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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Whistle, whistle.

Because I have nothing to say ( which never stopped me posting yet!) I have that horrible thing where you get a bad feeling, an uneasy sort of wary feeling for no known reason, of course then I find myself asking what it could be and making up 758 reasons for it. Things I hadn't thought about feeling badly about suddenly become HUGE. It's all part of being a bit mad, I think.
Did you notice how that little blob in the box up there to the left is growing? Look at it, little arms and legs and a big old head......and I don't feel even the slightest bit nauseous or achy or anything, becoming a Nana is a bit splendid, I just have ask how Mel is and nod in sympathetic manner when she tells me about acid reflux and gagging and being so tiiiiirrrrrrrrrred. I am careful not to tell her how much worse it gets or mention constipation or piles and stuff.
She looks very tired and rather like me when I was pregnant, appears not to be glowing or blossoming, yet. She just looks tired and young and completely oblivious to what it all means, ain't nature grand.
Bizarre that when we are pregnant, it's all about the excitement and the ideal dream, all the perfection we can muster etc. When it is someone else, maybe it's just me, all I can think of, especially when it's a first baby, is " uh oh.......you have no idea" as if it's a BAD thing to be having a baby. It so isn't is it? The whole thing from start to finish is magnificent. I find myself thinking more and more about the babies I lost. At the time I didn't have a chance to mourn them as I conceived immediately after both losses.
The first miscarriage wasn't a sad time, that baby was conceived while I was using THREE kinds of birth control so sure was I that I DID NOT WANT A BABY! Nevertheless get pregnant I did and the first one was not happy. You would think that I had done this terrible thing all on my own, just to spite him.
So, when I lost the baby it was sad for a moment as I had just begun to accept the pregnancy and it was gone. When, 10 weeks later I still hadn't had a period it was discovered that I had conceived immediately, along came Sophie, away went the first one.
The baby I lost after Isaac and before Eli was a horribly sad time. The sadness was lessened by the fact that within 2 weeks I had conceived Elijah ( I am such a loose and licentious woman, shoot me) whenever I begin to feel sad about that baby ( that I felt so sure I knew from the very first day I knew it was there) I just remind myself that had that baby carried to term I wouldn't have the Eli boy and really, life without him? Ack......he's the joy in all our lives.
I do feel that the other baby somehow became all s/he needed to be, it isn't sad that s/he didn't get to be born because I am sure that it's little spirit is right where it is meant to be.
It would be my dad's birthday tomorrow. I want to come up with something for him, I am missing him so much lately. The more time passes the harder it is to accept that he is gone. The first year was sad but we had this brave facade going on, the chin up and smile for the people thing.
It's not funny now. It's too long, too sad, enough already.....what? He's really not ever going to be here again? Well damn.
So, not sure what will come out tomorrow, might just be a load of old snot.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Stetch said...

well said, about pregnancy and mommyhood! :)

12:28 am  
Blogger no said...

Understandable that the loss is more evident later, or more real. Or felt more. Not sure how to put it, but I know what you mean.

5:53 am  

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