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Mama used to say......
When we were growing up my mum always said "don't do anything you wouldn't want me to see" there was also an unspoken rule that should be do something that she found out about, well then we had to face whatever came our way.
Pretty good rule from a parents point of view. If you have children that care what you think, or even think about what you think, I suspect that would make you a very happy parent, a safe and trusting parent.
I think my parents were safe and trusting of me, I remember when I was 20, in fact it was my 20th birthday and my beloved had returned from the Falklands war and he loved me and I adored him and well, I was going to give my virtuous self to him, I certainly was. Yes, indeedy.
We met up with my mum and dad for an hour or two and spent a lovely sunny afternoon on the barbican, as we left, to find his new car, the pink Capri that was bought with his money from fighting the war and was his pride and joy, as we left,to go back to the empty house that I lived in as a nanny, my mum, God love her, said " Bye bye, Happy birthday Helen, be good"
OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!!!
Why? WHY did she say that? 2 words that threw cold water on my determination to be as one with the dark haired navy man, hero of my heart. I swear her face was right in between us that whole day, and Gary drove off into the sunset leaving my honour behind, with a frustrated, but obedient, me.
I didn't do anything I wouldn't want her to see.
I don't think my children hold me in the same kind of regard, that sort of revered saintly honour, that we held our mother, still hold her actually, although she knows we have sex now because we have children that give the game away. she is lucky though, because she can tell herself that we conceived them very properly and without enjoyment or nudity and stuff.
Actually, why do I say I don't think they revere me the same way. I KNOW they dont. They love me and respect me in a sort of 'todays teenager' kind of way. You know that " bless her she's a bit dim and doesn't understand anything but we love her anyway", kind of way.
Jordan loves me. He is my friend and is respectful of my feelings. He always comes to find me when he gets home and shares with me the thingshe thinks I should know about his day. Made up sometimes, to cover over the things I shouldn't know about his day because he is a bit naughty, I think. Law abiding, but far from goody goody this boy of mine. Apt to drop his trousers in public a little too often I'm told. that sort of high jinx. He gets it from his father.
I don't sleep well, in fact I sleep very badly and very little, so when J gets home from work, or a nightclub, he comes to find me, in the sitting room and he chats for a while and then goes to his room to fall asleep watching his DVD player which is always still booming when we wake up in the morning, so I turn it off.
Last night, I heard him come home about 2am and I waited for him to come and say goodnight. He didn't. I heard him go upstairs and come down, I heard him shut his door. Oh well, I thought..never mind.
Then my paranoid voice began. "what if that WASN'T Jordan? What if it is a burglar, what if somene just came and took one of my babies, what if a weirdo is walking around my house?"
30 minutes of working myself into a frenzy ( turns out I wasn't the ony one) and I knew that I wouldn't relax until I had seen for myself that it was Jordan and not a hooded intruder. I walked through the kitchen and got to Jordan's room, knocked ( because I am a good and thoughtful mother, respect privacy and all that) saw the light under the door and thought " oh,it's OK he's home,I shall go in and say goodnight"
That,people, is the moment when someone hit the go slow button. I opened the door and dear life, why did I do it? Why didn't my arms fall off? Why couldn't my legs have twitched so violently that they spasmed me in the opposite direction?
I felt as though my eyeballs would melt, my brain froze and my heart flip flopped until it was in my very dry mouth, because there, in front of me, in the harsh light of the 4 spots he has, was my naked son, with someone underneath him.And they weren't playing tiddley winks.
" Oh.OH. sorry" Door slam.
I swore a bit then,( you know, whispered shit shit shit, for what felt like 3 hours but was actually about 20 seconds, while I wondered to do. WHAT DO YOU DO???? Couldn't just creep away, I knew he was even more horrified than me because I saw his face as well as his bum.
I have relived that moment and have replayed that picture in my invaded head all day. I want it to go- and in it's place for there to be pictures of little lambs frolicking in a field, not my son frolicking bollock naked in MY HOUSE.
Here's where I almost take my hat of to the youth of today because, truly, they are so hard faced and so bloody sure that they are entitled to do exactly as they please that any shred of moral fibre or shame has vanished. Jordan wanted to talk last night, got as far as to tell me that he is nearly 19 and old enough to do.......you get the picture.
Now, if ( and this is so hypothetical as to be almost impossible for me to imagine) IF I had been in this position, if someone's parent had walked in on me at such a moment, I would have jumped up and been out of that house in 20 seconds. I would have been so consumed with shame that I would never have been able to return, ever. If it had been MY parent, well.......oh I am in a cold sweat at the very idea.
Jordan was embarrassed and maybe he is MORE embarrassed today, who knows? the girl? Sophie's friend? She stayed the night, in Jordan's room, even after I told her not to, she was comatose on his floor when I had to go through to get to the car ( and can you imagine how LOUDLY I knocked and how LONG I waited before I went in???) her clothes were not on her, they were on the floor as well, but a long way away from her body.
Now I have to decide what to do, I can see the very funny side of this and the warped side of me wants to make him cringe for weeks. I also feel such a sense of outrage at the brazen lack any sign that he cares about what I think. He knows what I expect in this house, yet still he has yet again done exactly as he pleases. This is not a loved girlfriend, she is his sister's friend and has been the brunt of many a joke.( she is almost as tall as Jordan and every bit as skinny, if I think about it, they were a veritable fire hazard with those gangly thin lmbs and the friction and all, oh no, please stop me picturing it, PLEASE.) She, I am told, can't remember if anything happened last night. I shall be able to fill her in on the details when I see her.
Why don't these young people care about themselves more? Where did they learn that such a powerful thing as sex is worth nothing? that their bodies are of so little value that they can give it away without even really being aware of what they are doing? That they are of such little worth that they are afraid to say no?
And how did it happen IN MY HOUSE?? ACK ACK ACK!!!
Pretty good rule from a parents point of view. If you have children that care what you think, or even think about what you think, I suspect that would make you a very happy parent, a safe and trusting parent.
I think my parents were safe and trusting of me, I remember when I was 20, in fact it was my 20th birthday and my beloved had returned from the Falklands war and he loved me and I adored him and well, I was going to give my virtuous self to him, I certainly was. Yes, indeedy.
We met up with my mum and dad for an hour or two and spent a lovely sunny afternoon on the barbican, as we left, to find his new car, the pink Capri that was bought with his money from fighting the war and was his pride and joy, as we left,to go back to the empty house that I lived in as a nanny, my mum, God love her, said " Bye bye, Happy birthday Helen, be good"
OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!!!
Why? WHY did she say that? 2 words that threw cold water on my determination to be as one with the dark haired navy man, hero of my heart. I swear her face was right in between us that whole day, and Gary drove off into the sunset leaving my honour behind, with a frustrated, but obedient, me.
I didn't do anything I wouldn't want her to see.
I don't think my children hold me in the same kind of regard, that sort of revered saintly honour, that we held our mother, still hold her actually, although she knows we have sex now because we have children that give the game away. she is lucky though, because she can tell herself that we conceived them very properly and without enjoyment or nudity and stuff.
Actually, why do I say I don't think they revere me the same way. I KNOW they dont. They love me and respect me in a sort of 'todays teenager' kind of way. You know that " bless her she's a bit dim and doesn't understand anything but we love her anyway", kind of way.
Jordan loves me. He is my friend and is respectful of my feelings. He always comes to find me when he gets home and shares with me the thingshe thinks I should know about his day. Made up sometimes, to cover over the things I shouldn't know about his day because he is a bit naughty, I think. Law abiding, but far from goody goody this boy of mine. Apt to drop his trousers in public a little too often I'm told. that sort of high jinx. He gets it from his father.
I don't sleep well, in fact I sleep very badly and very little, so when J gets home from work, or a nightclub, he comes to find me, in the sitting room and he chats for a while and then goes to his room to fall asleep watching his DVD player which is always still booming when we wake up in the morning, so I turn it off.
Last night, I heard him come home about 2am and I waited for him to come and say goodnight. He didn't. I heard him go upstairs and come down, I heard him shut his door. Oh well, I thought..never mind.
Then my paranoid voice began. "what if that WASN'T Jordan? What if it is a burglar, what if somene just came and took one of my babies, what if a weirdo is walking around my house?"
30 minutes of working myself into a frenzy ( turns out I wasn't the ony one) and I knew that I wouldn't relax until I had seen for myself that it was Jordan and not a hooded intruder. I walked through the kitchen and got to Jordan's room, knocked ( because I am a good and thoughtful mother, respect privacy and all that) saw the light under the door and thought " oh,it's OK he's home,I shall go in and say goodnight"
That,people, is the moment when someone hit the go slow button. I opened the door and dear life, why did I do it? Why didn't my arms fall off? Why couldn't my legs have twitched so violently that they spasmed me in the opposite direction?
I felt as though my eyeballs would melt, my brain froze and my heart flip flopped until it was in my very dry mouth, because there, in front of me, in the harsh light of the 4 spots he has, was my naked son, with someone underneath him.And they weren't playing tiddley winks.
" Oh.OH. sorry" Door slam.
I swore a bit then,( you know, whispered shit shit shit, for what felt like 3 hours but was actually about 20 seconds, while I wondered to do. WHAT DO YOU DO???? Couldn't just creep away, I knew he was even more horrified than me because I saw his face as well as his bum.
I have relived that moment and have replayed that picture in my invaded head all day. I want it to go- and in it's place for there to be pictures of little lambs frolicking in a field, not my son frolicking bollock naked in MY HOUSE.
Here's where I almost take my hat of to the youth of today because, truly, they are so hard faced and so bloody sure that they are entitled to do exactly as they please that any shred of moral fibre or shame has vanished. Jordan wanted to talk last night, got as far as to tell me that he is nearly 19 and old enough to do.......you get the picture.
Now, if ( and this is so hypothetical as to be almost impossible for me to imagine) IF I had been in this position, if someone's parent had walked in on me at such a moment, I would have jumped up and been out of that house in 20 seconds. I would have been so consumed with shame that I would never have been able to return, ever. If it had been MY parent, well.......oh I am in a cold sweat at the very idea.
Jordan was embarrassed and maybe he is MORE embarrassed today, who knows? the girl? Sophie's friend? She stayed the night, in Jordan's room, even after I told her not to, she was comatose on his floor when I had to go through to get to the car ( and can you imagine how LOUDLY I knocked and how LONG I waited before I went in???) her clothes were not on her, they were on the floor as well, but a long way away from her body.
Now I have to decide what to do, I can see the very funny side of this and the warped side of me wants to make him cringe for weeks. I also feel such a sense of outrage at the brazen lack any sign that he cares about what I think. He knows what I expect in this house, yet still he has yet again done exactly as he pleases. This is not a loved girlfriend, she is his sister's friend and has been the brunt of many a joke.( she is almost as tall as Jordan and every bit as skinny, if I think about it, they were a veritable fire hazard with those gangly thin lmbs and the friction and all, oh no, please stop me picturing it, PLEASE.) She, I am told, can't remember if anything happened last night. I shall be able to fill her in on the details when I see her.
Why don't these young people care about themselves more? Where did they learn that such a powerful thing as sex is worth nothing? that their bodies are of so little value that they can give it away without even really being aware of what they are doing? That they are of such little worth that they are afraid to say no?
And how did it happen IN MY HOUSE?? ACK ACK ACK!!!
posted by The other me | 2:33 pm
10 Comments:
You are right Helen. When (and hopefully far far far away from me!) my kids do make love, it will be with someone they deeply and truly love.
(((HUGS)))
Oh dear, even though I'd heard the story earlier, and knew the outcome, I was gripping my seat in anticipation of what was next. Yes, you told the entire sordid tale in such a way, that I laughed - only because had I been you, I probably would have had the same reaction, and been equally mortified, and because you wrote it in such an honestly hilarious way. I am truly sorry that your eyes have forever been burned to the very retinas with that image. (((hugs))). There isn't much I can really say is there? ouch.
Oh, i don't even want to think about ever having to be in that position.
Sorry that you will be stuck with that image burned into your head forever. KIDS!!!!
Oh....my....goodness!!
How you managed to witness that and then write it with such hunour is beyond me!!!
Maybe threaten to put a baby monitor in his room so that you can make sure he is respecting you at ALL times from now on.
wow. I am so sorry Helen.
~LIsa~
That is a sight no mother should have to see, but with no boundaries to whom he has in is room and no time restrictions can it really be that unexpected? Seems the girl was too out of it with drugs and/or liquor to stop it, or react when you entered, so your son took advantage of both of you to do what he wanted without a thought of anyone else.
How extraordinary, Anonymous ( what a suprise) that you say there are no restrictions...and you know this...how? He does have restrictions on who he has in his room, very strict ones having let himself, and me, down in May. The time restrictions aren't there because he is 18 and he works until 1am very often.
He certainly DID take advantage of that girl and I hope they have both learned a valuable lesson from it, rest assured this hasn't gone unmentioned. He is sure never to repeat this again in this house anyway.
As for the girl, I am very sad for her.....a lesson too many people never seem to learn is that it's always a good idea to know what you are doing.
I just re-read the anon comment which actually makes it sound as if Jordan did something to the girl without her consent,( too out of it to stop it/ react) that is very VERY far from the truth, she KNEW what she was doing and is aware of what they did. She is embarrassed and I would imagine sad, but Jordan, although stupid, did not do anything illegal or abusive.
What difference would it make to you to know my name? I don't have a blog. I only knew about blogs from work where someone was fired for having one. That got me curious and that is how I found yours probably close to a year ago. You don't know me, and I only know what you have written.
I didn't intend to imply that your son did something illegal, abusive, or otherwise, just that he took advantage of the situation when he knew his sister's friend was not making clear decisions.
You wrote a few months back that your son had 18 kids in his room at 3:00 in the morning. When someone questioned that you followed up with a blog entry about teenagers, justifying this situation as acceptable. I was just saying yesterday that it should not be too surprising given that having kids in his room at 3 in the morning has been acceptable in your home.
You have said that you treasure being your children's friend. Friend is one thing, parent is another and your son showed as much respect for you that night as he did that girl. Everyone wants to have a positive relationship with their children, but a parent's role is to guide their decision making therefore not always being their friend. They have lots of friends, they only have 1 mother.
As it will make you feel better...Sue
So, Sue...to have my son have friends in his room is unacceptable? Rather he be out and about where? I LOVE his friends being here, when they get too loud it is an irritant, but I would rather he be here with all his friends than out without any idea where he is. I am close to my children, I am their mother first and foremost but as they get older the need to 'parent' gets less. I still very much have to speak to Jordan and Sophie and teach them things they need to know, but at nearly 19....what kind of rules do you think I should set down, he works full time, pays his keep, is old enough to drink, vote, drive, marry.....so I should give him a curfew and tell him who to have in his room?
I have laid down some very firm rules that he is sticking to, since he abused the freedom I gave him, he gets one chance and if he blows it, the rules get firmer, because this is my home. After this incident he tried to tell me that at 19 he is old enough to make his own choices, I told him he was correct, when he has his own home. In MY home he lives by my rules, whether he likes them or not. A repeat of what he did here last week will see him looking for his own home much quicker than he planned. When you have children you have to accept that as they grow up, you have to loosen the hold. That means allowing them to make wrong choices, how else will they learn? I can tell them what to do and when to do it until they are 43......pathetic adults they would turn into that way! I am very disappointed that THIS mistake meant using someone else and risking his health, and hers. He knows this.
I have kept in touch with the girl, who perhaps because she is of a different generation is taking the whole episode in her stride, a tad embarrassed but not at all sorry for having sex that night. I must be old, it seems too sad that sex can be of such little worth.
I write about things in a flippant way because I have learnt that crap happens, you can either fall in a heap and cry or you can get on with it and try and see the humour, it doesn't mean I take things lightly.
Helen, don't beat yourself up over this! You're a good woman and a good wife and a good mother. Sometimes inspite of what we do and teach and laern, our leevees get breached. Anonymous, Sue, whatever your name is, come on over to MY blog and bother ME! I promise I will publish every word you write. Having YOU here leaving advice for Her is just like HER having broken rules and naked girls in her house. SHE DONT WANT IT! YOU AINT WELCOME!!!!!!!!! GO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLOG AND BLABBER AWAY! or COME ON AND FUCK WITH ME A LITTLE!
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