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Yes...this is ALL about me, and mine. Marvellously self indulgent, feel free to tell me how splendid I am, leave comments, nice ones please, I have little kids and teenagers who can do the rude stuff. I am a grandma, to the glorious Joshua, I'm allowed to look frazzled and weary, I earned it. The older I get, the more I see that hanging on and being patient is worth it! They ( whoever 'they' are) are so right when they say you never know what is around the corner, it isn't always an articulated truck! It is vital to make the time for making memories, friends are the greatest treasure, I love mine. I am rich!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Occassionally, the only appropriate words........


3 days before the visit from Grandpa and Kara. It died.
My mum says we should never call an inanimate object stupid. I agree with that because, if it doesn't have a brain, how can it be clever...or stupid?
My car IS stupid though, because I know it can think. It has a personality and it is mean, in fact I would go so far as to say it is bloody spiteful. I absolutely know it does this on purpose, it chooses the very worst times to do this and the last 3 visits it has died in a spectacular way right before Grandpa gets here.
I have the most terrible gut feeling that this time we may be saying goodbye to it. It has had an almost hypnotic ticking sound for a few days, which luckily didn't soothe me into a restful slumber whilst driving, because new noises make me very afraid. I feel it is a terminal illness, because the smell when it just fizzled out, siezed up and stopped, just off that roundabout, was very strong, a sort of 'hell, that's hot' smell and a 'huh not going to get over THAT' sort of dead smell. When I tried to restart it, it gave a miserable little cough and then , nothing. Absolutely nothing, not even a wheeze. @*%^$*!!!!!!! is SO ungrateful, didn't I just spend a fortune on it? Didn't I walk everywhere for weeks while I scoured the country looking for the perfect parts at cut prices?
Haven't I shown it kindness and compassion when it actually deserved a damn good kicking?
I could, on numerous occassions, have given it a swift but deadly beating on or around it's rusted sills, but no, I have patted it and told it that I understand it is old and finds the tasks we expect from it taxing.
I have given it juice to drink, even though we are now at £1.01 a LITRE that my dears is more or less £4 a gallon, $8 EIGHT DOLLARS a gallon and I still feed it and clean it and tell my children off when they crunch hula hoops and dry cereal into the carpet.
I buy it nice air fresheners to help it smell nicer. I say nicer because to say it ever smells NICE would be pushing the realms of honesty. It stinks. Old dogs and wet feet. Even though we don't have a dog. See? pure spite.
Well, this time I am not going to pander to it's egotistical whims, it can jolly well sit in that garage over the weekend and think about what it has done. I hope it feels guilty and I shan't care. I won't lose a moments sleep worrying whether or not it is afraid. I hope it IS afraid, shake in your wheel arches you rust bucket you. I hope your aaxles aache from quivering you ungrateful pile of junk.
I shall wait until Jim calls, which will be who knows when, because we are in Devon, and people don't rush in Devon, not even when you need a car so badly you could puke at the thought of dragging your international visitors and 3 boysunder 6 everywhere by train and bus. No siree, Jim will be get back to me just as soon as he has looked at it and whistled through his teeth, he will call and say how the parts will take several days to arrive and then because they are busy it'll be a day or three til they can get to it and then.........

Here's where you get to choose your own swear words, I started at A and had worked my way right up to F and a bit beyond by the time the recovery truck arrived. That was quite a good game, It occupied me for the whole hour (but I said them in my head because Seth was with me and he can do without learning the cuss-a-bet.) I skipped C because I think I only know one swear word that begins with C and even I balk at that one, even at times like this. Oh except for crap, which lets face it is so mild it's hardly worth calling a swear word and I didn't bother using it on my car because it knows it is so much worse than that c word.

So, Saturday, no car.....3 days til Grandpa arrives....Arse, Bugger........carry on please. Don't feel you have to hold back.

ETA....Did you come up with some good ones? I might really need some new ones any minute.....the boys have been upstairs ( I know, we even looked at each other and admitted that we would pay for this 18 minutes of dinner eating peace and quiet) they had face paints. One day I might wish I had taken pictures becaue you know, it might be funny, not an inch of body uncoloured, which is actually OK, the bathroom wall, floor and bath tub.....well it DID come off OK, kind of.
Oh and you....yes YOU , readers...I can't believe how you are laughing. You and the car...of one mind.I've got your number. Shame on you all.


Blogger Lou said...

Helen, you aren`t a trip you`re a whole keep me in stitches..even when you have the most awful things happen to you, you show humor...wonderful!! Please adopt me..I want to be your sister....hehehehehe..maybe a little of your gene pool will rub off on an adoptee.

1:25 pm  
Blogger Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

This was so funny. Sorry about the trials!


1:50 pm  
Blogger MamaTink said...

How about Coon-balls? Does that work for C?

I am SO sorry Helen. What a bloody awful way to start the weekend.



3:35 pm  
Blogger oh evil one said...

i hate car stuff. it puts me in internal panic. i know what you mean about any strange noise...
oh i hate them! there are two c words i am assuming you wont use the one for female genitalia so how about c%$&sucker? well anyway i know a lot would you care to hear some in spanish too?

5:23 pm  
Blogger Julie Q said...

Oh Helen! That sucks! I worry my car will up and die on me when least expected.

Crapola? Sorry, I don't know a good C swear word. I do agree though, it is the perfect time for them. :)

6:10 pm  
Blogger LosingSanity said...

Oh I can hardly laugh. Although I must admit your way of wording your awful experience is just brilliant! But, having a car on its last wheel, myself and not having money to get a new one, I cannot find it in me to laugh! I know all too soon I will probably be in your shoes! Hope everything works out for you soon!!!

12:54 am  
Blogger Shay-Shay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:26 pm  
Blogger -Lo said...

well sonofabitch is a tried and true on for me. Plus I swear it helps your digestive system to scream it every few days.

Topher is very inventive and nasty when it comes to swear words...
Pig Fuck and the like...I can ask him if you want?

By the way. MY PACKAGE CAME!!!! It is sitting at the post office because it came on my birthday and i wasnt here. Ill go get it tomarrow! Im so excited!

3:35 pm  

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