It's the way I tell 'em.

I had a pretty good day today, worked out exactly why I have been screwed up ine the head again. Long story, not sure I can even get into it ..... it's one of those stories that once you start telling means you have to tell a whole history and...well you know dull. Usually.
It is great to have that lighbulb ping and the realisation that you're not actually going mad. I like it when that happens.
Also , at church today the bishop came up to me and said
"Helen, I want to thank you for what you said in your testimony last week. I said to Claire ( his wife) that I could listen to the things you say for hours you know how to tell things and put it all together into a story so that we can't help but listen"
Now, how lovely is that? Smashing.
He also said something about giving me a load of slightly dull but necessary books and having me read them, but in my own words onto tape so he can listen and play them to his children. Awww.
It is years since anyone has said that to me. There was a time when I couldn't speak to anyone on the phone without being told that my voice was wonderful and could I just keep talking please. About anything. When I lived in the states I would get discount on stuff like paint if I would ask again for what I needed. Is that fabulous? Asking someone who loves nothing more than to talk and talk, to talk....and then giving them discount for doing it.
Of course, then I had my voice losing, talk hating, don't look at me, period of sadness and so maybe I forgot that this was all such fun to me. It was very nice indeed to be reminded that perhaps I still have it.
So, why have I been slithering reluctantly back into that fear filled angst? Well, it's all to do with monsters.
You are aware that I work with the children in our church. I love that, they are gorgeous and worthy of our very best. They get it.
The lengths that are taken that even after a lifetime in this church I have been unaware of, are enormous. Let it be known that in this church your children are prized above all else. Their well being and safety is paramount.
The children have one hour of singing and such like all together and then they go to classes. Their teachers are picked and called and they have classrooms, each classroom has a window and those responsible for the teachers etc will be sure to look through those windows at least once or twice during each lesson time.
If the children need the toilet during the time they are in primary , one of us will take them, they don't run the halls they aren't alone or unsupervised. Even at church bad things can happen.
The very nature of church means that strangers are welcomed in. Strangers in the childrens' area though are not welcomed and are politely shown to the adult part of the building.
During a meeting we had last week, we were told that it is necessary to be particularly vigilant with the children.
Without giving any details, but with telling you that, yet again I am so impressed with how careful the leaders are with these children, nothing is left to chance. Anyway we discussed how extra important it is to watch these children to make sure that they are always safe and not left unattended at any time.
While that all made me feel great to know just how much these children are loved and protected, it must have stirred up the filthy, dark, hate filled memories of once upon a nightmare. I wasn't aware until this morning, when I was getting dressed and my head was filled with what if's.
What if there was someone at church I didn't know, what would I do if anyone tried to hurt any of these children? What sadness is it that even here, in a place that should be the safest on earth, evil can still get in? While all this was going on in my mind, my whole gut twisted, my whole soul was sad and felt dark again and then I knew that this is what has been eating me.
This is a sad world because we so want there to be places our children can be safe, and they really can be, we just have to make those places safe. We just have to be a step ahead and watch carefully.
We shouldn't assume that because WE are good, others are too. If we take our children to a public place, that has open doors....we should accept that bad as well as good can come through those doors. I just hated being reminded of that. I always hate being reminded of that time when the monster ruled our lives. I am immensely relieved that no monsters rule us now.
What is hugely reassuring is that even without us knowing, there are people watching out for us, people who have our very best interests at heart. Not a stone is left unturned in the quest to keep these children safe and innocent. Reassuring indeed.