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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Maybe tomorrow....probably not.

I had such plans for my blog today, I was going to do a double post, one for Sophie because she is 20 today and one for my dad, because he died 3 years ago today.
I can't do it though, not today, I find I am so emotional that words fail me. I forgot about my dad at first and Sophie was the center of our attention, which is exactly how it should be and at 11am I remembered my dad and then I spent all day remembering.
I feel so bad that I can ever forget and it feels so disloyal to be living and forgetting.
I know that he would only ever want us to be happy and it is testament to him and my mum that we are all so able to enjoy our lives.
Today seems harder than the other anniversaries and I have no idea why, sometimes we should perhaps not reason why and just accept that these things are what they are.
I have been thinking about my blog a lot too, I think I am bored with it. I think it may have served it's purpose and the time may be coming where I put it away and let it go. More and more I find I am trying to think about what would be entertaining and that's a load of crap really isn't it?
I know people read it because I check the google stat thing, I like thinking of people reading and the whole point of writing was to get what I feel out and share it with people to make myself feel better.
Now though, I see who is reading and I really feel annoyed.
I see EXACTLY who reads my blog and to be truthful, I don't like what I see.
I find I change what I want to write, I stop myself saying what I want to say, I censor and debate with myself. It's not fun here anymore.
Maybe I have changed. I know I have changed, I started this blog years ago when I needed get out the darkest and saddest things, as time has passed I have left so much behind me, the blog became almost a social thing, meeting people and reading their blogs, learning about new people. That's all over now too, maybe this blog has served it's purpose, I do find more and more that I force myself to write here, it used to be that whatever I did in my day, I would think about how I would describe it here, it has been better than therapy for me, if anything was sad or tough, thinking of how I would write about it, what parts I would share, how I would describe how I felt etc, well that almost made it impersonal, easy to deal with, second hand, not raw and painful.
I swear that anyone with any kind of issues should write a blog.
Now though, I have changed, I feel less need to seperate myself from what I am living. Writing here is a way to entertain, I find myself dragging the bottom of the barrel in order to find anything worth saying....which is all far too much like hard work for no reward for my liking.
How weird that I came here to say I had nothing to say and without thinking about it, worked out that really, I have lots to say, I just don't really want to say it here anymore.
It's a little strange to admit that actually nothing online is as exciting or necessary to me at the moment.
I love being in touch with my friends and the internet is the only way to do that, the thing is most all of my friends are so far away, a 7 hour flight is the shortest way to be with them and it just isn't practical to even pretend that is possible. I did it twice last year and enjoyed every second, I met some beautiful people, I had more fun than I can explain. It's just that I am a wife, mother of 6, a grandma, my life is here and leaving it all behind purely to please myself is absurd. So more and more I feel as though I need to change what I do, that I need to put more of who I am and what I have to give to my family, to people who need me. Time is so precious and I waste so much of it in unproductive pursuits.
I don't think for a moment that any time I have spent online until now has been wasted, the support and friendships that have come my way because of this little box are priceless, I wouldn't be without them for the world. I just think that now, from here, things need to change. I want to feel as though I am making a difference and doing good and lately I don't feel that.
I might just need a break, maybe I will write a blog that is just for me on a daily basis and sometimes, when there is something worth sharing, I'll come here and share it.
I have so much to do, I am going to give myself time to do it and then, when I am satisfied that I am tackling real life, tangible goals, I can come back.
I just know that at the moment I feel disgruntled with the internet and it's not the poor internets fault, I love the internet, it gave me H, marvellous internet. I shall give it a break and give me a break, indulge in real life and touchable things and then I hope I will come back and play with my imaginary friends again.
I love you my imaginary friends.

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14 Comments:

Blogger sarah said...

i am sorry to see you taking a break. i love your blog. i look foward to reading it.

Sorry for the loss of your dad. I understand the hurt.

Happy birthday sophie..

thank you for sharing...you had me laughing and crying and cheering for you as i have read.. hugs helen

12:39 am  
Blogger Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

and we love you and shall be waiting for you for those times you need to come back and touch base.

HUGS

12:41 am  
Blogger Sara said...

And your imaginary friends love you too... I will still look to see if you have anything to say here and, selfishly, I hope that you do. I love reading of your family antics especially as they are narrated in your voice.

xoxo -sara

12:44 am  
Blogger Cathy said...

I can feel the pain and sadness of losing your father. I am so sorry you are hurting. I know you don't like the cyber hugs but if I could reach thru the screen and give you one, I would. Heck, I would even get on a plane and fly 7 hours to hug you!

I have been guilty of reading your blog (as I'm sure you can tell cause you track it) and not commenting. I love being able to connect and see how your day has been. You will be truly missed.

I love you..

1:51 am  
Blogger Tired Mom of Six said...

I love you, Helen. And while it would be a big fat lie to say that I don't mind you not blogging, I understand your reasons for taking a break.

Sending you love and REAL hugs, my friend. Losing a parent is hard and while life goes on, the sadness can certainly creep up and get you when you least expect it.

3:29 am  
Blogger Jenn said...

I understand.

Life is short (as is my comment)

I'll still miss the blog though.

Love you.

7:36 am  
Blogger justLacey said...

I never realized it before, but Sara is right. I do read them in your voice. How about that?

10:00 am  
Blogger Kissedaprincegotafrog said...

Only discovered your blog (I think, via Dad Gone Mad but can't be sure) a few days ago and have started reading your archives and now I find that you may be going to stop. Well, I'm really pleased for you but sad for me because I think you're great and that your parenting is ace. It sounds like you had really good role models but I'm sorry you lost your father.

2:38 pm  
Blogger Julie Q said...

I shall check in from time to time.

I shall miss your blog too, but I understand as well.

Take care!

4:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I shall miss you too Helen. You have made me laugh and cry in equal measure. I am so sorry about your dad, I am close to my mum and can't imagine what I would do if I lost her. Enjoy your break but please hurry back. Love Kaje xx

5:35 pm  
Blogger Rachel said...

I'm so sorry you're taking a break, but I understand. I hope you still write some because you have so very much to give. Plus this is the first time in a long time that I've been able to look at your blog without feeling voyeuristic. :)

4:09 am  
Anonymous Di said...

Nooooo. I love the way you write, I'll miss reading you. :(

6:26 am  
Blogger Karen said...

I understand needing to take a break, but I hope you can find the time to come back once and a while to let us in on how you are doing! I'll really miss hearing about all that is going on with you.

9:39 am  
Blogger LosingSanity said...

I will miss reading your blog. I check in all the time, though don't always comment (usually busy with homework and such) but I always love to read what you have to say and you have definitely been an inspiration and a role model!

9:43 pm  

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