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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Coming back. Tra la la.

I am so thrilled to say that the real me is REALLY coming back, emotions and spirits and joy. Mine, again. YEAY!!
It has to be said that with me, what you see, is what you get. Pretty much always. what you read here is what people around see and hear. Wherever I am, this is it.
I am going to re-read the older posts I wrote, at the beginning when my heart was at it's saddest and inside I was dead. I know I am different now. Thank God for that. Really, that's not a sacreligious statement, it's the truth.
I am almost back. One of the most (for me ) disturbing things I noticed when I was so sad, was that I could no longer sing.
I told about my throat, how it would blister and ache when I knew that I was going to talk about the saddest and most frightening feelings that I had hidden for so long, also the inability to talk at times. I stopped enjoying speaking, which was a gift to my family and a sadness to me. I still don't much enjoy the phone but am beginning to see the look on peoples' faces, in real life, that I feel on mine when Sophie is talking....a mix of incredulity that someone can actually talk for this length without taking breath and a gradual loss of the will to live because dear life will she ever shut up? Will she??? ( no, she doesn't, suck it up mate, I got a lot to make up!)
I never lost the joy of writing the way I think...rattle rattle prattle the chat, but couldn't get it out of my mouth somehow.
The singing, well that left completely, I couldn't get it out at all, my throat was closed. I sometimes could get a very low note out but tunes were gone, the life was gone....nothing.
Now, I was never a star in the making, I sang in shows, at weddings, in church, I recorded a song I wrote with a friend when I was 20.....all the usual things young girls do. I would never have made it on the X. Factor or American idol, but I loved it that I COULD sing.
I liked it when a neighbour knocked on my door to say she had been standing outside listening to me sing along to good old Warbling Whitney , I adored singing while I worked, and in the car. At church...well, the Lord got his worshipping from me at a belting volume with every ounce of joy I had. When that went and I couldn't even hear if any sound was coming out, when I couldn't sing those beloved hymns and add harmonies, get goosepimples from the exultation of such worshipping, well a part of me died too.
I went to church today and my most favourite hymn was chosen. I opened my mouth and I SANG!! It came out, my voice! In tune, I heard it and felt it and even got the goosebumps. My joy....the worshipping, the gratitude ,the faith. I did it, it's back. Hallelujah!

I suspect my children will be overjoyed that I have tune again, because even though my voice had gone, I still sang to them. Badly. I sing about everything, I make up songs all day every day, Elijah does it too.
" Me and you, me and you, mummy and Elijah just we two..." as we go to the store on our own.

" Hip hip hooray, Elijah's with gramma today,
We love him and adore him but...
we can't help shouting HOORAY!"

You get the picture. We have songs for everything, "up the stairs, up the stairs, we've had a drink and we'll say our prayers"

" Eli Henry did a poot, Eli Eli oh!
We don't care because he's cute, Eli Eli oh!"
D'ya get the picture?

I was darned if I was stopping just because I didn't have a voice anymore. Heck no. Actually, even if I had thought about it, I couldn't have stopped because it's involuntary, comes out without me giving it a thought. How marvellous then that now it can come out with melody and tone. Phew.
Along with the voice, my feeling of belonging is coming back. I walk through the doors at church and feel at home, as if I am where I should be, as if I am among friends. I love that. I go into my lessons and have things to say, with my mouth and my heart. Hoorah!
I like it that even at church people enjoy my humour...sometimes I think I might come across as flippant but apparantly not. Good with singing, when I speak I open my mouth and those words come right on out.... although I don't think I swear at church, I swear less at home and even less in my head these days. The sad and angry me swore so much, ack....bad sad me. Actually I find myself flinching when I hear swear words these days. Amazing.
I think swearing stopped me hitting people though. So not all bad.
My heart is happy that I am almost back.....I enjoy waking up and not feeling dread, I love thinking about tomorrow and looking forward to it.
I am seeing Jan tomorrow and it has been 3 or 4 weeks since I last went. I think I may not need her anymore. Part of me feels afraid to say goodbye in case things turn backwards. She has been my safety net, when I have a worry that might eat me alive I go to her and talk and somehow answer my own thoughts.
I'm not sure that I believe yet that when I have a low day , that's all it will be, a low day, not the end of the world. I maybe don't accept that I am through that hell that lasted so long and have beaten it, but every day that I feel, that I can laugh and cry and not feel terror at those feelings, well it sinks in a bit deeper that it could really be true. The sun may well indeed have it's hat on....hip hip hip hooray.
Perhaps that light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train after all......I didn't get flattened, all is well after all. ( she says crossing fingers and touching wood, not that I will admit to being superstitious at all or anything)
So, I shall sing my way to glory and I might even start using the phone again, anyone fancy a chat? I promise not to sing!


Blogger -Lo said...

call me call me. We will sing about Elija pooping on the potty! We shall make up a song together.
I feel your joy popping out at me from the computer screen. Hitting me in my heart and making me SMILE!
I love you i love you!


9:57 pm  
Anonymous Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

Oh Helen you have no idea how happy this post makes me.. tears of joy.. tears of joy!!!!!



12:57 am  
Blogger justLacey said...

i sing a lot too, happy or sad. i always have and i love it. i'm so happy you're happy. what a great feeling! king you are reading this i hope? you see what is possible? now you have helen to show you how. why do we all live so far apart?

1:03 am  
Anonymous King's Ricky said...

Very good.

3:50 am  
Blogger Lilsoutherngirl said...

Helen you are wonderful... Sing as loud as you want....It always makes me feel good to sing. I agree with Lo I can feel you happiness just bouncing off this screen.

1:33 pm  

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