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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Monday, November 17, 2008

I do.

I had an interview this week, in fact receive a recommend to entitle me to visit and attend the Temple. Anyone is able and welcome to attend our church, we love new enter the temple though you must be a full member of the church and hold a current temple recommend.
The interviews are quick, a few questions to make sure that you are living in a way that is in keeping with entering a sacred and holy place. Of course, I image that should you be a member of the church and want to go to the temple, you could lie and answer the questions the way you know they should be answered, it's easy enough to know what the 'right'answers are.
The thing is, there is a feeling in the room, an incredible, emotional, spiritual feeling that is impossible to ignore. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly sit and lie in the face of the good men asking the questions.
I sat in a little office and I listened to the questions and I was so overwhelmed by the simplicity, the beautiful simplicity of these questions and I was so thrilled that I was able to answer 'I do' to them.
Do I believe in the Atonement of Christ? Yes, I do, without reservation. I know He lives, I know He was here and such was His love for me that He gave his life, he endured unimaginable pain to ensure that I can return to my Heavenly Father.
Do I sustain the leaders of the Church? Yes I do, I know that these are good men, Godly men, men who live their lives with integrity, you only need to be in the same room to know that these men are doing what the Lord would have them do.
Do I strive to live my life and keep the covenants I have made? Yes I do, many many times I fail and I just get back up and try to get it right. I love that we are not expected to be perfect, I am just expected to try.

I know that I appear to be flippant, that I make light of so much in this life. It's my protection.
I don't show the real me often enough, I think I have hidden behind my laugh a minute exterior for so long I forget that sometimes, often, it is OK to be gentle and real, to be emotional and spiritual. It's there and it's very real...ask me and I'll show you. I truly believe that when I allow the spirit to guide me I am a better person, I know that if I shared with you the beliefs I have, you will feel it too. The thing is, when I talk about the love I have for the Lord, for my saviour Jesus Christ, I cry. Always, it is impossible for me to speak about the strength of my faith without being overwhelmed..sometimes I can't let that happen because I am so emotional about so many things, it's that old worry of thinking if I start to cry about one thing, even such a great and happy thing as my love for Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ, well I may not be able to stop and before you know it, you'll be staring at a puddle of complete nonsensical weeping. Shut it in, block it out.
I am aware that for some reason ( and I honestly don't know what that is) I am smack bang in the middle of another slump. I wake up sad, I wake up holding my breath, I think I am waiting for some catastrophe that isn't even coming ( I hope!)
The past 2 weeks have been so tough to stick with the healthy living. I have done it and I am so pleased that I have but it has been soooooooo hard. Eating has been a way of comforting myself for way too long. It is automatic to me, to reach for food when I feel sad or worried. I am not going to give in to that anymore. I am breaking the habit ( if it kills me!) I am going to start doing the opposite when I want to cram the food in to dull the pain. This house is going to be a sparkling palace...instead of eating I am going to clean something, wash something, move something, change something. Do anything to keep myself from falling back into that miserable trap because it feels good to be in control. I love feeling my clothes get looser.....I'm not giving that up!
Gah...look at that! I started to write a lovely blog about how good it felt to have that interview, I was going to say how great it was to have this wonderful man tell me what a great family we have, how he can see how H loves me and my children and look at that....whining and griping about depression.
Funny how, having spoken to H before me, the lovely man who was talking to me, told me how happy H was, how he loved me and our can bet I had a word with H about that, H's reply ..." Oh come on, you know you love a man who tells you how much your husband loves you" whilst looking relieved that someone else had done all that ahem, you know, emotional stuff.
I know H loves me, he shows me every day but sometimes, just every now and then, how wonderful it would be to be romanced, surprised...swept off my feet for just a moment.
Oh well, I shall have to make do with a wonderful dad, kind and patient husband who not only agrees to let me swan off to his own country leaving him behind..but positively encourages it. tough life isn't it?
I have a confession to make......I rather like those Wii do-dads...Jordan has one and the boys love it but I..yes ME, I love the look of the music machine game and the Wii fit sounds like a blast ( but pretty sure I would lose interest in that quick enough!)
Also....we are close to having an allotment! Heh! Can you picture that? Me in wellies digging for Britain, planting cabbages and carrots? Organic home grown vegetables. Actually we are most likely going to share my sisters with her. We shall help with the digging and share in the spoils. I have to find something that gets me moving that seems to have a purpose, I just can't seem to make myself walk here and there and run on the spot.
A you think that how you feel affects the amount of weight you lose? I ask because even though I am sticking with the diet, I don't feel the same, I swear I am gaining weight ( can't weight myself so it's just a feeling) I feel that horrible miserable loathing and I hate it.
I am not cheating, although I really want to, I am doing what I need to do but I am not enjoying it, it doesn't feel good right now, it just feels miserable.
I hope it doesn't affect the outcome because hell, if it isn't twice the effort when I don't feel all gung ho about it all. I just feel like my misery is clinging to the fat, it's holding onto everything that it brings with it, everything that helps it grow..and the fat is misery's best friend. I swear I can hear my misery laughing and saying " don't go you ugly fat, I need you to make her feel worse ....and worse, don't let her feel good!"
I am disheartened that this is going to take so long, that the results are so slow, so unshocking and minuscule. What giving up would do is nothing though, just make me feel more's just a damned frustrating place to be right now.
I made a batch of vegetable soup yesterday, delicious, however, I put red cabbage in it, it has dyed the whole soup purple, I can't tell you how bizarre it is to eat purple soup. It's Bizarre.
Not as bizarre though, as the bush tucker trial which just happens to be on right now. Oh my goodness, why am I laughing so hard as I watch these people try and chew, then swallow, scorpions, crocodile eyes.......oh my, the gagging and the running on the spot, the watery eyes, the drool.....nothing on earth would make me do that. Why do these people ( not celebrities, really, a few people I know from years ago and then footballers girlfriends? I think not!) why do they do this show? I know that there is a minuscule chance that they might revive a flagging career but for heavens sake...the things they are made to do are just incredible!
Is it an English only show?I'm a celebrity get me out of here? Is it a world wide show like Big Brother? It is entertaining, even if you have no idea who these people are, they deserve to be on TV for a few weeks!
Now they are eating crickets and cockroaches! Heh! Silkworms and witchetty grubs...alive of course! Whoops..gagged right along with him that time..oh my dear, urppppppp! Oh look, dessert is a crocodile penis ( and scrotum) and Kangaroo scrotum. Yum. They have to chew at least 5 times. Insane I tell you.
I love a good reality show. I wonder if a show of my life would be a best seller? I don't think people would believe it somehow! Would someone like to write that screen play? I wrote my letter of disagreement to the benefits people today, I was impressed with myself and thought if there was a job out there that involved writing impressive letters, I should go after that one! Now I sit and wait to see whether they will make a snap decision and revoke the stupid doctors decision or if I have to go once again to tribunal....ho hum.
Screen play anyone?



Blogger sarah said...

I think your weight is affected by your mood. i am dealing with that issue right now and self sabotage. I am actually getting ready to post now on that. Your post says alot about what i am feeling. You will love the wii fit. I do. I thought i would loose intrest quick but i actually love it. the boxing is a great work out.

12:22 am  
Blogger Cathy said...

Slumps are no fun. Just keep your eye at the light at the end of the tunnel. That light is leading you to Boston. You will cure my slump and yours! I promise.
You are doing an amazing job on eating healthy. I told you before and I will keep telling you that you were my inspiration to do something about my out of control eating.
I think they should rename Jenny Craig to Helen Wood! "How did you lose the weight Cathy?" they asked. "Oh I did the Helen Wood diet" Can I be your spokesperson and do the first commercial?
Love you!

1:05 am  

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