Sometimes...

It's just a matter of giving yourself a good talking to.
It seems to have worked. That and getting a rowing machine from freecycle...oh my goodness, I may well have found an exercise I can do that actually works!
Small and sweet, 2 short bursts on the rowing machine and I feel splendidly sore, wobbly legged and tight backed.
My fridge has grapes, melon, salad, water. For dinner we had tortilla wraps with turkey, fresh veggies and some hoisin sauce.....delicious.
I do believe I have managed to boost myself along for another stint of doing myself good.
I am planning major rewards along the way too. I am absolutely going to have a new ring when I have lovely slender fingers again. And...when I am right where I want to be, when I wake up in the morning and can look at myself and feel content....I am going somewhere. You wait and see!
I haven't been there before but I am going when I am all done. Yes I am.
I am reluctant to admit that after going on the rowing machine, I did have a period of feeling I wanted to do more..imagine that. I resisted though because I am sore and I don't want to be so sore tomorrow that I can't use the rower at all.
I have friends coming around tomorrow, we are sure to just have fun and watch a DVD but I suspect we may get the rowing machine out and have stupid competitions to see who can do the most, very funny how you start off thinking how easy it is, then oh, um...bit hard, ouch tough this...so a group of women trying to out do each other should be fun!
I am so relieved that I am somehow sticking with this new life, that all the old miseries are not winning, the pull to sabotage all the good work is weaker than the desire to beat it and be better.
I look at the fact that I have 6 children, 3 still at home and looking at me for an example and I have papers with descriptions of me written on them saying I am blank faced and robotic...if strangers are seeing this kind of thing, what to my children see? What will they remember when they are adults? I do not want them to always remember me struggling, or sad. I have so few pictures of me with my children because I have hated myself for so long. I want to remedy that and I will, I am so determined not to let myself ever be as sad as I was.
The cycle is so terrifying though, feel miserable, eat rubbish, gain weight, loathe myself, eat more, disgust myself, eat more, give in.
If I can just get through each time when I feel so close to slipping backwards, I hope that the times when that awful miserable feeling descend will get fewer and further between. I hope that at some stage, I can leave all those worthless feelings behind me for good. I don't see why that can't happen. For the first time that I can ever remember I feel almost angry, the years that have been wasted on being so sad, the opportunities I have missed because I was afraid or sad or just numb, I don't want to waste anymore time, miss any more chances, enough is enough. I am angry at everything life throws at me that threatens to shove me back into that miserable pit I spent so many years in. I wonder how some people manage to flit through life without really ever having to deal with huge sadness, few trials, little worry. I don't envy those people and actually I can't even say that I would swap places, or not have experienced any of the things I have been through, I am who I am, I am where I am. I would rather not have any more enormous hurdles to cross though ( you know, in case the angels are reading my blog ... I like normal, boring is great....move right along trials and tribulations all.)
They say money is a trial... I will take that one, just to see if I can get through it admirably, I believe I would be kind and generous and am sure I would use it to the good, be wise and entertain strangers. Just saying, you know, in case.
So, I shall continue to talk to myself, keep whining and replying and telling myself how marvellous I am....and it will keep working. It will.