It's one of those things.

So, my baby started his road to education and all things grown up today.
I have oft read mothers writing about how their babies are growing *sniff* and you know what? I roll my eyes and usually call them names ( in my head) especially first time mothers, because if you ask me, first timers are always THRILLED when their babies pass milestones.
I read or hear women saying that they cry because their babies aren't babies and they started school ( WHOOHOOOOO!) or had a sleepover, or got a tooth and my thoughts usually go along the lines of " Oh shut up! You love it, you know you do. Kids grow up..get used to it!"
I have positively skipped and whistled on the way to first days of school, bragged endlessly at first steps ( 9 1/2 months with Sophie, my children are genius babies, what can I say?) I don't like the getting of big teeth, that does get me feeling a little weepy, those little faces become so gawky overnight when little pearly teeth fall out and big old tombstones take their place.
Anyway.....here I am. My baby, the last one for me, is at school. He loves it, he was divine. He doesn't need me there. Happy boy.
Oh dear life, I wanted to weep the whole damn time we were there.
He loved the sand



He played with cars....






He did cutting and sticking......



He didn't have his daily nap, he was at nursery right through nap time, about 10 minutes before we left he said he was tired.....while I chatted with the teacher he took himself off into another room, when I found him he had got a book, tucked himself into the little play bed and was sucking his thumb, waiting for a story!
My heart leaps with this baby every day.
He is an endless joy. I have to join the ranks of those sniffing mothers who weep at the growing of their offspring.
I will miss him. Truly I will, he just oozes such glorious deliciousness. He expects adoration wherever he goes...and he gets it. He is completely unafraid to show love, his best friend Mia was at nursery for her induction day today as well. Mia cried
and Eli dropped what he was doing, ran to Mia and said
" oh, don't try Mia, iss OK."
I will never have this at home with me again, not full time......I am without baby. I hate that.
My whole life I have thought about, planned for, dreamed of, tried to prevent, tried to conceive, been pregnant, had babies. Even when I was single, when Sophie started school, I still knew that this wasn't the end, that somehow there would be more. I knew it, I knew them, I was waiting for them.
Now I know this is it. I really won't be having more babies. I hope I will be a nana, grandma, I know I will but it won't be the same. I am determined not to interfere when my children have ther children. I won't have a say. They won't be mine. I will visit and they will visit ( because they won't be living with me, no they won't!!!)
I am pretty sure that this will be fleeting sadness. I know that there are new things to look forward to. 'New horizons' as they say in floaty sort of novels and rather sickening positive thinking thingumies.
I might come to love the whole time on my hands thing. I'm just going to miss the precious moments that having little people are guaranteed. There is nothing like a tiny hand stroking your arm while you read a story. I just can't quite imagine that anything I can do from now will quite come up to the emotions and rewards that I have enjoyed so far in my grown up life. Perhaps that might be because I haven't ever wanted anything else.
I put the boy to bed at 7pm, I sat in the dark after we had read our story and just listened to him breathe.
I fully intend to grab every moment of this last baby, soak up every sight of his still chubby thighs, bask in every time he reaches up and plays with my ear as he sucks his thumb.
I am almost ashamed to admit that I am feeling selfish about this last bit of babyhood, I am reluctant to share him, I want him all for ME. *sniff*
Shut up me.