scriptures that the most beloved to Him are the little ones, children.
" Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you that in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my father on heaven." ( Matthew 18. 14)
Oh you stupid, stupid people who think you can harm even one child and get away with it. Every tear and every breath of fear will be yours to answer to. May I and every other righteous mother and father, every damaged and pain filled child be there when your punishment is served.