Keep your words soft and sweet..

What a day.
Do you ever have that feeling, the one where you have done something so awful that your insides feel like they are black? Like your blood has turned to tar and you may never feel light or happy again? I have felt like that too often lately, I have absolutely noticed that the sadness that has shrouded me for so long has gone, mostly I feel as though I am breathing again for the first time in years, big gulping clean breaths.
Now though, there is an enormous rage, such a huge rage that I don't know what to do with it. I have been ignoring it mostly because what else can I do? I have no idea what I am so furious at or about but the more I ignore it, the more it just comes charging out at inopportune moments. Today I thought that probably, I should go and get some help with it because I hated myself today. How can you feel something but act a different way?
I was irritable, I was tired, big deal....H isn't here, which is strange but not awful I think. He is at the temple, which is probably the only place he would ever leave this family to go to, just because he loves it. He will meet his dad but if I suggest he leave to do anything else that he may love, he won't hear of it. Anyway so he isn't here and I am so happy that he is where he is, there's nothing like finding yourself without someone to realise just what you love about them is there?
So, PMT, tired, grumpy, fair enough we can all have off days and I certainly wasn't about to beat myself up about that. The boys were pretty gorgeous, lazy start to the day, they ( and I) took turns on the rowing machine ( that I love, I really love that thing!) and we watched some TV, actually, because I was tired I let them watch Drop Dead Fred, which I had in my mind as a hysterical movie...but is really actually smattered with way too much bad language and inappropriate moments, what a shame because 90% of it IS hysterical and exactly Isaac's kind of funny. I knew that I had to get these little boys outside, the weather is really pretty great for February, they don't have school and little boys NEED outside and running and loudness.
So why then, when I stood up and started to encourage them to get ready did the Devil himself unleash the most sickening tirade? Even as my mouth was yelling and spitting vile temper at these little boys my head was screaming WHAT THE HELL? I was horrified at how mean I was and at the same time it seemed I was powerless to stop.
I wasn't angry at them, I don't know what I was angry at but it just flew out and covered them. It was over so quickly but inside me it felt as though that burst of rage had lasted for hours, the boys were seemingly unaffected, they certainly weren't reserved, or quiet, they didn't miss a beat and continued to be little boys, bickering and whining and where are we going and when will we get there-ing.
I haven't been able to throw that terrible feeling all day, we had fun ...so much fun, I took them ice skating and I don't think I have laughed that hard for months. Even while I was laughing fit to burst my guts, I was thinking about how angry I had felt earlier, for no particular reason.
Sometimes ( not often I am glad to say) I threaten my kids with punishments I have no intention of carrying out, sometimes they are so bizarre that they have to know I don't mean it, they certainly don't ever appear to be afraid of me .
Today ( it's been a day full today I tell you) when we were getting ready to go out, Seth started. It's always Seth, he is one of those children who is never quite happy enough with life, no matter what we do, it is always lacking, it ends too soon, wasn't quite as good as he wanted, he wanted to go to THAT place not THIS place, if he goes on 26 rides, he wanted to go on 29 and why are we so mean that we always have to stop him when he was just about to enjoy himself.
Today we went ice skating and when we were done, they asked if they could go on some of the rides ( that of course we had to walk past to get back to the car) To go on the rides you need tokens, 2 tokens cost £1. In the name of sanity I said they could have 2 tokens each, they had been skating and were going to have dinner afterwards, so they each had a pound and got 2 tokens each. I always have to explain, loudly and clearly and more than once " OK so you know you have 2 tokens each right? That means you can have two rides if they cost 1 token or ONE ride that costs 2 tokens but that's it, when your tokens have gone, we are going to eat"
Isaac already knew he wanted to go on the bumper go karts and he knew that was 1 token, he saw a digger ride that was 1 token, he showed Eli and they went on the digger ride and gave Sophie the other token for the go karts that were way over the park near the car.
Seth used one token on a shooting range, then he joined the boys on the go karts and then it was time to eat.
He whined and he grizzled and he went on and on and on about how mean I was, how stupid it was to take him there and then only let him have 2 stupid tokens. He asked why I always had to choose the least amount to give them, why couldn't they have had 4 tokens or 6 or as many as they liked because it's half term what else are they going to do? I only give them the smallest amount because I am mean and I just want them to see what FUN it is and then STOP THEM HAVING FUN and do I actually plan how to make them this miserable?
I instructed Sophie to ignore him, she gets into it with him and they can argue for HOURS and HOURS and Seth thrives on it, he just loves to fight and whine. I told him he knew what the deal was, I pointed out that Eli and Isaac were happy with their day, that we were now going to eat and no-one was going to discuss this further with him.
Then we walked to the dining area, not responding to his endless whining.
We sat down, it is a food court kind of set up and so I got his food first because he knew what he wanted, pasta and parmesan cheese. I put it in front of him and he was STILL whittering on about the injustice of not having more bloody rides.
SNAP!
( I am so glad I didn't shout, the fact that I didn't yell made what I said seem more menacing though, which makes me cringe)
"Seth" ( I hissed through clenched teeth)
" This is your food, use your mouth to eat it, if you use your mouth to complain even once more, I swear I am going to drag you back to the car by your neck and when we get back to the car I am going to smack your backside until I no longer feel annoyed by you...DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
Only then did I notice the family on the next table sitting open mouthed as they tried to comprehend what I had just said to this precious boy, scrawny little 42lb child of mine. ( how can someone so small make someone so much bigger so boiling mad by just talking?!)
They left pretty quickly and I wonder if I am the topic of any message board this evening.... awful mother that I am.
I am so aware of the impact we have on our children as mothers. I have seen what damage can be done when we get it wrong, I am living in terror that I am going to screw these little boys up. The more I worry, the more I get it wrong, the more I get it wrong, the more I want to pull back and stay out of the way, let H be in the fore front, let them grow up with memories of him being there and teaching them, playing with them, walking with them, reading with them. I want to be in the background watching it and not messing it up. I feel like every time I speak I get it wrong.
Shame I can't just keep my mouth shut then isn't it?
Can't think where Seth gets it from.