The to-ing and fro-ing.

So, the biggest and most frightening part of the trip to Boston ( that I am, can you tell, reluctant to let go of or stop talking about yet) was the travelling part. Flying, I hate it. I can't quite put my finger on why I hate it so, I loathe that feeling of being shut in and trapped, unable to leave, stay right there lady, we'll let you off when WE let you off. I hate that. I do.
I caught a bus to Heathrow airport on thursday and stayed the night in Nana's feather bed, which is very old...my dad was born in it, in fact he was conceived in it and it is was it was way back when.
I so want to hate the very thought of sleeping in that bed but , no kidding, it is so comfy....so I sort of slept, in between jumping awake and thinking about the flight. 5am I was up and dressed and ready, to off we went, that meant I was at the airport by 7am....my flight was at 10.55, I had much time to fill.
I was remarkably calm, for me, at an airport. I was very impressed and thought that maybe my diazepam ( shall we call it Pam, in a friendly way, because I do feel friendly towards it/her) might not be needed.
I filled time with browsing in the shops, I bought tweezers because I knew a big old black wiry hair was sure to shoot out on my chin right before I landed in Boston ( ha! foiled that bugger all right!) I bought some magazines and I was ready. As I would ever be.
I stayed calm and all sort of well travelled and would you look at ME about to jet off to Boston right up until I went into the departure lounge, where I became a shivering and quivering wreck. I was given an aisle seat so that I could escape and not feel trapped ( escape to where exactly? Who knows, I just knew it helped to know I could just get up and not have to climb over anyone)
I sat still in a my seat and wondered if I was about to die from the fear, I texted Jordan and asked myself a thousand times why I was doing this, what makes me battle my fears in such a colossal way? Other people who are afraid of life, go for a walk and tell themselves how brave they are, maybe they just stay at home and say 'what the hell?' Why then, do I feel the need to make myself do these things that terrify me so much?
After 20 minutes of such terror I decided that , look, lovely Dr gave me Pam, for just this purpose, so take one, do it.....help yourself. So I did.
Hmmmmmm, time to board, on we went, I found my seat and was relatively happy, sat down, buckled up and ........

.........I woke up when dinner was served! I slept through the taxi-ing, through the whole take off, and when dinner was served I woke up. Only I could do that I think, sleep through the entire shaking and being thrown back in your seat, the roaring of engines and gathering speed...and wake as soon as a whiff of food is in the air. I love Pam.

Coming home promised to be even better, a night flight meant that I got to take Pam AND my regular night time meds....hell I should have slept through til we landed.
I was just as afraid of the journey home, I tried not to whine about it too much but I could feel myself being quiet and worried.
I knew my bags would be too heavy but thankfully grandpa had put some money in my account and I knew that would cover the excess charges. I packed as well as I could, wonderful Cathy has some things that just wouldn't fit and is shipping them over for me, off we went to the airport.
I didn't think I would cry when I left but I did. Not sobbing old meltdowns but a definite filling up of weepy eyes. It's such a long way...we can't just pop over and see each other, we can't all just call and meet for lunch...this was it, who knows when we will be in the same place again, if ever. Who could not cry?
I had to pay $100 excess AND remove some bits and bobs from one of the cases, those checked in and I was left with a very heavy carry on, filled to bursting but luckily never weighed. I went through security, put my bags and phone etc through the X-ray machine and "Ma'am! You appear to have a large liquid container in your bag"
"Oh, no, I think I have gummy bear vitamins but no liquid"
"Ma'am, you do, a LARGE liquid container...."
"Oh..OH..it's maple syrup, my friend from Canad bought it for me and I didn't want it to break and I thought it would be safe in that bag and I wasn't thinking and I didn't think...oh I am so sorry!! Let me get it ..."
"STEP AWAY FROM THE BAG MA'AM!! do NOT touch the bag....."
How on earth do people smuggle drugs or dangerous things? How do they not sweat into a melting puddle? I was a complete wreck and it was maple syrup for heavens sake, that they kept...and let me go, phew, no lock up or 'Brits banged up abroad' episodes on my behalf.
The flight was great, less than 6 hours and I must have slept through a good bit of it ( though not dinner of course, never that!)
Arrived in London just after 6am and had to wait til 8.40am for a bus.
Hoorah, at last here we are a big old double decker bus, with tables. I got my seat and was pleased that I had a table all to myself.
For about 10 minutes. Then I was joined by a couple, in their 30's. They were obviously special needs and they sat opposite me across the table.
The man was fidgety and suddenly started to say
" I'm going to be sick, I am, I AM, I will be SICK...won't I? I really will be sick.....Can I sit with you?"
As he looked at me.
Oh my goodness, what to say? What DO you say if someone tells you over and over that they will certainly be sick and then ask if they can sit with you.
I said that maybe there were seats upstairs that were forward facing.
"Oh no, I can't do stairs, don't like stairs, can't do stairs, I don't go upstairs, I can't can I?" He said to his wife.
"No, you can't" she said and then she looked at me and said " He's disabled"
" Believe it or not" he said.
I did believe it, bless his heart.
My legs, by the time I got home were like puffy old lady ankles. So swollen I could hardly stop staring at them.
Jet lag has been a killer but I think on top of that is a sadness, such an empty sort of sadness because it's over, we have had months of preparing and getting ready with such anticipation and now it's done.
While I was away, I was so overwhelmed with love for H, who was so incredibly supportive, so excited for me, so uncomplaining and gentle about the whole trip and here I was, in HIS home country, doing all the things he loves, everywhere we went I imagined how he would love it, I chose food he would enjoy to eat, I made myself remember tiny details to tell him and I knew that I would probably never do this again.
I wish I could explain why I don't think I will, not on my own anyway, I think it's because it was such a treat, such a huge deal for us, we don't have the means to up and away like that too often, to do something of this scale means something else has to go, once is OK, now I have to do things that we need as a family. This house needs work, my car is maybe not going to last too long, there are many things that we can do with our money that will benefit our whole family.
We never know what the future will bring and perhaps it will be possible, I do know that for now I have to work on this house. I look forward to doing it too.
I have slept an incredible amount since I got home, really almost embarassingly long stretches of sleep, short periods of wakefulness and more sleep. I thought it was jet lag and I am sure much of it is....but I think it's sadness mixed in as well.
The boys, can you believe have yet another stomach bug, puking and crying..this time it seems to be a 24 hour thing, Isaac's turn tonight, Seths was yesterday and Eli the day before. I hope that's that. We have scrubbed and cleaned and shampooed the carpets and whoops...here we go again. Ack. Stinks.
I babysat for the big old chunky Joshua tonight, such a big boy already. When H has reloaded my photo shop programme I will download some pictures I took , he is spendid indeed.
I think I have written all I need to write about Boston, that really makes it over. Sad that is.