God bless you, every one.

This will be one of those entries that just kind of come out as they will...I know what I WANT to say, I certainly know what I feel but am not entirely sure how I am going to put it down.
Parenting. Toughest job in the world to do well. It's the longest lasting job and there is never a gold watch at the end because it DOESN'T end!
I have to say that my journey as a mother has been a rollercoaster, from the minute I clapped eyes on my wrinkly old man baby Dan on August 25th 1985 and understood completely what love was all about.
Every battle with my loud mouthed, opinionated, impossible only daughter, leaves me feeling as though I have been on the fastest most terrifying ride at the fair. I scarcely have time to gather strength in between bouts with this woman child.
Jordan is my mystery boy, keeps himself to himself, works hard, says he loves me and never behaves in any way to make me doubt that.
Seth, my mini professor, I fear that there will be battles with this little brain box later too as he is already pretty sure that we are all somewhat inferior to him and that I, especially, leave much to be desired when it comes to knowing anything, not quite five and already master of his own mind ( and trying to be master of mine!!)
Isaac, Darling Isaac, who yesterday was diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, a name for all his eccentricities and obsessions.....nothing has changed with a label, just the amount of help we will get to ensure he grows well and happy.
Elijah Henry, always fitting to use his full name as he commands such attention. Nearly 2 my baby boy and just divine and naughty and snuggly and so bloody cute I could eat him on a biscuit.
None of us know what the future will bring for our children and I wish more parents understood that their role in life is to give life to their children and teach them to be strong, honourable, true to themselves and then allow them to choose how THEY will ive their lives.
I had no idea what motherhood would bring and thank the Lord for that I say! So much of my experience so far has been flying by the seat of my pants and hoping for the best. what I can say though is that I simply cannot imagine abandoning a child of mine, rejecting him or her because I don't agree with, dislike or even just not understand any choices or way of life they take as they grow.
Part of being a mother is accepting that if you have taught your children well, given them strength and courage, allowed them the chance to think and understand for themselves, at some stage they will think and understand and then act on the things they know about themselves.
I don't say for a moment that I expect to be thrilled with the paths my children take at all times. I don't understand Dan's life at all, I have wept and struggled with coming to terms with my boy being gay. Not because he is gay particularly, but more to do with the fact that my ideas and MY hopes for him have died. Tough luck mummy, get over it. Who knows what may have come if Dan was straight? Who knows what I will have to stand back and watch with Jordan or Sophie. It is not my childrens' job to make me happy, not their job to choose to live their lives to please me. Hard fact to learn when of course we would love that to be the case isn't it?
How extraordinary then that it is becoming more and more evident that actually they ARE making me happy!
I have been reading more and more sad stories of parents who turn their backs on their children because they are gay.....sad, sad, sad...what is it that can make a parent do this? Fear I suspect, ignorance I am sure, pride perhaps?
Having watched from the sidelines while Daniel battled with the knowledge that he was gay, having witnessed and been so powerless to step in and take away this torture and fear, I am heartbroken that their are mothers who can add to that pain and increase that misery and fear by fulfilling the worst part of the worry and being angry, judging and becoming anger filled because their child isn't what they planned, won't be what they wanted, can't do what they hoped.
It is the same as if they choose to be an artist instead of the doctor you thought they should be, if they decide that being on stage is far better for them than studying at university.
How many mothers are missing out on watching and discovering what heights their children can reach if they are supported and loved and praised for making a choice and sticking with it, being the best at whatever they are and grabbing every moment of glory. ( but, fate fairies, if you are reading, please don't let Sophie choose to be a pole dancer because that one would be hard to come to terms with, although something tells me with her body she would make a fortune, lets just not even think of going that way!!)
I would never have imagined either of my sons would work in restaurants or behind a bar...me the teetotal mormon girl!! But they are so GOOD at what they do, so praised and enjoyed and rewarded by their bosses and customers alike. Both hugely successful at very young ages and they chose it and work at it and enjoy it.
I talk about mothers because I am one, I can't begin to understand or imagine a fathers feelings so won't even try but I know what it is to be a mother.......it is by far the most difficult thing to come to term with your childs sexuality, imagine your parents having sex and then mutliply that ARGH!!! factor by about 100 and you can get a glimpse of the weirdness of imagining your child knowing about sex....don't even try to imagine them HAVING sex because your head might explode. Add to that the fact that your child is gay and you may as well just call the funny farm because it sooooo way out there you're just never going to get your head around it, don't even try!
What I can't understand is how a mother can take that one aspect of a childs life and allow it to mean so much they reject the whole child, the soul that grew under her heart and just throw it out?! Daniel is gay, he is in love with another man and that freaked me out because I didn't understand it. Big deal, not my place to understand it, it's my place to love him. I am totally thrown when I see Dan and Shawn together because Dan is so masculine, he is 6' 3", deep voice, strong body, nothing about him suggests he is gay..Shawn is his total opposite, small, feminine, slightly squeaky voice, wears make up, walks with the bum cheek thing, has manicures and weekly beauty regimes.....more girlie than a girl would be I suspect, do I understand the attraction? Not a bit! Does that matter? Not a bit ! Is Daniel happy? Absolutely, he gets to be the tough one having been the gentle one all his life. I see cards and sweet tokens of love and affection in his flat, I see his face light up when he gets a call if he is down here and Shawn is at home.
What would I be missing if I had turned my boy away ? I wouldn't see that at 19 he is manager of a great restaurant. Would have missed the phone call to tell me that he had passed top in a recruitment for the special constabulary, wouldn't have had the phone calls when he was worried last month about the move to his new flat, and I wouldn't have heard him tell me that I am the only person in the world he can call and know that just hearing my voice makes him feel better. I wouldn't have heard him say that no matter how old he gets or wherever he lives he will always need me.

Dear Lord, what are these other mothers losing by turning away in fear? Even with an inbuilt and undeniable faith, even with lifelong christian morals that may tell any one of us that homosexuality is wrong, that STILL isn't a reason to turn away a child because they are gay, we have only the right to make decisions for ourselves, we can teach our children what WE think is right but just as we have the right and duty to live as we feel is right in order to feel we are at peace with ourselves, so do our children.
These children are the same ones we bathed, same ones we melted at when we saw that first wobbly smile, same ones who made us crayon mothers day cards, who made us proud with A report cards ( actually that's NOT true, mine never did that so that bit was just for poetic value!!) They don't become different people or monsters because they love differently than we do.
Our children are loaned to us to love, nurture, support, teach and cherish. I am eternally grateful that I am able to do that for my children. For all those mothers out there who can't do that, my heart weeps for you. For all those children who have, and are, suffering because being who you are is just too much for your mothers to deal with...God bless you, everyone.