This real life thing?

Amazing.
Honestly, the more I do it, the more I remember how I used to enjoy it before sadness and fear took over. Every day that finds me out and living and feeling and enjoying helps me see just how much I was hiding before.
I am still jittery inside when I talk to people I don't know well but the thing is I CAN DO IT!
Today,we went to a fun day for the kids, pirate themed and several workshops from costumes to cooking.
The day started on an iffy foot because Isaac, well he doesn't do fun well, not spontaneous dressing up fun anyway and it took nearly 2 hours to help him understand that I would be there with him, he didn't have to dress up, he didn't have to join in if it was too scarey but he did have to come and just be there.
An incredible day for Isaac all in all, I'll tell you why later.
Seth agreed to a stripey shirt but bandana? Ptttttthhhhh, belt or buckles? Nahhhhh, wanting to know every detail of who, when what and how and then he was ready.
Elijah? Get me dressed up, point me in the right direction and watch me go baby, I can't believe I didn't get a picture of him in a red and white spotty bandana because truly? Bloody beautiful, gold dotty sash and stripey shirt and he was beyond heavenly.
Isaac stuck by me for a while and then he stayed with Seth and did EVERY workshop ( I ran the costume one so he was happy to be able to say " I don't have to join in do I? " and just look at every one else trying costumes on.)
He made pizza and ate it, he did a treasure hunt and ran with
the other kids, he watched the pinata bashing and asked several times if he had to do it, stared at me with those eyes and made sure that he really wouldn't have to go and stand in front of everyone and bash that treasure chest, even if there was chocolate coins aplenty inside.
Seth had no such worries though and had a good old thwack at it



Then...imagine this...Isaac, my Isaac, asked to have his face painted! Actually asked and then let someone else actually touch him and paint his face....look see? I'm not making that up.....



Even asked for painted arms and then he crawled around because now, he actually was a leopard.

Eli was a lion or tiger or something and it was so late in the day without a nap...look at this pitiful picture



look at the eyes all glassy and tired!

Seth was a tiger




Seth made pizza too and then HE ATE IT! These boys are just bounding ahead in their lives, really trying and achieving and learning so much, this little man has been so afraid of food all his life, new textures and tastes have always been hard for Seth and yet here he is...look...


To see him attack it instead of touching the teeniest corner and screwing his whole face up? Fantastic.



They got a bit rowdy and had a fight with the plastic parrots



and I found them, being boys......



and while I helped clear up I suddenly felt Isaac pull at my heart...so I went to find him...he was worried when he couldn't see me ( I was washing up in the kitchen) but no screaming, no panicking, almost more heartbreaking when I see him like this...



Because sometimes I forget that he has such fears and feels afraid in crowds and noise.
If he can see me, he will sit amongst other kids but you can see that he switches off....



We had such fun, such honest to goodness together fun.
I can't feel sorry for all the time I spent not doing these things because it was out of my control, I was ill and sad, unable to face life or people. I think I am even glad that I couldn't see what I was missing because that would have piled even more pressure on an over loaded heart and mind.
It never felt as though by hiding behind the computer screen, I was missing out on anything or denying time with my family, I did most of my online things when the boys were at school or in bed but there was so much I could have been doing for them, or this home with that time. No matter.

I can look back and see things more clearly and the one thing I do regret is believing people I didn't know. Only regrettable if we don't learn from the mistake, I am still learning from my mistake, not painful in any way, just embarrassing to have allowed myself to be associated in any way with such nonsense.
Vanity is what it was, nothing but the desire for that feeling you get when you are told good things about yourself, even if they are nothing but flattery and mean nothing.
The only reason I am writing this is that this is my journal, my way of recording what I do and see, what I feel and learn and this has been a huge learning experience for me, huge.

I have really seen in the past few weeks exactly what real friendship is, quiet and private words of support that aren't said to gain glory or boost an ego, simple and sincere love that doesn't seek anything back, doesn't need to be shown and puffed up and paraded for the world to see. Being on the receiving end of such real friendship has been the very thing that has enabled me to take such huge steps back into the world, I can be who I am, do what I should be doing and when I have a moment, they are there and they have been doing what matters too, still ready to say hello and share their day but not holding their breath because they know what matters too. Thankyou.
.

I wrote reems more, really dumped the thoughts out and then, when I re-read it, realised that it wasn't necessary, the rest of my thoughts are ones I don't care about forgetting. It's all stuff that will matter for 5 minutes and then be allowed to drift away with the other dregs.
The moral really, to all the waffling, is quite simply be careful. Always remember what is real, what matters, and the rest, the stuff that does nothing but primp your ego, take it for what it is, fluff, unimportant and valueless, take it or leave it but don't believe it.

I feel almost like you do when you almost get run over, when you nearly fall down a ladder, that gut wrenching relief that it didn't happen, that you got away with it and yet still you keep rethinking about what could have happened.
That 'what if ' thing. Then you get that great chance to breathe in, exhale and say a prayer of thanks.