Oh, and another thing.....

I miss my dad. Really miss him. I feel like a mad woman who is endlessly taking to herself.
"Please don't let it be true"
"well it is, get on with it"
" But how come all these other even older men are still here...and who said they could wear those jumpers? My dad wore those jumpers, no-one else should be allowed to wear them, somebody stop old men wearing my dad's jumpers"
I hate knowing and actually believing that he is gone, MY dad.
I relive that whole time in the hospital, we were so calm...why were we calm? If we had known then how we would feel now, would we have been any different? I think not. I think he dictated how we were. His spirit was so huge that we were calmed by it. When I think back and remember, I don't feel a bit calm, or peaceful. The nurses at the time kept asking me if we all understood how serious the whole situation was, of course we knew, of course we understood, i'm not sure we believed it is all... they just couldn't believe that we weren't in melt down , we still laughed and joked, we were still absolutely 'us'...I'm so glad about that. I wish ( for me) that we could have tried more to get him well, but I am glad for him that he went quickly.
I'm not sure I looked at him enough,even though I actually sat and made myself stare at him near the end, drank him in, what if I forget his face? What if we forget the things he said, that no-one else says? He called me Lily. I hated it when I was younger but the older I got the more I loved it. I don't want anyone else to call me that but I miss hearing him say it. I miss "cheery-bye"
Funny how the things that drove us crazy when he was alive, are the very things we miss most. I wish he was here to nag me about my car, I wish he was here to fuss about mum and ask me to order ridiculous things from ebay for her. I wish he was here to get christmas and birthdays wrong. When asked to buy fruit for christmas he literally bought 3 of everything, 3 satsumas, 3 apples.....HA! He was the worst back seat driver ever known, he'd insist on going a 'shortcut' every time and we'd invariably end up going twice as far. Once, when I was stopped at traffic lights, he was tapping my leg and saying "RIGHT!! you have to turn RIGHT!" So, I pulled into the right hand lane..only for him to say " what are you DOING??" Because it wasn't a one way street and so I had just pulled into the WRONG side of the road! He made me panic every time he came in my car.
I wish he was here to be H's friend, I loved it that they got on so well, H would go with dad on his 'jaunts' and they would probably have the best time, not talking to each other and just getting on with the task in hand.Fish and chips on the way home,
I wish he was here for us to ignore, or take for granted. I wish he was just here.
Bloody cancer.

Oh but look....


4lbs down this time, if I can do that every 2 weeks, well WHOOHOO!! It's coming off It's coming off!!