Just stuff.

No real idea for todays blog, just a fidgety need to say something. I love saying something. Not often listened to, or heard but just saying stuff makes me happy.
I spoke briefly in church today, such a show off. I love speaking in front of people.
I like the first sunday of each month, instead of set speakers, everyone has the chance to bear their testimony, say what they feel about church and how what they believe makes a difference to their lives.
Sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming and I'll be honest, the loud weeping that comes with strong belief makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I know that we can be moved to tears if the spirit so moves us, wailing doesn't sit comfortably with me.
I do love, however, hearing those sweet testimonies that are from the heart and are short. I don't think a testimony is meant to be a life story but we get those a fair bit, I don't think it should be a naming thing where you tell how great other people are, we get that too. I just think it ought to be something that helps others to feel good, to maybe remember how they felt, how they feel. Encourage someone to look for something better.
Life is changing here all the time , not anything we are doing purposefully, just a splendid and happy natural progression I think. We all seem to be muddling along together so nicely. Sophie has been so sick and I am a terrible carer, no patience at all, I find myself telling her that yes, I see the welting great rash again, it is as horrible and ugly and sore looking as it was 7 minutes ago but really... looking at the itchy foot while I am eating my tea....doesn't make me feel any sympathy.
17 year olds should soak up the sympathy given the first time they complain, take the medicine the doctor gave them, have a lovely drink and GO TO BED! What would we mothers give to be able to just do that when we are sick? I am pretty sure you wouldn't see me for dust or cortsone cream if I had the chance to disappear when I was poorly. I know she is itchy, but what good does it do to keep thrusting that rash in my face at inopportune moments?
I am a little stunned to learn that Sophie has signed up for a new colege course, she found it, filled in paperwork, went for interviews and got a place and starts tomorrow, its one of those things that leaves me open mouthed and like a guppy. Sophie, being grown up and responsible. Blimey. Hope she loves it, she loves the college and it all sounds great...here's crossing fingers and hoping and praying and trying to take it all in and breathe.

I think I feel like a different person. How so? Hard to say, just calmer. Never thought I would ever feel calm, my whole life has been a worry, I worried about not finding my shoes when I was 12, really heart thumping, wretching fear if I couldn't find my shoes and THE WORLD WILL END IF I DON'T FIND THEM! Children, have children, everything bad will happen, worry, bad things did happen ,more bad things will definately happen, worry, husband, heart attack, worry, oooh every twinge he has, worry, teenagers WORRY.
So, now I am calm. Perhaps my brain just burned itself out. Cool.
I think maybe it's like when a farmer burns a field. Turns the whole thing to black stubble, apparantly when they do that, it makes the field all clean and ready to grow a new crop beautifully. I think that's what happened to my brain. It got burned out, black stubble. Empty and sort of useless for a while, until....little sprouts of great new stuff have begun to force their way through the burnt bits.
I am beginning to remember things.....that might be because I have been such a useless mush brain of forgetfullness for so long that everybody close to me speaks to me as though I am a 93 year old deaf person with an advanced state of altzeimers.
" HELEN! MEETING? WEDNESDAY? 7PM. HERE? WEDNESDAY? OK? 7PM? "

"HEY!! YOU PARKED YOUR CAR THIS WAY..REMEMBER???"

Even I usually remember stuff when I am told so simply and it is repeated often enough. But that aside, I am actually, honest to goodness just remembering things. All.On.My.Own. FANTASTIC! Little sprouts of colourful and beautiful things, shooting through the burned out stubble that was my brain.
I wonder exactly what and who I can become when the stubble is all gone.
I still have so much that is hanging around, the fear that another massive bad thing is waiting around the corner, I have had so many of those that it's impossible to believe that it will all be floaty happy stuff from now on. Life isn't like that is it?
I am just more able to enjoy this time where the good things are happening, even that is a joy, better than being afraid of the good times because, well, we all know some nightmare will come along and ruin it all don't we? That was exhausting, feeling like that was like a living death.
So...here we are at the beginning of a new year, with sprouts of good stuff bursting through the old rotten dross. Here's to what's around the corner...may it be more of the happy stuff. Please.
Oh look, this is Jordan new girlfriend....



she is a model.....she's pretty isn't she? She's nice too and he sort of hearts her and is nice to her. She still isn't sleeping here though. I am in charge. Ha!

P.S
I love H.....it is 10.45pm, we are sitting with a movie on and he has his laptop, he's watching something with earphones in, lots of sounds of great interest are coming from his chair..."ooooh. Huh? Hmmmmmm...."
What you watching?
"Huh? Oh me? Inventions from ancient civilisations"

I think Seth gets it from him.