The travellers return...so does the positive me.

Hooray, the H is back in the house! All cosmopolitan and travelled, tired and travel weary. I am told he wore them all out, made them get up at the crack of dawn and see it all, tramp the streets, ride the metro, see it, do it, experience it. Except for the shops of course. Poor Kara. I think she stamped her foot and managed a shop or two but it was Museums and places of interest. they saw the Arch de Triomphe, Eiffle tower, The mona lisa.....they ate cheese and fine meals and I am ridiculously, childishly, ashamedly jealous.
I didn't mind a bit before they went, didn't feel even an smidgen of envy while they were there but I am feeling decidedly snippy at every excited mention of what they saw and where they went. Jose, I am told rushed to the airport and made it, went for 2 days and enjoyed the sights before he went back to the states.
I wonder why I mind so much today...is it the fact that so rarely do I see H so animated and to witness it now and not have been a part of it is difficult? Is it that they ate in fine restaurants, walked through grand places and did grown up things and for 3 days didn't have to intervene once in the endless cycle of little boy battles? Perhaps I just long so much for a time of selfish indulgence that I am not ready to give myself. I could have gone, it was completely possible. I chose not to.
I loved how thrilled they were to see us at the airport, the plan was that they catch a bus home but after 3 hours of trying to clean the house in vain and having to seperate these boys who just seem to thrive on fighting each other every waking moment, I just wanted out of the house. That fighting gets so dull very quickly. Seth is particularly mean in his battling. Isaac is incredibly strong and quite clearly gets the red mist of rage, Elijah just loves the whole thing, such joy in each punch and a kick in the unsuspecting head of a brother bigger than him is positively the highlight of his day.
I can almost understand that, there are times I am sure I would gain enormous satisfaction from kicking someone in the head, thank goodness that most of us, as we grow, learn that such actions are best left in the imagination. Is it my job to teach that? I think it is.....groan.
I was happier than a happy thing whenever H stroked my back or squeezed my hand. So nice to know that he was as glad to see me as I was to see him.
As the day went on, I minded less about missing the Paris experience, by tomorrow I am sure I won't mind a bit that I didn't go.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing on my blob blog...it's mainly the time issue, with everyone here I just can't take the time for both blogs. I have also been pathetic sticking to it....not bad, not right off but just iffy. I weighed myself the day they went to Paris, 4lbs gained. ARGH! So, stocked up on slimfast, bottled water and some very firm talking to myself. I think I have lost 3 of those 4lbs. I know so surely that I do NOT want to go backwards. I hate the very idea of gaining the weight back, I don't want to lose that glorious sense of achievement. the goals, the positive outlook. I see very overweight people and want to keep that thrill of knowing I have stopped myself getting that far down the road of misery and discomfort. I never, ever want to feel that loathing that was so much a part of my life.
I have had weeks of hovering, not being strong, not weak, not gaining, not losing but very definately I have noticed the good feeling is going, harder to look at myself and feel positive, more disinterest in looking at things to wear, do, plan. Today I felt that sort of dragging feeling, the desire to shrink into myself and hide. NO WAY !!!!! Never again, I promised myself, I was changing the way I looked, felt, thought and slowly but very surely that has been slipping away again.
How exciting to have caught myself and to understand that this is entirely in my hands. No-one can do this for me, just me and THAT is what makes it so amazing when it works, when I manage to battle the negative thoughts, those " oh that won't hurt" whispers, the " but you're not bad now" reasonings.
I'm not bad, no longer horribly obese BUT I haven't done what I promised myself I would do. I haven't finished what I started. I'm not past the finishing line that is SO much closer than it used to be, it is SO achievable and within reach. The school holidays have been a tough challenge for me, having grandpa and Kara here has almost been my downfall. The boys go back to school next week and Grandpa leaves on sunday too. No reason then why I can't look at this as my time to start again, get up and out and just DO IT!
That feels SO good, so right to tell myself that it can be done and isn't at all a hardship but a treat, a positive reward for me. Just for me. More of that feel good stuff, much more of that waking up and looking forward to what I can achieve . I hate it that it is so easy to lose that positive feeling.
I think that I had it in my mind that the whole weight loss trip was going to be smooth sailing this time, that week after week it would just come off and hey presto I would be skinny malinny. It has been easier than ever before because I am ready to do it, I don't need the fat now but old habits die hard and I really really love food, I love buying it, cooking it, smelling it, feeling it and EATING it. I can still love all that and do all that but it has to be good food, not the easy crap that tastes good but feels bad, I'm not kidding when I say that there are many foods that I love that make me feel like poop. I swear that white bread makes me feel like a gunged up slug. Overly sugary things make me feel like a wired and bad tempered toddler. My legs go CRAZY after sweet foods. If I cheat and eat chocolate or sweets my legs hurt so badly because they are so hyper and jig so much.
I have been hopeless with drinking water, I bought small bottles that I keep in Jordan's fridge, so easy then to grab a bottle and guzzle it. I refill them and make sure I have plenty cold at all times, grab one when I go out in the car, grab one when I sit down, another to go to bed with. I keep some in the freezer so when we go out I have one that will stay cool.
What a relief to feel like this again. I hate that other person that thinks she isn't worth looking after, who isn't worth taking the time to feed well, to exercise or treat nicely.
I am learning that if I want to eat when no-one is around, when no-one can see, the chances are that food isn't what I need. I might make it a rule to only eat when someone is around.....When my visitors have gone I will try and write the blob blog but write EVERYTHING I eat, not just the main meals. Keep a complete journal of what I eat, that will really help me to watch what I take in!
The weather is definately cooling down now, I am going to have to get back on track with my exercising. BLARGH! I honestly don't enjoy it but hey, maybe one day?!?! I wish I lived near Julie bo so I could get me Ruby and go cycling with her, I would have a green bike and call her Emerald and we would cut a very fine picture as we pedalled to perfection with our young'uns behind us.
My weight loss ticker is twiddling it's thumbs waiting for me to enter some new numbers, 46 down, 45 still to go. I am resolute in my determination that it won't have to wait much longer. the holidays are over, I am ready to be good to myself again and with all the birthdays behind us it is time to get back on it and show me what I can do. Hoorah for me.
This girl is gone for good...



this one is here right now but she still isn't as happy as she could be, still not as fit as she needs to be.

PUT THE CAKE DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM IT!!!!!