The 2nd post. I think your skin will crawl too.

This post won't be funny, won't be entertaining and might strike you as not me. It is me, this is what is inside me all the time, usually smothered and forgotten because life has become so much better and is predominantly joyful.
Sometimes, things happen that make the world stop in it's tracks and pull us up with a start, this morning that happened to me.

I am exceptionally tolerant with my teenagers. I am more tolerant that my sisters and seemingly more tolerant that my childrens' friends' parents. Not anymore.
I have always wanted my kids to feel that this is their home. I wanted them to want their friends here and feel happy with being here. I have had teenagers sleeping here on floors, sofas, spare beds, Jordan's bed, Sophie's bed. They have been here for one night, three nights, 7 weeks........we have fed them, listened to them, yelled at them, laughed with them.
More and more we have seen those flexible boundaries pushed and pushed. Children need to know where they stand and I have forgotten that with these big kids. Not anymore.
It seems to me that they have totally forgotten who runs the show. I really think they believe that this is THEIR home. That's different to their home.
Shall I bore you with details? Here goes.

I told you about Mel, Jordan's girlfriend. I told you the rules I set, I have told Jordan the rules, told Mel the rules, over and over.
Last night...or this morning at 12.45am I went to get a drink before going to bed and Jordan and Mel came in, I spoke to them and said to Jordan,
" Do NOT blow this, don't do anything to make me sorry I said Mel could stay. This is your room, Mel sleeps in the spare room. If at any time H or I see this door locked and Mel in it with you, she goes. You might well go with her. I raised you 3 big kids the way I wanted to, I chose what happened in our home, I chose what you saw and what you didn't. These little boys deserve the same . I don't like what you are doing with Mel, I can't stop it, but whatever you think, whether you agree or not, THIS IS MY HOME , you will do as I say or you will answer to me. Do you understand?"
He said he did.
I went to go to bed and remembered something else...walked back to his room and when I opened the door I recoiled and made a horrified noise because in his room was a man that made my skin crawl. I hated him on sight, no reason, just did.
They laughed, because they thought I jumped and 'ughed' because I hadn't known he was in the room. I said what I had to say, went to bed.
At 6.45, I woke for a pee, walked out of my room and coming out of my little boys room, half dressed, was the skin crawl man.

Dear God.

Me, talking quietly " did you want the toilet?"
Him " no, that's free"
"then what do you want?"
"I was looking for where I was"
"Well, were you were had better be downstairs, what are you doing here?"
He went downstairs, I followed, he went into the spare room.
I went into the front room where H was with Eli and Isaac, I began to speak to H and tell him what happened when I stopped, because I wanted to puke or punch someone.
I flew through the kitchen, door to Jordan's room locked. I think the whole street may have been woken by the way I hammered on that door.
Jordan opened the door and asked what was up....
"THAT!" I yelled pointing at Mel. In. His. Bed.
"Either you are incredibly stupid, or you think I am. Which is it?"
"well, she slept here because Neil slept in the spare room"
"And Neil is the man I just saw coming half dressed out OF MY CHILDRENS ROOM IS IT?"
He was stunned but that might have been because he woken up after so little sleep.
"Sophie said he could stay, not me"
" I don't care who said he could stay, he was in MY CHILDRENS' BEDROOM AND I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL HE IS!"

I made Sophie get out of bed and tell Neil-whoever-the-hell to get out of my house. Now.
Sophie and Jordan are indignant, that's my fault, I have allowed them to feel that this is THEIR house, it isn't, it is their home. For now.
What happened today could have been the very worst nightmare for any parent. I have read about people waking up to find their children dead because some creep chose to do evil to them in their own beds. This man that was allowed by my children to sleep IN MY HOME was someone they 'sort of' know. A good laugh, comes into work, known him ages, Oh you know Neil, ah, whatshisname, it doesn't matter, he's OK.
I have spent the day heaving. Wondering why, or how, when faced with him coming out of that bedroom ( and actually he was just lost, still too drunk to know where he was ) why did I not punch him, with every ounce of strength in my overweight body, right in his weasley face? Why did I speak to him so politely? Why did I retain such calm and poise?
I have no doubts at all that this was nothing more than idiocy on his part, he went back to bed, if he had been up to no good he would have scarpered.
I am more angry that these damned selfish individuals that I gave birth to are so stupid that they think having any scum they meet up with in MY HOME is alright. It is NOT alright. IT IS NOT ALRIGHT.
I am done. H who pretty much goes along with what I decide for these big kids, has spoken. HE said he has reached saturation point, he has said enough. Is enough.
No more stupid squealing girls, no more loud and idiot boys. NOBODY THAT HAS BEEN DRINKING. Stay the hell out of my house.
How do we know who these people are, this was not a 17 year old. I am sick with thinking what could have happened.
Here we have 3 little boys who, with every right in the world, don't even have to give a thought to the fact that they are safe. It is a given that they have 2 parents who will do everything in their power to protect them. I am obsessed, you all know I am obsessed, with keeping these little boys untouched by evil. There will be NO monsters in their lives, not if I can help it.
I see that look every day in their faces, that was missing in their brothers' eyes. That clear, unblemished trust, innocence, if you have never seen a child without that look, you may well not notice it is even there, but I do and I cherish it. Be damned if anything will snatch it from these children.
When I took Elijah dancing it was even more sweet to me because I had been reminded of how blessed it is to see that light in his eyes every day of his life. Every time he looked over to see if I was watching and he grinned, I saw that joy and relished it even more. When Jordan was his gae he didn't smile much. He didn't laugh, he was never naughty. He was very broken.
I think that may be why I have allowed him to overstep the mark so much here now. Everyone told me he would never be the way he is, I was told how he would always be partially broken, that he would have issues with relationships, be afraid of sex.
I don't want him to be sad. Well, mad is different from sad. He is going to be mad when I tell him Mel can't stay. Tough. He won't be sad.
Sophie will, is, mad that we dare tell her what she can and can't do in 'her' house. I told her that when she pays the rent she can have more of a say but the rent here is more than she handle, perhaps she should start looking for a bedsit and then she can fill it with every kind of low life she chooses.
We spoke to Sophie at great length, til she was sick of hearing it. She thinks we are over reacting. Oh well.
I have told Jordan to come right home after work at 9pm, he asked if he was in trouble....d'ya think?
I wonder if they have any friends whose parents will take pity in them and let them stay for a week or seven.

Now we've got that our of the way, read the post below, it's happy and uplifting and just makes me grin from ear to ear . Dance baby, Dance.