Some things, well, they just aren't me.

I think my councelling is going OK....no more horrible and overwhelming nasty stuff, plenty of talking and working out things that I can change or let go of, very good.
I really like Jan, she is good for me and she is a good therapist,not patronising ( ugh ever had a patronising do gooder that has NO idea ,but talks as if they know it all?!?) If I met Jan elsewhere I would like her, a good basis for trusting her enough to tell her the deep and dark stuff.
I begin to have problems when I start to hear the tree hugging bits sneak in. I think my face might show it, if no other way by the absolute frozeness of it, I have to work so hard at not sniggering, that I can feel my face do 'the look.' Now I know, by the very fact that I need this therapy, that I am not quite alright. Not certifiable but not quite hunky dory. I'm not sure, however, that I will ever be able to do some of the things suggested.
I can't envision ever standing in front of a mirror and telling myself 3 good things about me. Blimey O'Reilly.
I don't do mirrors, I have to look in a mirror to do my hair, so I look at my hair. If I do make-up, I look at the bit I'm making up. Full body mirrors....not on your life, Same reason I don't do photos, to see it all as a full picture...ye-gads.
I am beginning to wonder how I will cope when I have lost more weight, when the time comes to wear clothes that show ..... ME. I am safe in my long, loose, hiding clothes. Nice clothes, make me invisible clothes. They are beginning to make me look lumpy, in places that I am less lumpy. They have gone from tight and ooof, don't bend down because there won't be blood moving, wheeeeeeee can't breathe, to ooh, sliding off. Knickers that are so high up, I could almost keep my neck warm in a cool wind.They used to roll down if I moved quickly. I might, you know, have to THROW THEM AWAY SOON. What then? Smaller loose clothes for a while I suspect.SMALLER CLOTHES! I have smaller clothes, lots of them. Brand new ones. I am a bit scared of wearing them, how bizarre is that? Bizarre because I want it very badly. I have some girlie clothes, I mean feminine ones, not black, dark blue or grey. Imagine. Today I picked up a pretty bra. Then I put it back down. Pretty. Feminine. Womanly. Imagine that. I can't, quite. Yet.
So, if I can't picture what is to most women so normal, so every day and ordinary..can you imagine me standing in front of a mirror proclaiming inner love and utmost confidence in my charms and outer beauty?? Get out of here!
I am setting some teeny tiny goals that are so exciting to me, that I can actually, almost, if I squint and hold my breath, imagine doing. I want a photo taken of me and my children, scratch that, LOTS of photos, snaps, portraits. With me happy and relaxed and not looking as though I am on day release from a secure unit, or hiding behind anything, everything, or not actually even IN the picture because I TAKE the picture so I don't have to be in it and see it and cringe.
I'm glad that the weight I can't wait to get rid of is going, it is going to be such a massive change for me that I am going to need this time to get used to it. I like the small changes that I see already..I am beginning to believe that the big ones will really happen. Can I imagine being brave enough to be the real me, on show, without this fat that hides me? Being big is a great way to be invisible, the bigger you are, the less you matter to the world. I think I am getting ready to be seen, I wonder if I am ready to do the seeing and look at myself? Lawks, one step at a time lady!