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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Oh and...random musings.

How utterly doable does it sound for me to say that if I lost a paltry 5lbs a MONTH I could lose 50lbs before I travel?
How wonderful, no need to even think about how many fat lady clothes there are to buy I wouldn't need them and also, 2 seats.
Can you even begin to imagine how ruinous it would be to get to the airport and be told that no matter how thrilling this trip is, sorry lady, you can't go unless you pay for another ticket because that arse is never going to fit in one seat?
I might have a little incentive to help. It is the most frightening and bizarre goings on I have ever encountered. I can feel my heart beating, really hard, in my neck and between my shoulder blades. It wakes me up, it makes me stop and catch my breath.
At the doctors the other day I told her about that and she took my blood pressure. Her eyebrows shot up and she said ' wow' that IS high.
She didn't seem suprised because I am in the midst of stressful stressfulness, but I have never had high BP before, ever, and so it has had the effect on me that for the past few days when I have gone to eat chocolate, add salt, eat chocolate, I hear my cheery head ask " what if THAT is what sends a fat clot hurtling through your fat veins and clogs your fat heart or fat brian ( look, I wrote brian again, I always do that , maybe I should just call my brain Brian and be done with it)
I really don't think I can bear to say I am doing it, look at me, I will be thin in days..here we go. I am tired of setting goals and diet plans, yawn ( and while my mouth is open, cake please.)
I don't want to die though, or be a vegetable, or even have to take a plethora of 'don't let THAT happen again' drugs.
How mad would I be if the worst happened and I look back and know that just NOT eating those chips would have stopped that.
This winter has been a tough one. Everyone has been so sick, cough, snot, sneeze, whine, snot, grizzle. Somehow, I have managed to have about 3 times of thinking it is my turn, ow sore throat.....then it doesn't hit me, hooray. I got sick once but everyone else here has been down much more than they have been well. I, however, I have been ooh ooh, owie, acking my way through the weather. My knees feel like they are made of some cheese grater type deal with a bunch of nerves caught in between. My ankles are screaming their displeasure. My back is old.
The boys like to have piggy back rides up to bed. Seth weighs 42lbs. I just can't carry that little nerd up the stairs, he makes my whole skeleton groan and beg for mercy. I lost 38 lbs last year and have gained back 28lbs. WHAT AM I DOING????
I lost just less than Seth weighs. His weight makes my poor body weep and beg for mercy. I am making myself carry him around all day, every day, upstairs, downstairs, around town, into bed.
If my bones don't like it, my heart must be thumping this hard to try and make me remember it is in here TELLING ME TO GIVE IT A BREAK!
We had baked haddock for dinner tonight, baked with lemon juice and black pepper. It was SO delicious, why don't we do that more? I have been so lazy. So bored. So stupid.
You must be bored hearing all this again. Last week I got back on the kind to me wagon, it was great, I felt better, lost a couple of pounds, then the Sophie thing and why does that stuff make me eat? Who else cares if I am punishing myself? Who exactly am I 'showing' when I beat myself up with chocolate and crusty bread with butter?
The Sophie thing is still going on.
I so get why grandpa let his kids stay at his house til they were on their 40s , this stuff is HARD.
The more she digs her heels in, the more she shows me how young she is and the more I just wish she knew more.
I am having to be tough on every single point.
"can I borrow £3?"
"no, because soon, when you aren't living here, £3 will be the difference between eating or not"
"but it's £3 and on monday I get....."
" And you have to learn, really quickly, that however much you will be getting, you are going to have do a huge amount with it. You cannot spend it all and then think someone will lend you money til next time. Sophie, you have chosen to be grown up. You have made measures to ensure that very soon you will be in charge of yourself. What then? What do you need for when you move out? Where will that come from?"
She walks out and pretends she doesn't hear.
I want to let her stay young but things have gone too far, no matter how many times she says I have never loved her and choose everyone before her, no matter how it breaks my heart to see that she actually believes that, I have to follow this through and let her go. I think that she has to go out into that world and learn first hand that sometimes I know what I am saying.
Maybe one day she will actually know that I love her.
It's the most frustrating thing ever to love someone this much and not be believed. There is so much I want to say to her, every time I try she throws it back, I don't love her, I treat her differently to everyone else, everybody gets more than her. After a while, you find you can't get the words out anymore, and then she is proven right. Damn.
She has an interview on monday for a place in a housing place that gives these kids independance whilst keeping an eye on them at the same time. She really could be moving out soon. The mummy in me wants her to just be nice, be happy, be good but she has to learn those things. I think she has to see it all from a new angle. This is so hard. But the tough stuff brigs the best rewards doesn't it? I know that one day we will be friends, we will look back on all this and know it was worth it. And that is what keeps me going.

1 Comments:

Blogger Julie Q said...

That is one reason, I find it easy to let my girls stay/act young. They are so stinking good! In a lot of ways. I'm not bragging, I do wish Amanda would grow up a bit. It is frustrating at times.

I made it to the post office today. I hope it makes it there in time. I had to laugh at the worker at the post office. She acted like I wouldn't want to mail it when I found out how much it cost! he he But, it's all in fun. I just wish I could have found the corn nuts. :)

4:09 am  

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