so, she laughed, smiled and then cried....

Today really was great, so I'm going to tell you more, lucky you!!

Jordan, who is getting closer and close to joining the army, came home from a run, just as most of the kids had arrived, I always feel a bit show offy and proud when mums and kids realise that these big people are mine, never more so than today when Jordan threw himself on the sofa, a bit hot and out of breath....from out of no-where we saw a little girl, 6, run at great speed toward him,
Jords managed to say " oops, I feel a bit vulnerable" ( might have been the laid back, legs akimbo, delicates exposed pose he was in) just before she hurled herself, full pelt onto him. "WHEYHEY!!!!! "Thought the other kids and in seconds, they all leapt at him, he stood up and they were like a bucket load of leeches, hanging from every gangly extremity ( I mean arms and legs, naturally) back and neck... and he flung them off like unwanted bugs, right onto the sofa. I wish you could bottle that kind of joy, those laughs and keep them in your top drawer for days when life stinks. I laughed.

Sophie and I went to pick up take away food for dinner, Indian for H and I and Chinese for her, she went to get hers just opposite where I was. She came to find me and was glowing. She is beautiful these days, growing up and feeling stronger and more confident, that shows. So, she told me how as she was coming out of the chinese restaurant, a young man came up to her and said
"I so hope you don't mind, but please tell me you aren't seeing anyone, you are so lovely"
She told him that she was seeing someone and asked his name. He told her and then said..."oh, but it was worth a try wasn't it?"
What worth those kind of moments? Times when a chance comment can make you feel like a million dollars. I made her......clever me. I smiled.

I went to Asda at 8.30 this evening to make sure we had everything we need for tomorrow, we hate to shop on sundays and so I shot out to gget some apples and stuff ( not scones or strawberry jam but how did they find their way into my trolley???) hey, cool, ready cooked chickens down to £1.45, grab one for cold chicken salad tomorrow , in fact grab 2 because mum loves cold chicken too....ho hum pay and leave. Drive to mums, walk up the drive, walk in the door.
My dad isn't there.
Duh, is 6 months since he died. SIX MONTHS?! I have been to the house almost every day since, he has never been there.
Every DAY...never the evening, definately never a saturday evening.....he so wasn't there. I missed him so hard it was like a dull punch.
Grief is such a terrible thing and although we all still feel so calm about him being where he is, its so damn inconvenient, so bloody sad, so hideously painful not to have him here. It isn't any easier at all, not even a little bit, in fact sometimes it's worse, harder because it's like sand through my fingers, I can't hold onto him, can't smell him anywhere, can't quite hear him and as time flies, he gets further away.
My mum's house is so peaceful, walking in is like taking your shoes off ( which we do because she has beautiful new carpet now) and in the evenings it is particularly lovely. What a big old hole where the dad one used to be though. No telly on in the lounge and no smells of bangers and mash on saturday.
I cried, there, and all the way home and still a bit right now. Pppppttttttttttttttt.