I must have thought I was chinese.

I had a treatment today and I got through it because I did something so absurd, so unbelievable, that I spent the whole hour thinking of how I was going to tell you about it. Actually that's a lie because the massage part, that part was spent giving birth, sort of...I'll get to to that later.
I went in, had my consult and told them that damnation if I hadn't had the worst twitchy leg night last night. I didn't tell them that because of saturday I thought I may need the anti depressants and took one yesterday, stupid me. I had my final councelling session with Jan today, I am so glad I went because she helped me see that the sadness about Jordan and the army isn't my depression returning it is a mother's natural feelings and fears for her son. I will have sad days, just like normal people, I will have bad tempered days just like normal people and I will have strong, happy days that out number those low days..like normal people.
Jan told me it had been a pleasure and 'interesting' to councel me. I am nothing if not interesting, hoorah.
So....off I went to my chinese healing man with torturous hands. He explained that I really need the pain, the hard pressure the intence stuff, when he mamby pampied around last time he didn't get to move what he needed to move ( still managed to bruise me pretty well though, clever him) So, I undressed and lay on my table with my towel for modesty, he came in and uncovered my legs, I pointed to my huge bruise and said
" Ahhhh, see? Loo! !" I did, I actually SAID THOSE WORDS, not 'look', but 'LOO' in a chinese accent!! Honestly, I heard myself but had absolutely no control over it, then I sort of snorted because I knew that I just had to pretend I didn't just say that, with that accent. I can't even blame medication, it was just me...taken away by the moment I think, mixed with some fear because he has just said I need the pain and should try werry hard to just take it and enjoy how good it feels afterwards. ( glad H isn't reading this , he may get ideas and there are some steps I just won't take)
Needles, interesting, got some on the inside of my wrists today, that was awkward....how do you lie for 45 minutes with needles on the inside of your wrists? I ended up hanging my arms over the side of the bed without hardly thinking about them because today, TODAY people we had WIRES!! Yes, and because I got wires, plugged into electricity and attached to the needles, I risked them hearing "HELLO MOTO" and reached for my phone and turned it on and took this...



and I knocked a wrist needle out and had to ring the bell and get it put back in. I so wanted to take a video of how my legs were jerking. They so were, for 45 minutes. When I saw what the plan was I ( in my most polite and English way ) said " So, how long do you need to train to learn how to do this?" when actually I wanted to yell "NAUGHTY f WORD WITH A CAPITOL F! Wires? Electricity?? NEEDLES???? The hell with that matey..I'm off! "
Sometimes it is not the best thing to be chock a block with English reserve.
10 years, that's good, I reckoned that after 10 years he probably knew what he was doing. Actually, having this treatment today made me think about having my babies. 5 of them naturally, no pain relief ( one with epidual, lovely, clever epidural man) I told myself that if I could do that, and that REALLY hurts dear hell, I surely should be able to do this thing, wires and all.
Now here is where you get some great doula, natural woman empowering, you can do it advice, I should probably charge because it works, beautifully, try it if you are having a baby and are either a) feeling that you want to do it without pain relief ( mad?!? ) or b) like me...find that oh for the love of drugs it's coming out RIGHT NOW AND THERE IS NO TIME.. OH SHIT THAT HURTS. ( ow)

So, you feel the pain and you do this.

You shut out everything, EVERYTHING, chinese doctors, and especially in the case of childbirth, husbands who think they are doing some good by counting. Or telling you when another contraction is coming. Idiots.
Bless H for knowing to just shut his mouth and let me hurt him with clenched fists with twisted shirt and his skin inside.
You shut out every sound and you breathe. You listen to the air go in your nose and out of your mouth and you breathe in until you cannot possibly breathe in any more, until your head goes woozy. then you breathe out, slowly and all the while, instead of trying to get the hell away from that pain..go towards it, yes towards it. Make yourself feel it and know that actually it can't kill you ( oh that it would in that last phase as the big old head is about to shoot forth) I did that today when he hurt my legs so badly , I knew that no matter how much it felt like it, he wasn't going to break my shin, my legs weren't going to snap.
With the wire thing, well, I was afraid and fear makes you tense..that wasn't going to help so I made myself relax.
I am bloody marvellous aren't I? I can relax, with needles in my legs that have wires connected to them and electrical currents passing through, TWITCH, relax..aahhhhh JERK, relax..oooohhh. I think you'd have enjoyed a picture, me on a table, wired up, needles, arms hanging down the sides so needles don't get banged out ( again) eyes closed and do you know, I think I rather liked it ( evidence that really, I should get out more.)
I will never say I like the massage though. I heard an old lady taken into the cubicle next door, it was obviously her first time because she ( bless her nylon stockings) had that same incredulous high pitch to her voice when she realised that yes, it ALL had to come off and teeny weeny chinese interpreter wasn't moving til it had, when you're an old lady that must be even harder to accept because , heavens, there is so MUCH to take off, petticoats and nylons and substantial undergarments. Don't forget those sturdy shoes that take 30 minutes to lace up.......I was particularly brave today because I didn't want her to be too afraid if I screamed, or something.
Enough that she heard that bed creaking and moaning under my weight and his administrations. I hope he was more gentle with that old lady and her swollen ankles.
So, another session under my belt, a few more hard earned bruises. A step closer to being well and strong. I only have one more session left that is paid for , I wish I could keep up the intensive treatment but it is going to have to be a once a week torture from here on in. Shame, what will I write about then?

Actually, I could always show you pictures..like this one



or this one.....



Because...look how gorgeous the big boy is, my Dan, who is HERE and will be hugged and kissed until he can't stand it. So there.

Look at this room, this is the HALLOWEEN room! Can you believe it?