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Ever felt this way?
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I did, I loved the same man for 18 years without him ever actually being 'mine' Maybe that's WHY I loved him for so long. He got to be the perfect man. No laundry, no temper tantrums or sulking, no money worries, no hassles. Just first love, just impossible love and then just safe love. I met him once after 18 years of him having been the holder of my heart and........nothing. I looked and saw.....a man, just a normal, oveweight, greying man who was just someone I had loved.
I think that was the day my life began again.
I felt more free and more able to be myself than ever before. To understand that no-one but ME had the abiity to make me happy. To truly know that I held my destiny in my own hands was liberating and enlightening and I drove away from that meeting in a miserable car park with my future before me.
I wonder where he is now, if he is happy, if life has given him the things he hoped for. I don't miss him anymore though, I don't need him. I don't love him. I wonder actually, if I ever did or if it was just a dream.
Real love is about all the true stuff, the every day monotony and stresses that you get through and then you stop to breathe and look up and see the person you're doing it all with, with bags under his eyes from being up since 5am with the early rising boy,with a dinosaur in his pyjama pocket and laughing for the 212th time at an ancient 'Alf' video because Seth thinks it's hysterical.
When we were away, we went to a carboot sale, we found it and if it wasn't being held in the very car park I'd had that meeting in. Those glorious feelings came right back, I was taken back all those years to that day when my life became my own again. I enjoyed the feelings all over again and felt great that I could see all I had achieved in those years. There is still so much to do and see and enjoy, it never hurts us to be reminded what we have and grasp the chance to make the most of it.
So,look out world, here I come....just as soon as I can walk without falling into a wall.
I did, I loved the same man for 18 years without him ever actually being 'mine' Maybe that's WHY I loved him for so long. He got to be the perfect man. No laundry, no temper tantrums or sulking, no money worries, no hassles. Just first love, just impossible love and then just safe love. I met him once after 18 years of him having been the holder of my heart and........nothing. I looked and saw.....a man, just a normal, oveweight, greying man who was just someone I had loved.
I think that was the day my life began again.
I felt more free and more able to be myself than ever before. To understand that no-one but ME had the abiity to make me happy. To truly know that I held my destiny in my own hands was liberating and enlightening and I drove away from that meeting in a miserable car park with my future before me.
I wonder where he is now, if he is happy, if life has given him the things he hoped for. I don't miss him anymore though, I don't need him. I don't love him. I wonder actually, if I ever did or if it was just a dream.
Real love is about all the true stuff, the every day monotony and stresses that you get through and then you stop to breathe and look up and see the person you're doing it all with, with bags under his eyes from being up since 5am with the early rising boy,with a dinosaur in his pyjama pocket and laughing for the 212th time at an ancient 'Alf' video because Seth thinks it's hysterical.
When we were away, we went to a carboot sale, we found it and if it wasn't being held in the very car park I'd had that meeting in. Those glorious feelings came right back, I was taken back all those years to that day when my life became my own again. I enjoyed the feelings all over again and felt great that I could see all I had achieved in those years. There is still so much to do and see and enjoy, it never hurts us to be reminded what we have and grasp the chance to make the most of it.
So,look out world, here I come....just as soon as I can walk without falling into a wall.
posted by The other me | 8:37 am
4 Comments:
I don't know if you've ever read any of my posts about Paul, but that's exactly how I felt about him. I was consumed by him for years and the more unattainable the got the more I adored him. It was funny because like you, when I finally figured out that I didn't love him after all it was off like a light switch. After 5 long years of hopeless pining I was finally free.. free to find someone who would be able to love me the way I wanted to be loved.
You're right you know... love is in the little things. It's having someone who is willing to pop the zits you can't reach or someone who'll scratch your back everynight. It's that feeling like your heart is going to jump right out of your body when you see him holding your baby for the first time. It's pillow fights and family snuggles. It's secret flirtations that go over the kids's heads but make your knees just a little weak.
I'll always have a special place in my heart for Paul.. but I don't love him anymore and guess I never really did either.
Hugs
Julie
P.S. WTG on getting your links up!!!!
This is a wonderfully written story! Thank you for sharing something so personal. That kinda happened to me too when I met my little ole girl and met her Mama again. I know I'm finally over Shay now. And I could tell she's over me. But we're friends. We just kinda ...grew on up! BTW my links dont work! I nono what I did wrong. I gotta check that out! Thanks for adding me, I tried to add all you too, Kiss King
I'm not quite sure what to say... anyway I found it interesting ;-)
Not sure if it was love, but at the time, oh I thought it was! :) I was young and I "loved" this boy from 8th grade until I graduated in 12th grade! We never dated. Just were friends.
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